#1
Leaps of faith with none surviving.
The caretaker nods and knows
there are none so conniving,
as the deities rolling the dice.

A minor chord strikes the board,
the silence of plunging men.
As the gods compose our halellujah,
on a catchy melody.

Final acts fade out early,
during our fave musical number.
Curtains drawn by director 'misdirection'
before the clandestine climax,
or perhaps they're just another plot twist.

With one eye on control and eternal glory,
another golden thread is cut for power.
With one sneer for the bold he thirsts,
"More gore, please."


Any crits greatly appreciated, as well just little comments stating whether or not it sucks. CRIT4CRIT.

Oh yeah, suggestions for another title would be very, very helpful.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#2
C'mon, you guys.


It isn't that bad... and if it is, please, tell me.
Cause I love feelin' dirty
And I love feelin' cheap
And I love it when you hurt me
So drive those staples deep
#3
Leaps of faith with none surviving.
The caretaker nods and knows
there are none so conniving,
as the deities rolling the dice.
//Terrific opening, I love it. The only problem is the rhyme scheme, it really breaks the flow. You have a few options. Either don't rhyme with surviving, so that none of it rhymes, or change "dice" to somthing that flows better with "knows". The vowels don't complement eachother.

A minor chord strikes the board,
the silence of plunging men.
As the gods compose our halellujah,
on a catchy melody.
//last two lines don't make sense. Also, the words "men" and "melody" don't complement eachother. Although they dont rhyme, (and they dont need to) the vowel differences break the flow.

Final acts fade out early,
during our fave musical number. //don't use "fav"
Curtains drawn by director 'misdirection' //misdirection? wtf?
before the clandestine climax,
//explain why the climax is secret, don't just say "clandestine climax" because it sounds cool.

or perhaps they're just another plot twist.
//this idea doesn't flow with the overall train of thought

With one eye on control and eternal glory,
another golden thread is cut for power.
//sounds deep and interesting, but doesn't flow or make sense. I'm sure it does to you, but not your average reader.

With one sneer for the bold he thirsts,
"More gore, please."
//gore, when do you introduce this idea? is it fate thirsting for gore? god? misdirection? you? what? huh? where'd you go? This new idea doesn't connect well to the rest of the song, and you can't mix it up that much right at the end where you need closure. Either nix this line, or put something before it that helps it make sense. Btw, I like how he "thirsts" for gore instead of "says" or "requests", really poetic.

Good job overall, tweak it to make sense and it will be really good. Make sure your not being vague. Alot of good writers write abstract and deeply/vague, but it's gotta make sense after some amount of reflection, and your piece is too disconnected to really make sense. I'm sorry if this is too critical, but I know I'd rather be told the flaws of a piece before I finished it. Anyways, 6/10. Just tweak it some.

Alsom please crit mine - Escape Route
#4
Clandestine Climax

Leaps of faith with none surviving.
The caretaker nods and knows
there are none so conniving,
as the deities rolling the dice.
((nice stanza!! great setup, i want to know what else happens))


A minor chord strikes the board,
the silence of plunging men.
As the gods compose our halellujah,
on a catchy melody.
((what? not what I expected.. it's too vague and impersonal. "plunging men?" "strikes the board"? last two are okay, but the first need some work.))

Final acts fade out early,
during our fave musical number.
Curtains drawn by director 'misdirection'
before the clandestine climax,
or perhaps they're just another plot twist.
((I'd scrap the last line, i think. the rest is good, "fave" is a little lame though. Still, I feel like I don't know what's going on or where you're taking me with this one.))


With one eye on control and eternal glory,
another golden thread is cut for power.
With one sneer for the bold he thirsts,
"More gore, please."
((not the greatest ending. i don't know who he is.. if it's god, capatilize the "H." "More gore please?" maybe it would make sense if I knew what the rest was about.))


This one lacks gusto. The language is plain, there are no (that I can see) metaphors and I don't know what's going on. I hope this is what you were looking for, I'm being brutally honest.

On an optimistic note, it shows promise. I would mull it over a bit, make some sweeping changes, clear up the uncertainty and post another draft. Let me know when you do, I'd love to check it out. : )

v In my sig, if you're so inclined.