#1
My new song part acoustic, part keyboard and drum.

Me posty on myspace when I done.

your just, not enough
for everyone to fall by your feet
Your just, too good
to ever hang out with.

But we both just know
that your too perfect
Photo perfect
just one step ahead of everyone else.

Your there, waiting for someone
who'll probably never show up
I'm here, waiting
for the words you'll never say...

But I don't really care
cuz life really isnt fair
and as the photos burn to the ground
I'll be thinking of you.

But we both just know
that your too perfect
Photo perfect
just one step ahead of everyone else.
#2
It had good feeling to it, kind of a pop punk song/acoustic. I think picture perfect might of worked better than photo perfect. And the forth paragraph seemed more of a filler than part of the song, the first two lines seem like they were slapped in there, otherwise its good.
#3
Quote by Hitting Bottom
My new song part acoustic, part keyboard and drum.

Me posty on myspace when I done.

your just, not enough
for everyone to fall by your feet
Your just, too good
to ever hang out with.
im not sure what the point in the opposing lines (1 and 3) are. you say shes not enough, then shes too good. kind of confusing. line 4 is bland and gives the feeling of immaturity.

But we both just know
that your too perfect
Photo perfect picture perfect?
just one step ahead of everyone else.
line 4 kind of strays a bit from the rest of the lines, and doesnt fit the rhyme scheme, at least the way im singing it. i could be way off though...

Your there, waiting for someone
who'll probably never show up
I'm here, waiting
for the words you'll never say...
i like this stanza. its got good vulnerability and relatability. might want to lose "probably" in line 2 though and put another word in there, it kind of takes away from the power of the stanza to add in doubt. good, though.

But I don't really care
cuz life really isnt fair
and as the photos burn to the ground
I'll be thinking of you.
im not sure how i feel about "really" in both first and second lines. i dont want to say its an "elementary" word, but it doesnt have much meaning behind it. you know what i mean?

But we both just know
that your too perfect
Photo perfect
just one step ahead of everyone else.


i liked your piece. it did seem rather basic, which isnt necessarily bad. it could use a few touch ups here and there. if you edit and repost ill be glad to crit again. feel free to check out my newest if you get the chance
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

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#5
Okay thnx guys!!


your just, not enough
for everyone to fall by your feet
Your just, too good
to ever hang out with me.

But we both just know
that your too perfect
picture perfect
just one step ahead of everyone else.

Your there, waiting for someone
who'll probably never show up
I'm here, waiting
for the words you'll never say...

But I don't really care
cuz life just isnt fair
and as the photos burn to the ground
I'll be thinking of you.

But we both just know
that your too perfect
picture perfect
just one step ahead of everyone else.