#1
This might be a little confusing but at the end if you havent realised what this song is about, Ill tell you.

Frag Out and Frag in.

Frag out and Frag in.
Shoot once and then again.
I see the bullet but not rifle,
I can hear the explosions.
But You are the only exception.
The one my silencer cannot stifle.

Frag out and Frag in,
You caused this to begin.
I can feel your earth shake,
Then I see my fleshquake.

Frag out and Frag in.
Things my bullet cannot peirce,
Things my feelings cannot win,
This war is still raging feirce,
And yet my will is running thin.

I close my eyes and listen,
You shoot once and then again,
I can see your bullets flow out.
I can hear the explosions,
Your breath is no exception,
You are so close now.

I turn with eyes closed,
Your heat leaves you exposed.

I can feel your breath on my lips,
I can feel your lips on my barrel,
I can feel my barrel's trigger
the bullets hit and I see your recoil.

Frag out and Frag in,
You caused this to begin.
I can feel your spirit shake,
I let you see my earthquake.

You fall into me once more,
I can feel your lips on mine.
I abhor you yet adore you.
Your soul begins to shine.

I feel your self explode,
I feel it go out and then in,
Together we walk this road.
Frag out and Frag in.
Last edited by Greenguy32123 at Mar 1, 2007,
#2
lol pardon my dumbness but is this about having sex? like take these lines for instasnce:

I feel your self explode,
I feel it go out and then in,

You fall into me once more,
I can feel your lips on mine.

I can feel your breath on my lips,
I can feel your lips on my barrel,

Sorry if ive totaly misunderstood
#4
Frag Out and Frag in.

Frag out and Frag in.
Shoot once and then again.
I see the bullet but not rifle,
I can hear the explosions.
But You are the only exception.
The one my silencer cannot stifle.


Very good opener in my opinion, props to you you dirty little boy , I knew it was about sex right here, this was all I needed lol.

Frag out and Frag in,
You caused this to begin.
I can feel your earth shake,
Then I see my fleshquake.


Hmmm this part was okay, wasn't feeling it too much, but it still works.

Frag out and Frag in.
Things my bullet cannot peirce,
Things my feelings cannot win,
This war is still raging feirce,
And yet my will is running thin.


nice flow, but not sure i light the Frag out and frag in line in this part, it's getting kind of stale and I think it sort of takes away from the flow to me, but then again i don't know how its sung

I close my eyes and listen,
You shoot once and then again,
I can see your bullets flow out.
I can hear the explosions,
Your breath is no exception,
You are so close now.


There's nothing i can really contribute to this part, it seems solid as is.

I turn with eyes closed,
Your heat leaves you exposed.


Was this mean to be heat or heart, it could be either I just thought i might ask that q. But besides the point I like this ryming couplet.

I can feel your breath on my lips,
I can feel your lips on my barrel,
I can feel my barrel's trigger
the bullets hit and I see your recoil.


Felatio I see, the act of blowjobs. Wonderful thing to sing about and GREAT metaphor.

Frag out and Frag in,
You caused this to begin.
I can feel your spirit shake,
I have let you see my earthquake.


I'm not sure if I like the word "have" in the last line of the stanza, it really threw off the flow for me.

You fall into me once more,
I can feel your lips on mine.
I abhor you yet adore you too.
Your soul begins to shine.


The word "too" at the end of line 3 just doesn't fit all that well, with it omitted it will cause nothing to be lost from this song. I feel it'll help the flow a lot more.

I feel your self explode,
I feel it go out and then in,
Together we walk this road.
Frag out and Frag in.


I think this line would be much better if you take out the word "then" in line two, it'll also aid the flow and I'm sure the reader could figure out that it would go out and in, in that order with "then" being present.


Now as for the song as a whole I love it. I love the constant metaphor. And I love that it sounds like a song about bullets and guns and war-like objects, when it's really about sexual activity. The only problems i had with the song were just words that seemed to be lagniappe, but that was just me being picky. Nice song man
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#5
Awesome critique i will certainly correct those things! Spot on with the words that need removing, When I sang the song aloud I left those words out anyways... I didnt notice what I was doing until you said that.

EDIT: Except for the last stanza where it says "then in" I left that because I wanted the rhyme to be more stressed on then instead of in (so the rhyme is between then in the second line and in in the last line. ) It flows fine if you give that line a lesser pause...? Idk if that helps any but thats how I sing it and it flows right in with the rest of the peice.
Last edited by Greenguy32123 at Mar 1, 2007,
#6
Yeah i think I understand what you're trying to say now. I feel the flow
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#7
Quote by Greenguy32123
This might be a little confusing but at the end if you havent realised what this song is about, Ill tell you.

Frag Out and Frag in.

Frag out and Frag in.
Shoot once and then again.
I see the bullet but not rifle,
I can hear the explosions.
But You are the only exception.
The one my silencer cannot stifle.

opening is good


Frag out and Frag in,
You caused this to begin.
I can feel your earth shake,
Then I see my fleshquake.


fleshquake isn't that good word try somrthing else

Frag out and Frag in.
Things my bullet cannot peirce,
Things my feelings cannot win,
This war is still raging feirce,
And yet my will is running thin.

its mnice but this wrd is repeated alot . other then that its ok



I close my eyes and listen,
You shoot once and then again,
I can see your bullets flow out.
I can hear the explosions,
Your breath is no exception,
You are so close now.

I turn with eyes closed,
Your heat leaves you exposed.
liked them alot

I can feel your breath on my lips,
I can feel your lips on my barrel,
I can feel my barrel's trigger
the bullets hit and I see your recoil.

instead i feel your recoil

Frag out and Frag in,
You caused this to begin.
I can feel your spirit shake,
I let you see my earthquake.

You fall into me once more,
I can feel your lips on mine.
I abhor you yet adore you.
Your soul begins to shine.

I feel your self explode,
I feel it go out and then in,
Together we walk this road.
Frag out and Frag in.



overall for a sex song. its good and what i should say cool. as far as i magery of urs is concerned its bit naughty but whatever i liked it

crit mine link is below
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=535339
#8
Wow, I totally missed that. From most of the work I read on this site, I just assumed that nearly everyone was a virgin on here. At first I just assumed metal song, and tried to make other metaphors work but after the explanation, I went back and did a more in depth critique.


Frag Out and Frag in.

Frag out and Frag in.
Shoot once and then again.
I see the bullet but not rifle,
I can hear the explosions.
But You are the only exception.
The one my silencer cannot stifle.

Frag out and Frag in,
You caused this to begin.
I can feel your earth shake,
Then I see my fleshquake.

Frag out and Frag in.
Things my bullet cannot peirce,
Things my feelings cannot win,
This war is still raging feirce,
And yet my will is running thin.

I close my eyes and listen,
You shoot once and then again,
I can see your bullets flow out.
I can hear the explosions,
Your breath is no exception,
You are so close now.

I turn with eyes closed,
Your heat leaves you exposed.

I can feel your breath on my lips,
I can feel your lips on my barrel,
I can feel my barrel's trigger
the bullets hit and I see your recoil.

Frag out and Frag in,
You caused this to begin.
I can feel your spirit shake,
I let you see my earthquake.

You fall into me once more,
I can feel your lips on mine.
I abhor you yet adore you.
Your soul begins to shine.
I feel your self explode,
I feel it go out and then in,
Together we walk this road.
Frag out and Frag in.


I had a bit of a hard time critiqueing this one verse by verse due to the excellent flow. I thought the first two verses did a great job of establishing the song. the third really started to pick things up. next three went excellently together.
I thought the metaphor was held well throughout, with the exceptions of the italicized lines. They seemed overly chipper in comparison. At first I didn't feel it added anything to the song, but after re-reading it, it gave a different concluding tone. Does this work have music to go along to it? I'd say some of it seems redundant, but with the right vocal work that wouldn't be an issue either.

It made me laugh (brilliant use of the word recoil)
it made me cry (the fact i didnt get it te first time)
and made for a very full bodied read.
for a song about sex 9/10 (perfect marks are reserved for something i've yet to read)
#9
Quote by Greenguy32123

Frag Out and Frag in.

Frag out and Frag in.
Shoot once and then again.
I see the bullet but not rifle,
I can hear the explosions.
But You are the only exception.
The one my silencer cannot stifle.
i liked this stanza alot. it really grabbed my attention and dragged me in. no changes here.

Frag out and Frag in,
You caused this to begin.
I can feel your earth shake,
Then I see my fleshquake.
the second line seems a bit odd for some reason, to me. maybe its just the wording? interesting use of poetic liscense with "fleshquake." i guess it works, good stanza.

Frag out and Frag in.
Things my bullet cannot peirce,
Things my feelings cannot win,
This war is still raging feirce,
And yet my will is running thin.
im not a big fan of the first line. its getting a bit played out at this point to have "frag out and Frag in" at the start of every stanza. good rhyme scheme. i like the flow here.

I close my eyes and listen,
You shoot once and then again,
I can see your bullets flow out.
I can hear the explosions,
Your breath is no exception,
You are so close now.
this one is also good. i wouldnt change anything about that.

I turn with eyes closed,
Your heat leaves you exposed.
i like this part. its simplicity is great, and the fact that there is so much more behind the words than meets the eye is great too.

I can feel your breath on my lips,
I can feel your lips on my barrel,
I can feel my barrel's trigger
the bullets hit and I see your recoil.
this one is good, though im not sure i like the word "barrel" in line 3. i get the parallelism from the line before to the next but barrel in line 3 feels overused. the rest is great.

Frag out and Frag in,
You caused this to begin.
I can feel your spirit shake,
I let you see my earthquake.
i like this one too. im not sure if i like "earthquake" though. "earthquake" brings up symbols to me of the whole earth, whereas if you make it "earth quake" it brings personal symbols. i dont know how to explain it. easier example...earthquake as a noun is not really personal, but "my earth quake" as a verb gives the impression that it's your earth. get what im trying to say? it adds more feeling.

You fall into me once more,
I can feel your lips on mine.
I abhor you yet adore you.
Your soul begins to shine.
this one is good, i dont know what to say about this one. its good as it is. maybe the lips line got old since its similar to the one above, but its not really that bad. whatever you want for this one man.

I feel your self explode,
I feel it go out and then in,
Together we walk this road.
Frag out and Frag in.
good closure. the only thing that kinda bugs me is you do a real good job throughout the whole song keeping the metaphor simple, yet hard to guess. with the line "i feel it go out and then in" it kindof exposes the whole metaphor to anyone who didnt get it before. i suggest a line that fits the count but doesnt give in so easily.


good song man. you use great metaphors and imagery and i really like it. hope this crit helps. thanks for critting my poem. keep up the good work.
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