#1
Business As Usual


I build my coffins to the nines,
only to be mothered by Miss Iodine.
Driving crippled cable cars for a high,
and sinking lower every time.
I'm finding my vocation reeks of faint endeavors,
a collection of panic buttons and derailed levers.
Conference rooms that beckon murder,
left me slit from ear to ear.
The most heartfelt words you'll never deny:
"I'll take you for your money,
if you take me for a ride"
I'm holding my breath to suffocate you inside,
while we play Chutes and Ladders up and down my spine.
You can't
hurt me
this way.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Mar 3, 2007,
#2
I'll give this a crit sometime, probably tomorrow, or at least soon.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#3
Well, I really don't have anything bad to say about this. I usually don't like the abab rhyme scheme that you have for most of this, but here I actually didn't mind it. Really good piece, sorry for not having any suggestions.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#4
I really like this.

"Driving crippled cable cars for a high,
and sinking lower every time."

^ I think this bit is brilliant

I love the choice of words you used, and some of the really twisted and dark words that are in there.
I not sure what all of it means though... any chance you could break it down?

[mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=537259]
VENUSIAN
FB SC BC TW
Patterns In The Ivy present ethnicity on an intriguing and dedicated level. ~Ambient Exotica
A mesmeric melange of yearning voice, delicate piano and carefully chosen samples. ~Lost Voices
#5
This is awesome.
I'm finding my vocation reeks of faint endeavors,
a collection of panic buttons and derailed levers.

I love that line!
Well done, the mood is amazing.
#7
I build my coffins to the nines,i dont get the 'to the nines'
only to be mothered by Miss Iodine.ok,weird line, mabe smothered, not mothered?
Driving crippled cable cars for a high,
and sinking lower every time.
I'm finding my vocation reeks of faint endeavors,
a collection of panic buttons and derailed levers.
Conference rooms that beckon murder,
left me slit from ear to ear.sounds like its worded wierdly. probly just me
The most heartfelt words you'll never deny:
"I'll take you for your money,
if you take me for a ride"
I'm holding my breath to suffocate you inside,my favorite line out of it all
while we play Chutes and Ladders up and down my spine.interesting, yet a bit wierd
You can't
hurt me
this way.

overall, nice job, not much i can recommend for you on this one. sorry, but some liens did sound a bit wierd. thanks for the crit
#8
thanks everyone... yeah i wasn't sure about the rhyme scheme but i'm glad it worked out.

and rabidguitarist... i will get to yours eventually.

and raggle... i know some of the lines sound weird, but they do all make sense one way or another haha.

thanks again.
#9
I'll just reinforce and say this was a very pleasant read.

all except the murder/ear rhyme, those 2 lines didn't flow into each other and imo just sounded too forced.

#10
thanks Jamie... honestly those two lines weren't even intended to rhyme together... so any forced rhyming there was completely accidental.