#1
It's been so long since I've seen you,
frequencies vary, and reception is lost,
there's disbelief here, in their words,
dancing around their breath.

Where do you go, I wonder,
overdone the argon atoms can't take anymore,
stay gold, I wouldn't want you to explode.

I'll remark the chains sweetheart,
and you'll note the weather,
whether or not it's on the television set,
constantly screaming at me.

//////////////////////////////////////
It's obviously not done, but if I get any good comments I'll post it when I'm done. Crit for crit.
#2
Quote by Matt.Chavie
It's been so long since I've seen you,
frequencies vary, and reception is lost,
there's disbelief here, in their words,
dancing around their breath.
i like this alot. line 1 is a bit cliche, line 2 is great, line 3...whos they? and line 4 is great and a good reference to 3.

Where do you go, I wonder,
overdone the argon atoms can't take anymore,
stay gold, I wouldn't want you to explode.
im not sure how line 1 relates to 2 and 3. its not bad, but its kind of confusing. i like the rhyming in the last line gold, explode.

I'll remark the chains sweetheart,
and you'll note the weather,
whether or not it's on the television set,
constantly screaming at me.
again, what does one have to do with the rest, but its pretty good. i really like the last 2 lines.
//////////////////////////////////////
It's obviously not done, but if I get any good comments I'll post it when I'm done. Crit for crit.


this is very good for not finished yet. its definately got some promise in it. keep it up, id like to see more of your work. feel free to crit my newest if you get the chance
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



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#3
It's been so long since I've seen you, (my light burnt out, where did the light go, cliche now lol?)

frequencies vary, and reception is lost, (reference to electricity)

there's disbelief here, in their words,
dancing around their breath.(stunned that the light went out)


Where do you go, I wonder, (what happened to the light)

overdone the argon atoms can't take anymore,(argon is the gas in light bulbs)

stay gold, I wouldn't want you to explode.(pretty explanatory)

I'll remark the chains sweetheart,(thinking about current events in life, ill remark the chain of events kinda)

and you'll note the weather, (the next two are about the weather we are having snow storms here)
whether or not it's on the television set,

constantly screaming at me. (and this is pretty much the tv makin noise)

Just to clarify I am not on drugs, I just like to write about things people don't see, and a good example is you not knowing that my light bulb died, it could be lame if you wanted it to be, but it also is good imagery for relationships/life, so it is more a comparison of an object and life) I'll message it to you when I'm done if you want, i wrote this yesterday when i was eating breakfast.