#1
Check out my other song

A sandcastle manor in a monsoon lull
With the walls falling down around us
Why do I feel so calm?
Why do I feel so at home?

Why can't we just wash away like the night
Why can't we just wash away like the night

"Twenty-six white pearls set on a string"
Bellows the voice from the attic
"Twenty-five, twenty-four, twenty-three"

Why can't we just wash away like the night
Why can't we just wash away like the night
I have cancer, fight me.
YOU WON'T.
Last edited by SilentSpectacle at Mar 2, 2007,
#2
Id really love to see more story in this, I am taken with it, the last stanza (pearls) is quite chilling; BUT, it isn't as powerful as it could, should it have other details around it. Also it might be the main chorus of the song, but "wash" seemed well bad diction IMO, it just didn't sit well with me. Overall nice idea, but needs expantion.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
I knew the 2 post per week, didn't know about the one per day :-X

I'm not sure if this piece is done or not, so I know it needs more.
Thanks for the crit though :]
I have cancer, fight me.
YOU WON'T.