#1
this one is not one of my best, i feel its kind of crappy, actually. so tear it apart and help me make it great! Crit4Crit as always. Thanks guys!
i have a breaking benjamin style guitar sound for this.


Edit: here's the new version with a few changes. let me know what ya think please! be harsh, i want this to be great.

Dance through the Romance

when the air is dark and freezing
in the corners of my mind
i search my soul for reasons
babe, im searching for a sign

falling through the boundaries
of where i should be going
i found what i was looking for
how'd i manage without knowing

its your eyes and your smile
that are keeping me alive
and i know you're in denial
but with you i feel so right
listen to these words and
know that they ring true
'cause what i feel for you now girl
theres nothing i can do
but be with you.

sprawled out on the floor and
sifting through the memories
scribed out on the polaroids
"this is our fantasy"

Yeah, its your eyes and your smile
that are keeping me alive
and i know you're in denial
but with you i feel so right
listen to these words and
know that they ring true
'cause what i feel for you now girl
theres nothing i can do
but be with you.

and im standing here with you now
in your dress of black and white
with a gentle breeze my words drift away
out towards the suns first light

and you'll know...

That its your eyes and your smile
that are keeping me alive
and i know you're in denial
but with you i feel so right
listen to these words and
know that they ring true
'cause what i feel for you now girl
theres nothing i can do
but be with you.

so right, tonight.
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
Last edited by DrkNTwstd at Mar 1, 2007,
#2
Overall pretty decent. The first verse REALLY grabbed me, although frigid and freezing together kinda seems redundant. Just use one or the other, and it'll seem less awkward. I'm not sure about the girl feeling blue, either and singing a song for you.. just seems overdone I guess.
Chorus seems a tad cliched in the second half, but then again if it's a Breaking Benjamin influence it fits okay.
Overall I think your "darker" style, especially the first two verses, has some real merit. I'm actually the same way, strange and dark stuff is more fun anyway.

Keep givin'r!
#3
^thanks man, i agree those lines about her blue and singing it are real cliche. as for the first line i was trying to fit the syllable and i figured the alliteration would be cool, but youre right, it is tough to keep the flow with two of the same words. ill change that after a few more crits so i can get it all done at once. thanks dood!
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
Last edited by DrkNTwstd at Mar 1, 2007,
#4
like i said that i will crit ur mxt piece to return your crit. here i go with again my stupid ideas

Quote by DrkNTwstd
this one is not one of my best, i feel its kind of crappy, actually. so tear it apart and help me make it great! Crit4Crit as always. Thanks guys!
i have a breaking benjamin style guitar sound for this.


Dance through the Romance

when its dark and frigid freezing
in the corners of my mind
i search my soul for reasons
and i waste away the time

L1 frigid freezing dont go along well . use one of them . i 'll suggest freezing
l4 i didn't like it and it's sort of a cliche just change that

falling through the boundaries
of where i should be going
i found what i was looking for
how'd i manage without knowing

i am srry but i didn't get it. how the first 2 lines are related with the last 2. can u plz explain that to me

its your eyes and your smile
that are keeping me alive
and i know you're in denial
but with you i feel so right
listen to these words and
know that they ring true
'cause what i feel for you now girl
theres nothing i can do
but be with you.

i liked it. its kinda sweet


sprawled out on the floor and
sifting through the memories
the ones of us jump straight out
they're all that I can see


L3 seems forced , change last 2 line they dont seem to have the same impact as first 2

its your eyes and your smile
that are keeping me alive
and i know you're in denial
but with you i feel so right
listen to these words and
know that they ring true
'cause what i feel for you now girl
theres nothing i can do
but be with you.

and im back in love with you girl
so when you're feelin' blue
with a gentle breeze my words drift away
and ill sing my song for you


Srry didn't like it that much .

and you'll know...

That its your eyes and your smile
that are keeping me alive
and i know you're in denial
but with you i feel so right
listen to these words and
know that they ring true
'cause what i feel for you now girl
theres nothing i can do
but be with you.

so right, tonight.



overall the piece is ok but it can be better.its sort of a cliche but hey whatever works man. i will look frwrd to see more of ur work .
Hi
#5
falling through the boundaries
of where i should be going
i found what i was looking for
how'd i manage without knowing

i was relating back again to the corners of my mind, and where the lines are that I shouldnt cross, but while i was across that boundary i found what i was searching for. does that help?

and thanks man, il crit yours in alittle bit when im done editing this. i agree, the bridge is way crappy. its hard writing a non cliche love song, ya know?!
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
#6
Quote by DrkNTwstd
falling through the boundaries
of where i should be going
i found what i was looking for
how'd i manage without knowing

i was relating back again to the corners of my mind, and where the lines are that I shouldnt cross, but while i was across that boundary i found what i was searching for. does that help?

and thanks man, il crit yours in alittle bit when im done editing this. i agree, the bridge is way crappy. its hard writing a non cliche love song, ya know?!



ya it helps . i just asked you because my stupid mind was not getting it thanx . and yeah i agree its hard to write a non cliche love song . no matter how hard you try people always say it's a sort of a cliche
Hi
#7
sprawled out on the floor and
sifting through the memories
scribed out on the polaroids
"this is our fantasy"

I didn't like that. Good idea but it dosen't flow with the rest of the song.
If anything it's cliche, but who the hell cares, I think it would be better slow, or acoustic, and I would look to take the verses you are in love with and keep them, and take out the other ones so it's a little shorter. Thx fot the crit.
#8
when the air is dark and freezing
in the corners of my mind
i search my soul for reasons
babe, im searching for a sign

I like this first verse, it opens you up to an immediate feeling which is good, the only thing I'd really suggest changing would be the searching in L4, it's slightly repetitive with the word search in L3.

falling through the boundaries
of where i should be going
i found what i was looking for
how'd i manage without knowing

I like this as well, the only thing here would be that "how'd i get by without knowing" sounds better in my head then "how'd i manage without knowing" but it's a judgement call.

its your eyes and your smile
that are keeping me alive
and i know you're in denial
but with you i feel so right
listen to these words and
know that they ring true
'cause what i feel for you now girl
theres nothing i can do
but be with you.

This is alright, but it just feels cliche to me like I've heard some of those lines before.

sprawled out on the floor and
sifting through the memories
scribed out on the polaroids
"this is our fantasy"

I really like this, to me it blows your chorus out of the water. I wouldn't change it.

Yeah, its your eyes and your smile
that are keeping me alive
and i know you're in denial
but with you i feel so right
listen to these words and
know that they ring true
'cause what i feel for you now girl
theres nothing i can do
but be with you.

and im standing here with you now
in your dress of black and white
with a gentle breeze my words drift away
out towards the suns first light

This is also very good, I think you could say the exact same thing without the "my" in L3, but it's all very good.

and you'll know...

That its your eyes and your smile
that are keeping me alive
and i know you're in denial
but with you i feel so right
listen to these words and
know that they ring true
'cause what i feel for you now girl
theres nothing i can do
but be with you.

so right, tonight.

I like what you've done here, it's hard to write about an exhausted topic like love without being cliche, you did a good job in your verses, but unfortunately it bit a little in your chorus. I think if you work on that some, you'll have it cause you're one the right track with those verses.
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!