#1
This one is a poem. it has no real meter or plans for stanzas or anything like that. i just had to get the words out. Crit4Crit, as always, my friends. leave the link you want me to crit or ill just pick one out of ur sig. thanks guys!

Edit: made a few changes to this piece. be brutal with it guys.

just a host to animosity
a camel packing heat in the winter
stir the blood in the saucepan
yet beware not to melt the spoon
over my open flames


cross the oceans of sundrenched sand
baked in the open air, hot and sticky
and then ice flails from the north
and casts a chilly hand over my neck
and it all falls into place


the trees wither and the earth cracks
beneath my feet the sand melts to glass
i see myself red in the reflection
i swallow a piece to know what real
pane tastes like


it quenches my thirst for the birds
point my way to space, a green place for me
which lies just beyond my reach
vultures circle my feet waiting to feed
and then, as a camel, drop my hostility
and watch the damned fools asphyxiate on the toxins
a few more faces and a few less places
where does a camel wander in the jungle?
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
Last edited by DrkNTwstd at Mar 2, 2007,
#2
Quote by DrkNTwstd
This one is a poem. it has no real meter or plans for stanzas or anything like that. i just had to get the words out. Crit4Crit, as always, my friends. leave the link you want me to crit or ill just pick one out of ur sig. thanks guys!

just a host to animosity
a camel packing heat in the winter
stir the blood in the pan gruesome... Yuck lol that made me think of bloody scrambled eggs... Nice.
yet beware not to melt the spoon
over my open flamesNice again.


cross the oceans of sundrenched sand
baked in the open air, hot and sticky
and then ice flails from the north
and casts a chilly hand over my neck
and it all falls into place Awesome visuals!


the trees wither and the earth cracks
beneath my feet the sand melts to glass
i see myself red in reflection in THE reflection maybe? seems lacking a word? Reword maybe
i swallow a piece to know what real
pane tastes likehaha i dont know if you meant pain or pane as in window pane... haha if window pane is what you were going for then kudos to you!


it quenches my thirst for the birds
point my way to space, a green place for me
which lies just beyond my reach
vultures circle my feet waiting to feed
and then, as a camel, drop my hostility
and watch the damned fools choke on the poison Didnt like this line... Maybe think of something other than choke on poison?
a few more faces and a few less places
where does a camel wander in the jungle?


Overall a pretty good song, awesome visuals. Keep it up! Mind critting my Frag in And Frag out? Try and be harsh if you can, Id like to know whats wrong in it lol. Its in my sig!
#3
^thanks for the crit man, i meant "pane" with that line. yeah i should add "the" to that line and that poison line, actually, was the one line that i didnt really like after i reread it after i posted it. ill come up with a better line for that. ill crit yours now. thanks man!
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD