#1
hi everybody, i kinda just wrote it ots(hehe, now i know wat it means) but yea kinda still following new style,short and simple. leave links if u want to be crited back, and constructive crits ONLY! u can say it sucks, but in a constructive way.thank u.
EDIT: this has been edited alot, check back if u have already crited it.

My thoughts
all passively whisper,
in assonant voices,
your long omitted name.
As they resonate in my ears,
my eyes pencil in details
of your suppressed face.
They are 2-d,shallow, like you;
forming a silhouette
falling into the crest
where you used to remain,
dreaming, so near to me.
So near, i could almost taste
the cherry scent of your lips


any ideas for a title are welcomed. thanks
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Mar 6, 2007,
#2
my thoughts
all passively whisper,
in a assonance tone, - should be "an assonant"
your long omitted name
as they pencil in details
of your forgotten face. - like these two lines... nice.
All forming a silhouette
falling into the crest
where you used to remain,
laying so near to me.
so near...
so near i could almost taste - think it should be "so near that i..."
the cherry scent of your lips - usually wouldnt use "taste" when talking about a scent... but technically i guess its right.

i thought this was pretty good... especially for OTS (congrats on learning what that means) ... i've been following your stuff and i like the style you use... this one has some good ideas... nice job.

i've got a new one up thats not in my sig yet... wouldnt mind your opinion... thanks.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Mar 3, 2007,
#3
thank u bassbeat, didnt realize it should be assonant, i changed that, i added a comma to the so near part u pointed out, hopefully that helps, and i meant for it to be taste/scent because it is possible, a smell is so close to you, u can practically taste it, and in some cases u can.thx again, i will get to urs.
#4
Quote by ragglefraggle
hi everybody, i kinda just wrote it ots(hehe, now i know wat it means) but yea kinda still following new style,short and simple. leave links if u want to be crited back, and constructive crits ONLY! u can say it sucks, but in a constructive way.thank u.


my thoughts
all passively whisper,
in a assonant tone,
your long omitted name
as they pencil in details
of your forgotten face.

That 'forgotten face' line seemed kinda cliche. Maybe you should try to replace it with something else.

All forming a silhouette
falling into the crest
where you used to remain,
laying so near to me.
so near...
so near, i could almost taste
the cherry scent of your lips.

I think that the fifth line here should be taken out

any ideas for a title are welcomed. thanks

Other than those two flaws I pointed out, this is pretty good.
Wade in the water, child.
#5
Good work, dude.

For a title, how about, "Not forgotten"?

If you don't like it, that's cool. But it's just a suggestion.
The.
#7
^ i don't think that comment was appropriate. mostly because it had no place in this conversation, and another reason is that the bad-mouthing something_vague period ended.

raggle, i'll take a look at this in a bit.
#8
i see how you arer talking about how you feel when someone else looks at someone you love in an inhuman manner, such as taking details on the forgotten face. You realize that your memories are all you have left of this person who you loved and is gone and you dont want to let go of those memories.
#9
my thoughts
all passively whisper,
in a assonant tone,
Use some assonance then. Perfect opporunity to show more mature writing would be to use some assonance. Do it. Don't miss out. That's what'll take you to the next level.
your long omitted name
as they pencil in details
of your forgotten face.
Too much here. You've gone from thoughts whispering to thoughts penciling details. Although these last two lines are nice (thought forgotten can be improved imo) for an opening sentence it's too much. Make sure you keep openers full of impact and meaning, otherwise it'll drift off into mediocreness and stumbling aorund for ideas. Strong openings are the best.
All forming a silhouette
falling into the crest
where you used to remain,
laying so near to me.
I dislike the use of laying here, you could make this image so much stronger with something more original, even if it does describe the exact moment. Say what you were doing other than laying, sleeping, looking at stars etc, so much more meaningful than just laying. Again I'm wondering- what is forming silhouettes? Still the whispering, doodling thoughts? You need to be clear in your ideas here, and show what it is you're describing.
so near, i could almost taste
the cherry scent of your lips.
Nice image, I dislike the repeat of so near though. However this ending kind of lacks the deep thoughts I was expecting, I thought there would be some layers to this and then It just ends with this lovey dovey ending. If you're going to do that, then you need to step up the rest of the piece, make ideas clearer and use things like assonance when you say assonance etc.

In my sig, if you could. Cheers.
#10
Quote by Jammydude44
Use some assonance then. Perfect opporunity to show more mature writing would be to use some assonance. Do it. Don't miss out. That's what'll take you to the next level.


ok im not understanding wat ur saying here, u want me to change assonant to assonance? could u clarify please?
#11
you said assonant, so use some assonance.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assonance

just incase you're not familiar with it, though your probably are- use some. It would just add another layer if you used some assonance when you're talking about an assonant tone.

Also, it should be an assonant, not a assonant.
#12
I'm not good at the whole critting thing but i'll give it a go.

well lets just start by saying it better than most of the stuff that i post on this thing, but hey we cant all be great.
i like the the part about the 2-d shallow, like you

nice
#13
It looks good man, but what's the melody like? As you know I tend to rhyme alot because it seems to break the song up and flow more but that's just me, this seems more like a poem of sorts or something like The Mars Volta would do. You do use off beat rhymes though I like the detail with penicl line and forgotten face lines very creative.
www.myspace.com/thestalkingbutlers

Holy Knight of the Crusading Order of the Stratocaster.

Gear:
MIA Fender Stratocaster
MIA Fender Telecaster
MI? Fender TC-90

Fender Hot Rod Deville
Blackstar HT5, HT40

various pedals
#15
do you mean dam as in like something a beaver builds? It kinda threw me off and took me out of the feel abit I think it sounds better without the dam part but just the word.
www.myspace.com/thestalkingbutlers

Holy Knight of the Crusading Order of the Stratocaster.

Gear:
MIA Fender Stratocaster
MIA Fender Telecaster
MI? Fender TC-90

Fender Hot Rod Deville
Blackstar HT5, HT40

various pedals
#16
Quote by ragglefraggle

My thoughts
all passively whisper,

Didn't like how this was phrased.

in an assonant tone,
your long omitted name.

Once again didn't really like how this was phrased. I think you could have written these first four lines better. I don't like how you said that the whispers were passive and had an assonant tone, that seems... akward to me. Also I don't really see how a tone could be assonant. I didn't really like "long omitted either"...

As they resonate in my ears,
my eyes pencil in details

I think you could come up with a better metaphor than eyes penciling in, it's just a little cliche. Plus the close proximity of two my's was awkward, and bothered me.

of your damn suppressed face.

Don't really like "damn suppressed"

They are 2-d,shallow, like you;
forming a silhouette

I see the metaphor, but don't really see what it's for. Also, I am unsure as to whether or not a 2D figure could have a silhouette. I believe it takes 3 dimensions for that. Then again it is a metaphor...

falling into the crest
where you used to remain,
dreaming, so near to me.
So near, i could almost taste
the lies resting on your lips.

Kind of cliche ending, tasting lies on lips? Couldn't you think of a better way of phrasing that.


*This is all my opinion regard or disregard at your own discretion.*

Sorry if I come off as an asshole in this post, but I'm just stating my thoughts...

I remember reading some of your other stuff, and I think you are improving. But, I get the feeling you are trying to be something you're not. That might just be me though. I don't mean that as an insult or anything, just stating what I think. This might be a natural progression, but no matter what I feel that you are getting better.

If you could crit mine I'd be grateful. It should be on the first page... "DiamondRaindrops."

keep writing.

Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#17
Quote by alk
I remember reading some of your other stuff, and I think you are improving. But, I get the feeling you are trying to be something you're not. That might just be me though. I don't mean that as an insult or anything, just stating what I think. This might be a natural progression, but no matter what I feel that you are getting better.


that echoes my exact thoughts, actually. You went from a beginner songwriter (where everything you write sucks, because all beginners do) into these short poems, where like alk said a lot of the phrasing was clumsy, as though you were trying to force it out.

Again, like alk, no offense, but I agree that it does feel like you're forcing yourself to write like this because you've seen how others on this forum write. It happened to me, and I began disliking what I wrote, and it was blocking me from what I really wanted to write. So I stepped back over xmas, looked at my writing, and decided I was only going to write exactly how I wanted to, and not caving in to every suggestion made on a forum.

Just sayin...
#18
im not forcing my self to write in a certain style, i used to when i started out, writing only things that i thought the band 'avenged sevenfold' would sing, then i broke away from that, and discovered i like writing short and strong poems, with lots of metaphors.its just the style that i like alot, and i feel i write best in.before i was writing long songs, that yea they sucked, because i was trying to stretch one idea over many verses, and i hated doing that, but i made myself do it to write something.another reason why i like using lots of metaphors is i feel its the only way for me to completley describe the feeling im trying to pass on,and take the reader on a wild ride as they read it. lol sorry for the long explanation, and thank you for ur opinion.