#1
Tyrant burnsides and government’s grants
Stare as dust infests my nauseous lungs.
I craved air worse then nicotine and tar,
Sweating to no relief in my body and my mind.
Yet fire gave way for my thoughts to arise,
So I dug and picked contemplating blacks and whites,
And who would lead such an advance.
Then they chose the norm of the two
Base not on training or mass but on color.
So I fought from my self’s cut crater
Staring at the designer of this pointless crime
Though his face was hidden by his crown.


only one of two if ever done about an actual moment, can you guess which? american history btw.
#2
i like it maybe crit it later but is the event that battle in the civil war where the all black regiment was sent to charge some fortress? there was a movie about it... dont remember what it was called though

i thought it was pretty good, the flow could be improved maybe- ill see if i think of anything later...

~jimi
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#5
Quote by TrigFunction
Tyrant burnsides and government’s grants
Stare as dust infests my nauseous lungs.
I craved air worse then nicotine and tar,
Sweating to no relief in my body and my mind. Take out the second " my" it kinda disturbs the flow
Yet fire gave way for my thoughts to arise,
So I dug and picked contemplating blacks and whites,
And who would lead such an advance.
Then they chose the norm of the two"norm", I haven't heard that word in a poem before I don't think
Base not on training or mass, but on color.
So I fought from my self’s cut crater
Staring at the designer of this pointless crime
Though his face was hidden by his crown.
I liked this ending it seemed to rhyme but it didn't? it was great.


K, This piece was a lot simpler than some of your newer works, which isn't necessarily bad but this piece was a little bland, you could have utilized metaphors in some parts like the skin color or thoughts parts to make it sound better.

I craved air worse then nicotine and tar,

This is a great line, but you seem to use nicotine and tar in a lot of pieces which took away from it a little, for me anyways.

This is good work but could use a little revising
#6
"So I dug and picked contemplating blacks and whites,"
that line was way way way too long for the rest of it.

BUT. other than that, it was pretty good.
i don't really usually like pieces like this.
like. pieces about historical events or
political issues or stuff of the like, but
this one was actually pretty alright.

if you could take a look at mine in my sig,
it would be greatly appreciated. i'm not
expecting a big huge crit or anything,
but a little look would be kind of nice.

I just want to sleep forever.


#7
Mike you kow the deal. I checked your last worthy crit was 25/1 the rest is you replying to your own threads. Man you want replies you crit.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.