#1
Weird story. This is more of my random side. C4C. It's not that great, especially the last stanza.



DiamondRaindrops

we're sleeping on tables
'cuz our beds
have been left empty again,
wouldn't want to rustle
the shallow feathers we
sleep beneath anyways.
it's just, when diamonds,
mined from clouds,
fall into outstretched palms,
fishing for love
is so much easier,
but we've been in a recession.
smoking lungs dry
billowing ash into the skyline,
and it turned
the darkest shade of black
I have ever seen.
blotting out any
precipitation that could possibly
wish to wither on our desert floor,
so we dressed
for the best
in leopardskin ties
and turtleneck suits
and all stood around
struck with grey eyes.
scanning for clouds,
and reasons to break down,
as we trace the outline
and drunkenly brawl
in the hopes
of arrogant rain.

though, as I run my gaze
across a cracked watch
with hands pointed to
12 and 2, respectively,
I glimpse the reflection of a cloud.
yet, these aren't the times
for folly recollections
or flawed mindsets.
So I just cringe
and continue to dance.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Mar 4, 2007,
#2
I liked it a lot especially the first part. You used emotion and imagination, and great adjectives. And it can be interpreted by many people in many different ways. The ending was not bad at all. Some of it seems a little forced, butn ot bad and with music who knows. keep up the good work.
#4
we're sleeping on tables
'cuz our beds
have been left empty once again,
eh, needs better flow.
we wouldn't want to rustle
the shallow feathers we
sleep beneath anyways.
Nice image here, though the first line is kind of stumbly.
it's just, when diamonds
fall from the sky,
You know this is a totally cliche phrase, using diamonds + falling. I think you can do something more original, even if you were being cliche "ironically" I think you can do better by yourself.
fishing is so much easier,
but we've been in a recession.
I don't see much of a link between diamonds/fishes. I think you need to make this image more cohesive.
smoking lungs dry
I dislike this.
billowing ash into the skyline,
Repeat of sky for me is awkward.
and it turned
the darkest shade of black
I have ever seen.
blotting out any
precipitation that could possibly
wish to wither on our desert floor,
Now this is good. Very nice image and execution imo
so we dressed
for the best
in leopardskin ties
and turtleneck suits
and all stood around
intent with grey eyes.
Last line I don't like the wording. "intent with grey eyes", I don't like the image of standing around intently. I think you should change it up so that the eyes show intent, not the standing around.
scanning for clouds,
and reasons to break down
and cry, as we trace the outline
Cry seems pathetic here, I recommend a change.
and drunkenly brawl
in hopes of rain.
I think this needs to flo wbetter into the second stanza.

though as I run my gaze
across a cracked watch
with hands pointed to
12 and 2, respectively
I glimpse the reflection of a cloud
one that resembles
a girl, who broke my heart.
all the diamonds in the world
could never fix that.
This ending could have been so much better if you weren't using cliche ideas. I'm sure you used them on purpose but imo it doesn't work, I just think if you were to put any kind of spin on those cliches it would be a far better piece overall.

in my sig if you could, alk. Cheers
#5
we're sleeping on tables
'cuz our beds
have been left empty again,
wouldn't want to rustle
the shallow feathers we
sleep beneath anyways.
good start, but without a word infront of wouldn't, it sounds a bit awkward at first

it's just, when diamonds,
mined from clouds,
fall into outsretched palms,
fishing for love
is so much easier,
but we've been in a recession.
this part sounds a bit weird to me, i had to reread it many times to get what u were saying.

smoking lungs dry
billowing ash into the skyline,
and it turned
the darkest shade of black
I have ever seen.
blotting out any
precipitation that could possibly
wish to wither on our desert floor,
so we dressed
for the best
in leopardskin ties
and turtleneck suits
and all stood around
struck with grey eyes.
ok, not bad. but i dont see why leopardskin ties. is there some reason, or just cuz u feel like it?

scanning for clouds,
and reasons to break down,
as we trace the outlinei think with how u have it, it would sound better and work better without 'as' here
and drunkenly brawl
in the hopes
of arrogant rain.

though as I run my gaze
across a cracked watch
with hands pointed to
12 and 2, respectively
I glimpse the reflection of a cloud
yet, these aren't the times
for folly recollections
or flawed mindsets.
So I just cringe
and continue to dance.
i dont see how dancing comes into this either


nice job i must say, but some points it the descriptions seemed to long, like run on sentences, altho good details, seemd to run on a bit. thx for the crit on mine
#6
Quote by Alk 3 addict
Weird story. This is more of my random side. C4C. It's not that great, especially the last stanza.



DiamondRaindrops

we're sleeping on tables
'cuz our beds
have been left empty again,
wouldn't want to rustle
the shallow feathers we
sleep beneath anyways.
i don't like the vernacular. 'cuz our bed' and 'the shallow feathers we sleep beneath', those two phrases lead me to question why there is such uneven-ness in your diction.
it's just, when diamonds,
mined from clouds,
i like this idea. i think that mined could be replaced so that it is executed better.
fall into outsretched palms,
outstretched*
fishing for love
is so much easier,
eh.
but we've been in a recession.
smoking lungs dry
billowing ash into the skyline,
and it turned
the darkest shade of black
I have ever seen.
great five lines.
blotting out any
precipitation that could possibly
wish to wither on our desert floor,
here i can understand the use of wither as you've successfully transferred. i'm not so much of a fan of stretching out full sentences in a piece like this - the flow is choppy (like raindrops) and thus having a sentence (or phrase) stretched out this much makes it quite awkward.
so we dressed
for the best
in leopardskin ties
and turtleneck suits
and all stood around
struck with grey eyes.
i think grey could be described. you say leopardskin ties and turtleneck suits, so i somewhat expect a description there.
scanning for clouds,
and reasons to break down,
as we trace the outline
and drunkenly brawl
in the hopes
of arrogant rain.
i'll note immediately that i absolutely hate this flow. its a personal preference, but i prefer more substance at a time. i do see your parallels between these lines and raindrops, but regardless, it bothers me to no end to read this.

though as I run my gaze
awkward phrasing, use some punctuation. i'd say put a comma after (al)though and line break right there.
across a cracked watch
with hands pointed to
12 and 2, respectively
I glimpse the reflection of a cloud
yet, these aren't the times
for folly recollections
or flawed mindsets.
So I just cringe
and continue to dance.
intriguing ending.


sorry to be harsh in places. i did love those five lines with recession though. thanks for the crit on my piece.
#7
Thanks all you guys. Most crits I've gotten in a while...

Ragglefraggle: i think leopardskin is kind of tacky, that's why, and the dancing is kind of alluding to dancing for rain. and no problem.
Punch: you weren't harsh, but even if you were I prefer the truth to white lies. and no problem, I didn't really give a good enough crit to warrant one on this, so thanks.

I'm not expecting anymore on this, so I'll let it die. (not worth keeping alive anyway)
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#8
I think this is one of the best things i've read from you, yet I didn't really like the format. That was my only major complaint.
#9
reading it, the sound in my head stutters, mumbling through the alliterations and the excess syllables that are like shoelaces left in an escalator for just a second too long - but reading it aloud, jumping about, places those extra sylLAAbles where they belong, inbetween the remnants of the word they're complicating - it's just a little bit better. Reading it aloud clears up many inconsistencies that your eyes catch as wrong doings, but like those same inconsistencies in sit-coms you'll never complain about, they're all the more endearing.