#1
This is the one thing I wrote that somebody actually recorded music to. The moral of this song is, don't skip doses of antidepressants as it makes you really f***ed up in the head.

Down for two counts
Two and a half at most
A carousel in my brain
Spins oblivious to its host

Still I always try but
Fail to hide the raw
Imperfection in the cure
Cannot perfect the flaw

Looking down isn't best
But seems so when you crawl

Yet still clear but smoky eyes
Implored my full attention
Wary was I to stare straight
To find that sweet ascension
But there was no condescending
Within that opal gaze
Repeat again once-happy days

My fingers find the signs
Contemplation for the next
The count completes at three
Old weakness this time directs

Success is to the reason
As restrain is to the rest

Yet still clear but smoky eyes
Implored my full attention
Wary was me to stare straight
To find that sweet ascension
But there was no condescending
Within that opal gaze
Repeat again once-happy days
Last edited by DaveyJayEn at Mar 1, 2007,
#2
Very solid piece, good imagery. The only thing I could maybe suggest is to add a chorus or two to kind of separate ideas, but that's really just preference.


Also, read the FAQ. There is a one song per day limit, 2 per week, and you've posted 4 in the last hour.

Keep writing.
<Han> I love Hitler
#3
Thanks for the critique and the info about the limit. I deleted the one post that wasn't critted, will put it up for next week. Also, I did have more to this song...the last part actually is the chorus, I had a coda and bridge for it as well, but ended up cutting it down to fit the music my buddy recorded for it.
#4
Put the chorus in twice, and added two codas. Instrumental outro, so no need for verse.
#5
Quote by DaveyJayEn


Down for two counts
Two and a half at mostthis line feels superfluous, but fits with the rhyme scheme.
A carousel in my brain
Spins oblivious to its host
i really like the last two lines. very good.

Side to side blunders
Can’t conceal the raw
Imperfection in the cure
Runs parallel to flaw
i dont really like this stanza. the rhymes work, but the flow is weird. i dont really see how lines 1 and 4 fit into the stanza other than for the sake of the rhyme.

Astringent isn't best
But seems so when you crawl
i dont get these lines much. they dont relate to the song very well, at least to me.

Yet still clear but smoky eyes
Implored my full attention
Wary was me to stare straightdont liek the word "me" here. it takes away from the meaning i think.
To find that sweet ascension
But there was no condescending
Within that opal gaze
Repeat again once-happy days
i like this, the most thought provoking stanza so far. maybe if you add the word "to" before repeat it will work beter. the way it is now it feels really chopped(the last line that is) from the rest of the stanza.

My fingers split alpine
Contemplation for the next
Futures can come in threes
Old weakness this time directs
i dont know what the fingers line has to do with the piece, and each line seems like it is it's own different thought, kind of unlinked to the others.

Success is to the reason
As restrain is to the rest

Yet still clear but smoky eyes
Implored my full attention
Wary was me to stare straight
To find that sweet ascension
But there was no condescending
Within that opal gaze
Repeat again once-happy days


i like it. its got some definate potential.just work on some small stuff and youll have a very solid piece. good work mate. keep it up. btw you appear to be the first of the march 07ers. im already liking march better than february. welcome to UG!
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