#1
Hi, this one of my first atempts of properly writing songs lyrics, crit for crit

But now I’m walking out the door, people shouting in the streets
But they don’t know what it feels like, to feel like this
I’m saying my last goodbyes to you, but you’re staring mystified at me
Oblivious to what is happening, with us, and this is why I’m leaving you

Do you think nothing is wrong, or are you just pretending?
Were hitting the rocks in our bond and slowly sinking
But you’re still starring blankly, whispering gently
“It’s just a small misty breeze, over a relationship that’s going to be never ending”
Were getting colder and colder the longer this lasts...

But now I’m walking out the door, people shouting in the streets
But they don’t know what it feels like, to feel like this
I’m saying my last goodbyes to you, but you’re staring mystified
Oblivious to what is happening…with us, and this is why I’m leaving you

I’m determined to make this work I won’t let this chance pass by
But every time we speak, anger builds up, it divides us in two
Splitting us at the heart, but angers never true
Why can’t you see this, It’s just seems all perfect for you
A relationship with no problems, just another thing what’s not true
Blanking out the anger of the average world
Nothing seems wrong behind those deceitful eyes of pearl

But now I’m holding onto you tightly
Starring into those eyes of pearl
This will last forever, anger splits us in two
But only brings us back together closer
In the end

So now I’m holding onto your photograph
On my way back to you, anxious smile on my face
My hands are trembling with joy of meeting you again
Your pictures in my mind, thinking what you would say
When you found me back at home, begging to be with you
And now I’m driving down our road, my whole body trembling
My heart throbbing at the thought of being back with you again

Quite knocks on the door, peeking nervously through the glass
But you’re not their, my heart sinks onto the floor
Dragging it back to the car with me, my chance has gone by
But I have got no one else to blame, other then myself

I used to picture me holding onto to you tightly
Starring into those eyes of pearl
This could of lasted forever, but I split us in two
Driving you away from me, never getting closer just further apart
Your never know what you were worth to me
Now this is the end of us, because of me
Last edited by addictedtogitar at Mar 4, 2007,
#2
Hey addicted! This is a really good song, especially for your first attempt. I like the way you started your song with the chorus. I think it is very effective. I like how this song is somewhat poetic lyrically, and i'd like to hear the music to get a feel for the sound. Is this meant to be pop/rock, emo, rnb, punk? I also loved these lines...

Do you think nothing is wrong, or are you just pretending?
Were hitting the rocks in our bond and slowly sinking

If there is anyway you could record music for this, just like an acoustic or something, that would be sweet because this is really good. Keep it Up!

Anthony
#3
its raw(yet well spoken) and powerful.

knowing this situation, it just makes it better because its all true.
#5
nice man

i can tell these are written from personal experience...or partly I like it because it seems to flow quite freely
#7
there not actually wrote that much from personal experience, but it seems to happen to everyone at sum point
#8
Quote by addictedtogitar
Hi, this one of my first atempts of properly writing songs lyrics, crit for crit

But now I’m walking out the door, people shouting in the streets
But they don’t know what it feels like, to feel like this
I’m saying my last goodbyes to you, but you’re staring mystified at me
Oblivious to what is happening, with us, and this is why I’m leaving you
this is good, an over use of but, other than that good, it makes me feel like im listening to a verse of looking through the glass by stone sour


Do you think nothing is wrong, or are you just pretending?
Were hitting the rocks in our bond and slowly sinking
But you’re still starring blankly, whispering gently
“It’s just a small misty breeze, over a relationship that’s going to be never ending”
Were getting colder and colder the longer this lasts...
this is realy good!!, nothing wrong with this


But now I’m walking out the door, people shouting in the streets
But they don’t know what it feels like, to feel like this
I’m saying my last goodbyes to you, but you’re staring mystified
Oblivious to what is happening…with us, and this is why I’m leaving you
again, overuse of but


I’m determined to make this work I won’t let this chance pass by
But every time we speak, anger builds up, it divides us in two
Splitting us at the heart, but angers never true
Why can’t you see this, It’s just seems all perfect for you
A relationship with no problems, just another thing what’s not true
Blanking out the anger of the average world
Nothing seems wrong behind those deceitful eyes of pearl
good except the first couple lines didnt realy flow, maybe some transition words, go to a thesaurus and look up but so you dont have to keeep useing it over again


But now I’m holding onto you tightly
Starring into those eyes of pearl
This will last forever, anger splits us in two
But only brings us back together closer
In the end
i thikn this should be the bridge
So now I’m holding onto your photograph
On my way back to you, anxious smile on my face
My hands are trembling with joy of meeting you again
Your pictures in my mind, thinking what you would say
When you found me back at home, begging to be with you
And now I’m driving down our road, my whole body trembling
My heart throbbing at the thought of being back with you again
use a thesaurus for another word for again

Quite knocks on the door, peeking nervously through the glass
But you’re not their, my heart sinks onto the floor
Dragging it back to the car with me, my chance has gone by
But I have got no one else to blame, other then myself
too many comma's its gonna be hard to sing it with that many pauses

I used to picture me holding onto to you tightly
Starring into those eyes of pearl
This could of lasted forever, but I split us in two
Driving you away from me, never getting closer just further apart
Your never know what you were worth to me
Now this is the end of us, because of me
i like this ending but in the 5th line your never know, it should be you will never know




overall good just a little bit too many comma's


Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=544519
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