#1
i wrote a poem called one winged angels a while back with a really wonky ending so here is the same poem with a re-worked ending. c4c


The faded kiss I once remember
Blissful and eternal, a sanctuary of fate
But in one instant, the dreaded words
Over-shadowed by pain and hate
My clouded judgment rises again
A weary darkness will pierce my soul
When light peers though the adamantine shadows
I see the glory of which I seek
An angel, suspended on silver wings
Soaring high above undying chaos
To rescue me from my desolate existence
And to shelter me from this perplex entirety.
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Last edited by bunch_dark at Mar 1, 2007,
#2
An angel, suspended on silver wings
Soaring high above undying chaos
To rescue me from my desolate existence
And to shelter me from this perplex entirety.

Magnificent lines there my friend, magnificent.

I love this piece, it's just undescribable. I just love it. Great work. I have nothing to contribute to this great piece.
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#3
hey. liked this ending better. but you say darkness twice in a row, and it bothers me. i dont know. other than that, yeh, ending is so much better. less "wonky". lol
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#4
Quote by bunch_dark
i wrote a poem called one winged angels a while back with a really wonky ending so here is the same poem with a re-worked ending. c4c


The faded kiss I once remember
Blissful and eternal, a sanctuary of fate
But in one instant, the dreaded words
Over-shadowed by pain and hate
this is good but l4 says that the dreaded words "were" overshadowed. wouldnt the dreaded words be casting the shadows of pain and hate?

My clouded judgment rises again
A weary darkness will pierce my soul
When light peers though the adamantine shadowsadamantine doesnt fit, for definitions sake.
I see the glory of which I seek
this is good, but adamantine means firm or incabable of being pierced, therefore you wouldnt be able to look through it. i really like the first two lines, but line 4 is redundant.

An angel, suspended on silver wings
Soaring high above undying chaos
To rescue me from my desolate existence
And to shelter me from this perplex entirety.
man i really like that last stanza. its very good.


pretty good man. you are very good with descriptions. i like the words you use for the most part. i like the dark story that kind of flows through your piece. overall, very nice. feel free to crit my newest one if you get the chance
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Last edited by DrkNTwstd at Mar 2, 2007,
#5
It's good, I have two comments, pain is overused, maybe change it but it works, and if there is anything wrong with it it is too descriptive, not neccesarily saying that is a bad thing.