#1
I'm proud of this one. Crit for crit.

Meeting People Is Easy.

I'm falling out in a mushroom cloud of electronics.
Mechanical birds are singing like ambulances.
It's the people who sleep in trunks of stolen cars,
And sell headache medicine in bars
That need your sympathy.
It's the friend who tape-records the conversation
And drinks acetic acids, who licks nauseous sores and doesn't
Chip off the ice, trying not to offset the riot.

I want to know if confusion is sex.
I want to hitchhike in crooked rain.
Wade in the water, child.
#2
'm falling out in a mushroom cloud of electronics.nice imagery
Mechanical birds are singing like ambulances.dam,even more good imagery
It's the people who sleep in trunks of stolen cars,
And sell headache medicine in barsthese 2 lines arnt as good as ur first 2, and the rhyme seems to simple
That need your sympathy.
It's the friend who tape-records the conversation
And drinks acetic acids, who licks nauseous sores and doesn'tthis line, on reading it i was confused, and had to go back and read it several times to understand wat it was saying. mabe put the second half into a new line to make it easier to understand
Chip off the ice, trying not to offset the riot.

I want to know if confusion is sex.
I want to hitchhike in crooked rain.


very nice job, i liked ur imagery,and my favorite lines were ur first 2, they seemed the most descriptive, and really hooked me in, the rest of it not so much, but still good.

if u could do a quick crit on 'untitled' in my sig, i'd be happy
#3
i give it two thumbs up, actually i was hoping it would be longer.
"Member of The Allman Brothers Band > Masturbation Club - PM TheHeartbreaker to Join"

v for vendetta kicked much ass!!!
#4
Hmmm, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that you're trying to take my place ever since I've mellowed out.


Alot of this is very Blood Brothers-ish. Very Blood Brother-ish actually. Especially the ambulance line.

What you have going for you (and what I've noticed of your work) is that you cram many bizzare ideals into short pieces. In fact, I've never really seen you do anything longer than this.

Take this from someone who's made a name for himself with this kinda style - Manic mad-cap brilliance still requires a heart and soul, and for some reason I think this lacks that.
Poor advice.
#5
Quote by stellar_legs
Hmmm, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that you're trying to take my place ever since I've mellowed out.

Damn. I'm trying my best not to. In fact, I revised this drastically from the first draft, because I thought it was too stellar_legs. Don't get me wrong, you're a fantastic writer.
Wade in the water, child.
#6
Quote by AWA
Damn. I'm trying my best not to. In fact, I revised this drastically from the first draft, because I thought it was too stellar_legs. Don't get me wrong, you're a fantastic writer.


Haha, I was just kidding.


But hell, within time someone might have to take my throne. I'm getting soft in my old age.....But still very bitter towards everything.
Poor advice.
#7
Quote by AWA
I'm proud of this one. Crit for crit.

Meeting People Is Easy.

I'm falling out in a mushroom cloud of electronics.
Mechanical birds are singing like ambulances.
It's the people who sleep in trunks of stolen cars,
And sell headache medicine in bars
That need your sympathy.
It's the friend who tape-records the conversation
And drinks acetic acids, who licks nauseous sores and doesn't
Chip off the ice, trying not to offset the riot.

I want to know if confusion is sex.
I want to hitchhike in crooked rain.


Very powerful metaphors, and cool imagery. Confusing as far as getting the message across but maybe I'm just not intellectual enough to comprehend the message. "It's the people who sleep in stolen cars/ And sell headache medicine in bars" was probably my favorite line although I think it's rythym is off a little bit but I don't know how it's sung (or spoken) so maybe that's just me. Honestly not much you can improve on here it's a damn good piece.

I'm critting this because you critted a piece of mine a while back and I never noticed that it had been bumped so anyway sorry for not getting back to you sooner and thanks for the crit.