#1
here's my latest, tell me what you think. There is a large ammount of solos in this song, it basically is kind of like a song with a good 2 minutes worth of solos (no it is not power metal). I just put where the different instrumental moments are for sake of song format.

Blah blah blah enjoy.
c4c

"Dreams Of Exodus"

I have dreamt of my end
Clenching tight my regrets
Saphire lace around my neck
Aspirations dangling on a thread

Falling deeper
Into my slumber

A marvelous reprise
The gift for all who've sacrificed
In the end we'll die in vain
Solely breathing to stop the pain

I will nail down my heart
To the platinum veil we shared
Ruby failures pour from my soul
Despirations lead to decay

Starting to dorwn
Bury me in hallow ground

A marvelous reprise
The gift for all who've sacrificed
In the end we'll die in vain
Solely breathing to stop the pain

[Piano/Guitar Interlude]
Underneath:
Only breathing to stop the pain
Feasting on the heatless shame of
Only breathing to stop the pain
Feasting on the heartless shame

[Solo: Josh/Mike/ Bass Solo: Derek/ Solo: Mike/Josh/ Duet: Josh+Mike/ Bass Solo: Derek/ Finale Solo: Josh]

A marvelous reprise
The gift for all who've sacrificed
In the end we'll die in vain
Solely breathing to stop the pain
Selfish ground inhales
The spirit of the grandeur failure
Hopless plea to stop the pain
Feasting on my heartless shame.
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
Last edited by NoSoupForDeath at Mar 3, 2007,
#2
it's been a few days and still no comments I'd really like for a few crits.
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
#3
wow that was pretty good but you could just call a few of the stanzas the chorus or something

but ya that was really good i liked it for the most part
uh...ya
#4
Wow. I can really feel that. Am I right in guessing that this is the chorus?

A marvelous reprise
The gift for all who've sacrificed
In the end we'll die in vain
Solely breathing to stop the pain


I think it works really well. The end is very good, the way you repeat the chorus and then add on extra. Perhaps repeat the last two lines of the chorus again as well? That would work, I think.

Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=539517
#5
I like this it's very good. I like the chorus it fits well, and the end is nice I agree w/ The Shadow though that if you added the last two lines of the chorus it would be better.

mine if you want to crit: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=537462
#6
Quote by NoSoupForDeath
here's my latest, tell me what you think. There is a large ammount of solos in this song, it basically is kind of like a song with a good 2 minutes worth of solos (no it is not power metal). I just put where the different instrumental moments are for sake of song format.

Blah blah blah enjoy.
c4c

"Dreams Of Exodus"

I have dreamt of my end
Clenching tight my regrets
Saphire lace around my neck
Aspirations dangling on a thread

what do you even mean by sapphire lace... explain that to me. aspirations is no good

Falling deeper
Into my slumber

slumber equals bad word. its obvious your only using them because you cant use sleep. Its good that you recognize that, but find better words

A marvelous reprise
The gift for all who've sacrificed
In the end we'll die in vain
Solely breathing to stop the pain

id like to know what they sacrifice. nice choice in reprise. decent rhyme

I will nail down my heart
To the platinum veil we shared
Ruby failures pour from my soul
Despirations lead to decay

nailing hearts = bland and cliche unless used more literally. its desperations ever heard of spell check?

Starting to dorwn
Bury me in hallow ground

DROWN spellcheck = good.

A marvelous reprise
The gift for all who've sacrificed
In the end we'll die in vain
Solely breathing to stop the pain

[Piano/Guitar Interlude]
Underneath:
Only breathing to stop the pain
Feasting on the heatless shame of
Only breathing to stop the pain
Feasting on the heartless shame

[Solo: Josh/Mike/ Bass Solo: Derek/ Solo: Mike/Josh/ Duet: Josh+Mike/ Bass Solo: Derek/ Finale Solo: Josh]

idc whos in your band, we dont need to know this.

A marvelous reprise
The gift for all who've sacrificed
In the end we'll die in vain
Solely breathing to stop the pain
Selfish ground inhales
The spirit of the grandeur failure
Hopless plea to stop the pain
Feasting on my heartless shame.


just more boring stuff. Songs like this are getting you nowhere they were done once before and again and again and so on. Try something new maybe?
#7
well the best crit is a negative one, but you probably missed the theme of the song. But that's okay, and if you knew the theme you probably wouldn't think it as cliche.

I wasn't using word so spell check wasn't an option and sometimes I tend to forget to check my grammar.

I don't like slumber or the nailed hearts line either, I just couldn't think of anything at the moment better, I'll try and imrpove it.

The theme is about someone dreaming of their death based upon the old saying that states when you dream you die your death is not that far off. The character in this song is dealing with thoughts of suicide (since he figures he'll already die) and thoughts of just ways to make his "inevitable" (sp?) death grand. To be honest it is kind of cliche but really, has nothing ever NOT been done? And the saphire lace, well there is a sort of historical thing behind it, but basically it's just imagery plant. I placed it for imagery, he feels he has a noose around his neck because he has no choice but to die. The thing with sacrifice is that whoever follows that old saying is basically sacrificing their life to a silly old wives tale.

And I don't care if you don't care who is in my band, just read over it and don't complain, it's there for structure purposes.

Thanks for the crit though, it'll help in the long run.

And to all the others thanks. So glad you all like what I've done.

I'll crit your's asap
Quote by dann_blood
Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton. I heard that and set me off on a destructive rampage for weeks.


Quote by FearTheD
i want him to ride his magical roll of USPS stickers to Valhalla
Last edited by NoSoupForDeath at Mar 8, 2007,