#1
Came up with this while walking home and looking at the moon's corona. When I read it I keep thinking I was listening to a lot of Iron and Wine.

A Crown of Midnight

It's funny how the stride eats up
Too quickly the distance
There is no hindrance

It's crazy how the mind speaks up
Far into the night-time
What a strange sign

Can no one else see the sign?
Can no one else read a mind?
Or is it such a crime...

The king in the sky looks down
Feel the shine of his gauzy crown
A time to forever hold our own
In the moon's glow we all atone

It's so odd how they always say
Hearts lost amongst the sea
Will soon find their tranquility

It's peculiar how a simple want
Can branch beyond control
'til there's nothing to enfold

Can any know to sink or swim?
Can no one else brighten dim?
Or is it just a whim...

The king in the sky looks down
Feel the shine of his gauzy crown
A time to forever hold our own
In the moon's glow we all atone

Is it right to sink or swim?
Is it right to sink or swim?
Moonlit eyes,
the sinking in.
Is it right to sink or swim?
Is it right to sink or swim?
Last edited by DaveyJayEn at Mar 1, 2007,
#2
Maybe make an outro. from your last verse.

Something like...

Is it right to sink or swim?
Is it right to sink or swim?
Moonlit eyes,
the sinking in.
Is it right to sink or swim?
Is it right to sink or swim?

etc.


Just my thoughts on it.
Also, the chorus seems to be a bit weaker than the rest of it. The whole song in general reminds me of "Tool" for some reason.
#3
Thanks for the crit, that outro you wrote is quite fitting so I'm appropriating it, so thank you for that too. Hope it works a bit better now.