#1
CHECK OUT THE REVISION, IT'S LIKE POST #7

I have no idea where this came from, it just kinda showed up in head I guess. The lyrics might not be great, but I'm gonna have fun playing this live...

Small Town Killers

Rollin like a deadly tornado through your living room
There is a television set tragedy going boom
Blowin’ glass into your children’s eyes
Exploiting the minds and soakin' up their lives
Caffeine coaxed kids killin’ guinea pigs in the microwave
Cryin’ for a new one every time a pretty pet see its grave
And they grow up to become murderous teens
Rippin’ all the gorgeous girls out of magazines

Everyone’s a killer now days
Like that cool to-go lesbian phase
Tell me where did high school end
And when did real life begin

Because everything is starting to blend

It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy
And I’m thinkin’ maybe

I wanna kill someone!

Billy killed Judy
And Becky stabbed John
Jenny shot Bobby
While Suzy killed Paul
Johnny slashed Vicky
While Jimmy cut Drew
Stevie killed Mary
While robbing them all

Small town killers

Got a brand new stash box pussy to hide all your weapons in
Cowboy killer cigarettes got you wearing thin
Schizophrenic, paranoid, and psychosis
Pickin’ up mental disorders through osmosis
Quiet gothic teens blast murder ballads in their locked bedroom
Carving on their own arms while they write about impending doom
Box cutter Benjamin and his gang of forty thieves
Run off to kill again; hear them in the leaves?

Everyone’s a killer now days
Like that cool to-go lesbian phase
Tell me where did high school end
And when did real life begin

Because everything is starting to blend

It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy
And I’m thinkin’ maybe

I wanna kill someone!

Billy killed Judy
And Becky stabbed John
Jenny shot Bobby
While Suzy killed Paul
Johnny slashed Vicky
While Jimmy cut Drew
Stevie killed Mary
While robbing them all

Small town killers

X-factor wanna-be’s
Hidin’ in the trees
Saying nobody believes us
But it’s like followin’ Jesus

Small town killers

New-wave shock rockers walk on beer bottles and bong fragments
To be free while crushing glass into the pavement
After nearly smoking themselves to death
Fightin’ off this feeling like poison breath
Wake up in a cold sweat wearing a bloody white uniform
Sleep with an axe beneath their bed just to keep it warm
And use dead blue skin as their blanket
Serial killer flunkies don’t even think it

Everyone’s a killer now days
Like that cool to-go lesbian phase
Tell me where did high school end
And when did real life begin

Because everything is starting to blend

It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy
And I’m thinkin’ maybe

I wanna kill someone!

Billy killed Judy
And Becky stabbed John
Jenny shot Bobby
While Suzy killed Paul
Johnny slashed Vicky
While Jimmy cut Drew
Stevie killed Mary
While I took the fall

It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy
And I’m thinkin’ maybe
It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy

Small town killers!
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
Last edited by punkrockconcept at Mar 4, 2007,
#2
Quote by punkrockconcept


Small Town Killers

Rollin like a deadly tornado through your living room
There is a television set tragedy going boom
its fits the rhyme but the lack of words left me stumbling through this line. try rewording to keep the flow.
Blowin’ glass into your children’s eyes
Exploiting the minds and soakin' up their lives
the first line was good, the second line was alright. the first half of the second was good but "soakin up their lives" doesnt really fit with the rest of the stanza. its seemingly unrelated.
Caffeine coaxed kids killin’ guinea pigs in the microwave
Cryin’ for a new one every time a pretty pet see its grave
the second line doesnt flow well, but the first is good. interesting concept.
And they grow up to become murderous teens
Rippin’ all the gorgeous girls out of magazines
i get the idea, but the girls out of magazines line doesnt make much sense to me, or fit with the scheme of the song. i dont really like that line.

Everyone’s a killer now days
Like that cool to-go lesbian phase
Tell me where did high school end
And when did real life begin
second line doesnt do a thing for the song and isnt related at all. also, i think the last sentence would flow better if it read something like "and when does life begin." its alright, but the word real threw me off the beat. the way it is now, also, the word real is the focus point of the line, whereas life should be the more important word. you can work that all out, im sure.

Because everything is starting to blend

It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy
And I’m thinkin’ maybe

I wanna kill someone!
this is alright. wording feels a bit weird, but the principle is good.

Billy killed Judy
And Becky stabbed John
Jenny shot Bobby
While Suzy killed Paul
Johnny slashed Vicky
While Jimmy cut Drew
Stevie killed Mary
While robbing them all
this part is weird to me. you went from saying everyone is killers, to you are a killer, and now everyone is a killer again. i guess it could work, but itjust seemed a bit odd. also, id swap figure out what the rhyme scheme is because some of the names are unrhyming but others appear intentionally rhymed. are these all friends of yours or just random names?

Small town killers

Got a brand new stash box pussy to hide all your weapons in
Cowboy killer cigarettes got you wearing thin
Schizophrenic, paranoid, and psychosis
Pickin’ up mental disorders through osmosis
Quiet gothic teens blast murder ballads in their locked bedroom
Carving on their own arms while they write about impending doom
Box cutter Benjamin and his gang of forty thieves
Run off to kill again; hear them in the leaves?
im not a big fan of the word pussy, and im not sure what its relevance to the song is. the word "killer" is getting played out, so in the second line you might want to find a new word. the line about osmosis seems forced. the lines about the gothic kids have alot of syllables in them. i dont know what your patterns are for rythm and such, but they seem to be way longer than the rest. the last two lines are clever and i like the rhyme there. dont change those two.

Everyone’s a killer now days
Like that cool to-go lesbian phase
Tell me where did high school end
And when did real life begin

Because everything is starting to blend

It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy
And I’m thinkin’ maybe

I wanna kill someone!

Billy killed Judy
And Becky stabbed John
Jenny shot Bobby
While Suzy killed Paul
Johnny slashed Vicky
While Jimmy cut Drew
Stevie killed Mary
While robbing them all

Small town killers

X-factor wanna-be’s
Hidin’ in the trees
Saying nobody believes us
But it’s like followin’ Jesus
small town killers hiding in the trees? were you just looking for a rhyme here? it doesnt make much sense. also, why bring jesus into the song, especially so late?

Small town killers

New-wave shock rockers walk on beer bottles and bong fragments
To be free while crushing glass into the pavement
After nearly smoking themselves to death
Fightin’ off this feeling like poison breath
the song is really long at this point. i would try cutting some stuff out, the stuff you love the most, and trying to shorten the rest. like the part about the goths and the part about the shock rockers can go together and make one stanza. it would just make it all neater, ya know?
Wake up in a cold sweat wearing a bloody white uniform
Sleep with an axe beneath their bed just to keep it warm
And use dead blue skin as their blanket
Serial killer flunkies don’t even think it
i dont get the white uniform part or the axe part. what are they keeping warm? the blanket line is gross, albeit good imagery. yuck. the last line doesnt fit at all and seems added on late. consider revising that last line.

Everyone’s a killer now days
Like that cool to-go lesbian phase
Tell me where did high school end
And when did real life begin

Because everything is starting to blend

It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy
And I’m thinkin’ maybe

I wanna kill someone!

Billy killed Judy
And Becky stabbed John
Jenny shot Bobby
While Suzy killed Paul
Johnny slashed Vicky
While Jimmy cut Drew
Stevie killed Mary
While I took the fall

It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy
And I’m thinkin’ maybe
It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy

Small town killers!


very......interesting piece. kinda creepy, pretty gross, good imagery. its not a contemporary piece so i dont know really what the music would sound like. right now it feels very rushed and very jumpy. lines are choppy and its hard to keep the flow. its also extremely long. what was your motivation for this piece? sorry to be so harsh but id rather good/harsh criticism rather than asskissing lies. If you get a chance crit either my poem or my newest song. thanks. best of luck
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
#3
I appreciate the crit, but I think you're missing it slightly. It's written to sound a little rushed, it's nothing but complete energy. There's no real message or anything to it, it's just a song about something, which would be a play off serial killers.

The "cool to go lesbian phase" line is comparing it another local fad I've happened to witness. The word "pussy" is what most serial killers are called growing up, and possibly the thing they are most after. Sorry you don't like the word.

The "rippin' gorgeous girls out of magazines" line comes partly just from Jack the Ripper, and the fact that serial killers go after women, mostly.

All the names in the supposed to be chorus, came to me at random, and yes they all randomly rhyme, the only intentional rhyme is "Paul" and "all".

The white uniform and axe parts, are kinda like bad dream, mental plaguing kinda things. I know the imagery is disgusting, but it's factual.

I agree it could use some editing, and maybe a little tidying up. Whether there's a big important message or not, all the lines do have a point, and I'm not sure that I'd go as far as to remove any, instead of just cleaning them up. But thanks for your time man, and I'll get to one of yours a look here in a little bit.
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#4
that makes alot of sense. alright then, i just didnt want you to throw lines in there that didnt have any meaning. after you explained it it makes sense to me. good job.
Quote by TonyRandall

you are definately a skilled writer.



myspace.

my band

~We Rock Out With Our Cocks Out!: UG Naked Club.~


Member of the USA LAUGAM HIT SQUAD
#5
I'm not going to bother giving that a full-crit. It's long, man! But, to me, that's a good thing. I like many of the lines in this piece and content of the song somewhat, it wasn't a boring read. There are a few spots where the song is a ... little brittle, but I think you can spot them yourself, actually, and make some good revisions.

Keep writing.
Music is a weapon. Use it wisely.


"So retire the ships, the final voyage was his ..."


Quote by kaktusnpoop (on Norma Jean)
I think they use Botch guitars tuned to drop Botch.
#6
thanks man, as long as there is nothing big wrong with it. I've pretty much decided where I'm going to revise, now I just gotta decide how.
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!
#7
Here you go, I did some revision and made it easier to fit my groove. I'm gonna continue to work on it and make it better.

Small Town Killers

Rollin like a deadly tornado through your living room
Hear another television set tragedy blastin’; boom!
Blowin’ all the glass into your children’s eyes
Bombing their minds and soaking up their lives
Caffeine coaxed kids kill guinea pigs in the microwave
Cry for a new one when a pretty pet finds its grave
And they grow up one day to become murderous teens
Rippin’ all those gorgeous girls outta magazines

Everyone’s a killa now days
Like that cool to-go lez phase
Tell me where did high school end
And when did real-life begin

It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy
And I’m thinkin’ maybe

I wanna kill someone!

Billy killed Judy
And Becky stabbed John
Jenny shot Bobby
While Suzy killed Paul
Johnny slashed Vicky
While Jimmy cut Drew
Stevie killed Nikki
While robbing them all

Small town killaz

A brand new stash-box pussy to hide all your weapons in
Cowboy killer cigarettes have got you wearing thin
Maybe schizophrenic and paranoid, with psychosis
Babies pick up mental disorders through osmosis
Gothic-teens play murder ballads in their bedroom
Carving on their own arms while they wish of doom
Box cutter Benjamin and his gang of forty thieves
Run off to kill again; hear them in the leaves?

Everyone’s a killa now days
Like that cool to-go lez phase
Tell me where did high school end
And when did real-life begin

It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy
And I’m thinkin’ maybe

I wanna kill someone!

Billy killed Judy
And Becky stabbed John
Jenny shot Bobby
While Suzy killed Paul
Johnny slashed Vicky
While Jimmy cut Drew
Stevie killed Nikki
While robbing them all

Small town killaz

X-factor wanna-be’s
Waiting in the trees
Say nobody believes us
It’s like followin’ Jesus
A rush I can’t explain
Go ahead call me insane

Small town killaz

Shocking new-wavers walk on beer bottles and bong fragments
Wanna be free while crushing glass into the pavement
Soon after nearly smoking themselves to death
Try to fight off this feeling like poison breath
Wake up in a cold sweat wearing a bloody white uniform
Sleep with an axe beneath their bed just to keep it warm
And use dead blue skin as their baby blanket
Serial killer flunkies can’t even fake it

Everyone’s a killa now days
Like that cool to-go lez phase
Tell me where did high school end
And when did real life begin

It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy
And I’m thinkin’ maybe

I wanna kill someone!

Billy killed Judy
And Becky stabbed John
Jenny shot Bobby
While Suzy killed Paul
Johnny slashed Vicky
While Jimmy cut Drew
Stevie killed Nikki
And I took the fall

It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy
And I’m thinkin’ maybe
It’s all gettin’ hazy
I feel a little crazy

Small town killaz!
I massacre the guitar but make beautiful music in the process. Grunge lives through me!