...real personal one this about a family member, tell me what yee think. Crit 4 crit and such...

verse 1:

bad times come and go away
and even the good ones fade out in the shade,
it's all part of the life that we breathe in,
i think a lot of you you see
your on my mind so constantly
wishin i'd called round more often to hear your voice

verse 2:

you always took away my pain,
held me close told me that i'm not the same,
you said this boys gonna be a real big star,
as i've grown i've stayed away,
the time that was precious i threw away,
you'll never know how much it hurts now that your gone


some say we're the future,
but it dont look good for us,
we all die anyway
so whats with all the fuss
i can see that life's for living
but now i dont have no life,
cos since that day in rainy march,
i havent had a choice
now your gone,
the clouds take up the space where i know you'll be,
it'll take time
i know
but for now i'm forever thinkin of the times we had before.

Verse 3:

you knew that the time was comin to you,
somewtimes you'd have a cry and that was that,
you'd put your happy face back on and somehow make me laugh,
i'd spend all the money in the world,
to bring you back show you what your worth,
it hurts more knowing that this is reality.


you should be with us,
and now i wanna hold your hand,
take the weight off your shoulders,
lets make a masterplan,
i'm feeling like i've never done,
now your gone,
the windows still has the imprint of your hand.
This is really long, and is gonna need some reworking, so I'm not going to do a line-by-line, but I'll tell you what I think. This genre is overused, and often poorly done, which helps give it a bad rep. You did a reasonably good job with the ideas side of the song which is the tough part, but you need some help on the poetic side. First of all, it doesn't flow well in all the spots. I'm sure you speak faster or slower to fit words in which is OK sometimes, but try to be consistantly fluid. Also, your rhymes are either too bovious or too distracting. Read your song through, or have some one else read it to you and you'll hear it. One big distraction was the sound "way". I counted it used six times right in the beginning in "away" or "anyway" etc. Cut back on those. Personally, I think the chorus is too long. I don't know how your song goes, but consider shortening the chorus and dissolving some of the lines you throw out into a new verse. It's really good overall though, 7/10. Keep on writing.

And please, crit mine - Escape Route