#1
A little strange...kind of a Death Cab for Cutie feel.

Find your name on the top of the list,
Rub it out
Find your hand’s heel collides with colour
Put yourself down
Well tucked into the middle-run

Try another light and plug it into you
Let it burn
Find your skin marked and lying for truth
Let it all go
Smile or cry at what you’ve done

Entwined
But measuring angles on the railings
Rotate three times
And check these lines

Pull another one down to the fibers
Watch it run
The presence of outside is clear
Watch numbers fade
Please apologize for all the fun

Find your name on the bottom of the list,
Rub it out
Find your hand’s heel collides with scars
Put yourself down
Well tucked into the middle-run

Entwined
But measuring angles on the railings
Rotate three times
And check these lines
Last edited by DaveyJayEn at Mar 1, 2007,
#2
I like it for the most part, though I do find it a little hard to follow. I don't love the rhyming in the second stanza, where you rhyme 'into you' with 'to you', but overall, this is a good piece.
<Han> I love Hitler
#3
i like

very nice imagery... it's not overcrowding, just hinting at possible scenes.... mmm
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
#4
Thanks for the great crits, second stanza has been edited, hope this sounds better.
#5
Quote by DaveyJayEn
A little strange...kind of a Death Cab for Cutie feel.

Find your name on the top of the list,
Rub it out
Find your hand’s heel collides with colour
Put yourself down
Well tucked into the middle-run

hmm interesting start. a little straight forward but it works

Take another drag and plug it into you
Let it burn
Find your skin marked and lying for truth
Let it all go
Smile or cry at what you’ve done

im not huge on the first line, its a little blah and cliche. the whole cigarette thing is being used a lot, whether it be as a metaphor or just directly using it. i do like the last line though, alot

Entwined
But measuring angles on the railings
Rotate three times
And check cosine

this is interesting but the last line gets a little to mathematic and throws the rest of this stanza off because everything before this was pretty good specially the first 2 lines.

Pull another one down to the fibers
Watch it run
The lateness of outside is clear
Watch numbers fade
Please apologize for all the fun

the 3rd line here is worded a little awkward, 'lateness' is a weird way to say it and im not sure if its even a word. well it probably is but it doesnt work here. again though i like the last line

Find your name on the bottom of the list,
Rub it out
Find your hand’s heel collides with scars
Put yourself down
Well tucked into the middle-run

Entwined
But measuring angles on the railings
Rotate three times
And check cosine



overall this is a solid start with some good ideas and some good one liners but its lacking the substance to make this a perfect piece because of a few let downs in some of the stanzas.
7/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=531524
theres mine if you can return a crit^
let me know when you post another piece i like your style of writing
#7
I likes it. That's all.
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