#1
My newest song, I'm looking for criticism. Crit4Crit of course.
Thanks

Born of thunder and man,
Horrors since he was a child.
Forced to raise cattle a task mild.
Faced with a crossroads,
One of virtue and one of pleasure.
As a hero of old, one with a plan,
Thoughts of honor, no life of leisure

Heroes of faith, art, and all,
They have come to show us the way.
We must be taken to the golden hall,
Unmask the road, the road of Virtue,
But if you stray, your soul will erode.

Oh, Johnny Allen, guitar hero of rock,
Lived as a Starlighter and Squire.
Broke the bounds, a guitar set on fire,
A man experienced and bold as love.
An album of true blues at the ladyland,
Peak of life and love was for him Woodstock.
Death to shock, once greatly said, “Castles made of sand…”

Heroes of faith, art, and all,
They have come to show us the way.
We must be taken to the golden hall,
Unmask the road, the road of Virtue,
But if you stray, your soul will erode.

The king from Nazareth, the Anointed One,
Baptized as the one savior of man.
A faith in one, a father he began,
Tempted by thrice by sin, refused for glory.
Various miracles made, all are healed,
Supper at night; nails as the rise of the sun.
After three days of death, our fate was sealed.

Heroes of faith, art, and all,
They have come to show us the way.
We must be taken to the golden hall,
Unmask the road, the road of Virtue,
But if you stray, your soul will erode.
Hero, decide the future of all,
So that one day your life will be cliché.
Unmask the road, the road of Virtue,
But if you stray, your soul will erode.
Last edited by Ramblin'_Man at Mar 6, 2007,
#3
It seems rather detatched in some areas. I think there needs to be better transitions. I think you have wonderful ideas with this song, just needs a little better structural format. Other than that I feel you have a pretty decent work here.

Good work, just think about finding a way to connect the ideas better.
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#4
good text, but i don't get the nazareth part..
i assume the song is about the guitarist, but why jezus all of a sudden?
#8
I don't really think that the lyric about cliches is a good idea. It's not bad, but its slightly rambling and ambiguous.

Also, some of the lyrics need re-arranging, like "a task mild" or "guitar hero of rock".
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#9
Born of thunder and man,
Horrors since he was a child.
Forced to raise cattle a task mild.
Faced with a crossroads,
One of virtue and one of pleasure.
As a hero of old, one with a plan,
Thoughts of honor, no life of leisure

well flipping the words just to make it rhyme doesnt work very well here. maybe just flip them back around and let it not rhyme...

Heroes of faith, art, and all,
They have come to show us the way.
We must be taken to the golden hall,
Unmask the road, the road of Virtue,
But if you stray, your soul will erode.

rhyme feels slightly forced . but it works fine here

Oh, Johnny Allen, guitar hero of rock,
Lived as a Starlighter and Squire.
Broke the bounds, a guitar set on fire,
A man experienced and bold as love.
An album of true blues at the ladyland,
Peak of life and love was for him Woodstock.
Death to shock, once greatly said, “Castles made of sand…”

i dont like the second to last line . i think it should be "and love for him was Woodstock" and death to shock just seems like a random phrase thrown in there.

Heroes of faith, art, and all,
They have come to show us the way.
We must be taken to the golden hall,
Unmask the road, the road of Virtue,
But if you stray, your soul will erode.

The king from Nazareth, the Anointed One,
Baptized as the one savior of man.
A faith in one, a father he began,
Tempted by thrice by sin, refused for glory.
Various miracles made, all are healed,
Supper at night; nails as the rise of the sun.
After three days of death, our fate was sealed.

i dont see this fitting in to the rest of the song . maybe im just missing it ?

Heroes of faith, art, and all,
They have come to show us the way.
We must be taken to the golden hall,
Unmask the road, the road of Virtue,
But if you stray, your soul will erode.
Hero, decide the future of all,
So that one day your life will be cliché.
Unmask the road, the road of Virtue,
But if you stray, your soul will erode.


i like this and i think it has alot of potential . just some minor things to fix up . could you crit mine . https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=545148 . thanks bro
#11
hey, i haven't looked at this song for a while and thought about connecting it better if some people don't get it. how do you like this?

Born of thunder and man,
Horrors since he was a child.
Forced to raise cattle a task too mild.
Faced with a crossroads,
One of virtue and one of pleasure.
As a hero of old, one with a plan,
Thoughts of honor, no life of leisure

Heroes of faith, art, and all,
They have come to show us the way.
We must be taken to the golden hall,
Unmask the road, the road of Virtue,
But if you stray, your soul will erode.

Fight the good fight and do not yield. echoes: fight
If you stand tall and never surrender, echoes: never
Your heart will have all splendors. echoes: splendors
For you are the people’s shield. echoes: you

Oh, Johnny Allen, guitar hero of rock,
Lived as a Starlighter and Squire.
Broke the bounds, a guitar set on fire,
A man experienced and bold as love.
An album of true blues at the ladyland,
Peak of life and love for him was Woodstock.
Death to shock, once greatly said, “Castles made of sand…”

Heroes of faith, art, and all,
They have come to show us the way.
We must be taken to the golden hall,
Unmask the road, the road of Virtue,
But if you stray, your soul will erode.

Fight the good fight and do not yield. echoes: fight
If you stand tall and never surrender, echoes:never
Your heart will have all splendors. echoes:splendors
For you are the people’s shield. echoes:you

The king from Nazareth, the Anointed One,
Baptized as the one savior of man.
A faith in one, a father he began,
Tempted by thrice by sin, refused for glory.
Various miracles made, all are healed,
Supper at night; nails as the rise of the sun.
After three days of death, our fate was sealed.

Heroes of faith, art, and all,
They have come to show us the way.
We must be taken to the golden hall,
Unmask the road, the road of Virtue,
But if you stray, your soul will erode.
Hero, decide the future of all,
So that one day your life will be cliché.
Unmask the road, the road of Virtue,
But if you stray, your soul will erode.

thanks again.