#1
It had been kicked and hit with shit and it
fell down in front of me.
I've never seen a cat that would lick your face.
You gotta earn a cat's respect.
Two neighbor fuck's picked it
up by it's a neck and threw over a dog's fence.
This never ends.

"You guys are sick, stop this."
But he came out like some giant
rolling off his matress and smelled a good day.
Limping, the cat tried to scale the walls
with three good limbs left unscathed.
The fuck's gathered to watch
and so did the mailman.
"You guys, stop, this is terrible."
This never ends.

I thought "No, it's better this way."
McMullen would of ran over it with a lawnmower.
O' Hara would've thrown it in the river.
The best thing for this cat upon entering this
neighborhood would've been to offer itself
to the first sacks of shit punks to not even
know how to pick a fight to be the ones to
kill it.
There are far worse things.
This never ends.

"Please guys, stop. God is good!"
It was over in minutes.
Fuck #2 says,
"Well, we're trying to keep God out of Ohio."
Every excrementous fleating burst of happy
to my head leaves just as soon as it has taken
off it's shoes.
This never ends, this never ends.
Poor advice.
#2
hm, my problem with it is how u named people "****s" "****#2"
idk, it just didnt seem to fit to me. i also had a hard time telling who was talking in the italicized text, whether it was **** 1, ****2, or the story teller.it its well written, and i like it. not sure if its about a cat, or if its meant to have a deeper thought to it.


sorry for the lame crit, u dont have to bother criting back.
#5
sorry dont have much time right now to think about this one (IM LATE!)
but maybe later

one thing though- I love that last stanza!!!! "Well we're trying to keep God out of Ohio" is brilliant to me


aah;glahe;lg g2g!!
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#7
It had been kicked and hit with shit and it
fell down in front of me.
I've never seen a cat that would lick your face.
You gotta earn a cat's respect.
Two neighbor fuck's picked it
up by it's a neck and threw over a dog's fence.
This never ends.

As ragglefraggle said, the "fucks" and "fuck #2 seemed kindof unnecessary.

"You guys are sick, stop this."
But he came out like some giant
rolling off his matress and smelled a good day.
Limping, the cat tried to scale the walls
with three good limbs left unscathed.
The fuck's gathered to watch
and so did the mailman.
"You guys, stop, this is terrible."
This never ends.

The flow here is fantastic. I like the imagery, too.

I thought "No, it's better this way."
McMullen would of ran over it with a lawnmower.
O' Hara would've thrown it in the river.
The best thing for this cat upon entering this
neighborhood would've been to offer itself
to the first sacks of shit punks to not even
know how to pick a fight to be the ones to
kill it.
There are far worse things.
This never ends.

I don't really have anything constructive to say about this stanza.

"Please guys, stop. God is good!"
It was over in minutes.
Fuck #2 says,
"Well, we're trying to keep God out of Ohio."
Every excrementous fleating burst of happy
to my head leaves just as soon as it has taken
off it's shoes.
This never ends, this never ends.

"Every excrementous fleating burst of happy
to my head leaves just as soon as it has taken
off it's shoes." By far my favorite part.

Good story telling.
Wade in the water, child.
#8
^Thanks.

The fucks place an emphasis on where am I now and who I was then, in my own way.
Poor advice.
#9
The naming of the "fucks" is very appropriate. I don't see how anyone could think it isn't.


I've been through this poem,


but it wasn't a cat.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#10
It had been kicked and hit with shit and it
fell down in front of me.
I've never seen a cat that would lick your face.
You gotta earn a cat's respect.
Two neighbor fuck's picked it
up by its neck and threw over a dog's fence.
This never ends.

Was this typed quickly? I see a lot of typos, but other than that, I like the first stanza. (Maybe they're intentional, but I've corrected them and underlined where they werethrough the piece)

"You guys are sick, stop this."
But he came out like some giant
rolling off his mattress and smelled a good day.

This sentence seems a bit confusing.

Limping, the cat tried to scale the walls
with three good limbs left unscathed.

Good limbs left unscathed seems redundant to me.

The fucks gathered to watch
and so did the mailman.
"You guys, stop, this is terrible."
This never ends.

This part was great.


I thought "No, it's better this way."
McMullen would have ran over it with a lawnmower.
O' Hara would've thrown it in the river.
The best thing for this cat upon entering this
neighborhood would've been to offer itself
to the first sacks of shit punks to not even
know how to pick a fight to be the ones to
kill it.

A bit confusing, but it could be okay; really up to you.

There are far worse things.
This never ends.

I think the "There are far worse things" line could've flowed better before "The best thing..."


"Please guys, stop. God is good!"
It was over in minutes.
Fuck #2 says,
"Well, we're trying to keep God out of Ohio."
Every excrementous fleeting burst of happy
to my head leaves just as soon as it has taken
off it's shoes.
This never ends, this never ends.

Last stanza looks good.

All in all, another brilliant piece. I've never felt brave enough to even try to crit one of your pieces before, since your skill level is much higher than mine, so my apologies if it's not the best. I tried =D My piece is in my sig, if you don't crit it it's ok but I'd appreciate it.
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#11
^^ culex-night,

why are you always putting people down, man? if someone doesn't think that naming the "f**ks" is appropriate and you disagree, just state that you believe otherwise and explain yourself, don't rub their face in it. "I don't see how anyone could think it isn't" <-- that is completely unnecessary and, to put it quite simply, it's arrogant, elitist bulls***.

If you wish to write pompous comments, at least give a quality explanation...
#12
Hey stellar. Thanks for the crit on my unicorn one. It wasn't a serious piece in any way, and I realize that the structure is elementary at best. Just having some fun. Thanks though.

I like this piece a lot. I know on an intimate level where you're coming from. My only problems with it are very little and just grammar related.

McMullen would have ran over it with a lawnmower.//I should think it'd be 'run', not ran.

Actually, I think that's it, haha. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. It's good though man. I liked it a lot.
#13
I agree with culex, I found the naming of the fucks appropriate.

I particularly liked the third section with the hypothetical alternate endings, and the repetition of 'this never ends'.

I don't have much else to say though, except that it rings of Charles Bukowski (who I adore).