#1
i'm not so sure about this one but i encourage you to listen and read at the same time.. i wanted to sort of contrast the negative and positive feelings of a faulty relationship. c4c?

www.purevolume.com/anie


I wonder how it is that you can sleep
while you're shifting thought between your feet
and only you can make me this unbalanced
fixed in the tension because its nothing new
only, only you

you said don't count on me tonight
but i can't get you off my mind
no i can't get you off my mind
and i've got so much time

i wonder why it is now that we're done
you finally turn into someone
that i could maybe be with
but i have been known to waste my time
or better yet my life, yeah
better yet my life

you said don't count on me tonight
but i can't get you off my mind
no i can't get you off my mind
lets have a romantic cliche sort of time
full of laughter lies and holding hands
lets just do nothing other than pretend

and when you're gone and you go home
you can call me on the telephone
and i'll be so ****ing clever
that you won't even care whats for dinner

you said don't count on me tonight
but i can't get you off my mind
no i can't get you off my mind
and i've got so much time
#2
Wow. I love it, the only thing i dont like, is the interlude. The dinner part, Doesn't fit sorry. Wonderful guitar and lyrics.
The interlude just speeds up the whole song, you gotta have something that makes the transition more smooth.
My hat's off to you.
#3
I wonder how it is that you can sleep
while you're shifting thought between your feet
and only you can make me this unbalanced
fixed in the tension because its nothing new
only, only you
(i like this. its simple and straightforward, yet its got a hook so far and a meaning. really great so far)

you said don't count on me tonight
but i can't get you off my mind
no i can't get you off my mind
and i've got so much time
(a little forced rhyme, IMHO. you could do better, the cliche works well here. i dig it lol)

i wonder why it is now that we're done
you finally turn into someone
that i could maybe be with
but i have been known to waste my time
or better yet my life, yeah
better yet my life
(these are no doubt solid lyrics, yet i think you owned in the first stanza and the rest seems a bit, i dunno, uninspired?)

you said don't count on me tonight
but i can't get you off my mind
no i can't get you off my mind
lets have a romantic cliche sort of time
full of laughter lies and holding hands
lets just do nothing other than pretend
(i like the romantic cliche sort of time. a lot. i think if you had introduced that earlier in the piece, the rest wouldve kicked much mroe ass)

and when you're gone and you go home
you can call me on the telephone
and i'll be so ****ing clever
that you won't even care whats for dinner
(really forced and bad comedy. i dont like part at all)

you said don't count on me tonight
but i can't get you off my mind
no i can't get you off my mind
and i've got so much time
__________________

I did overall like this piece. My advice, come back to it tomorrow and rewrite.
#4
I wasn't going for comedy. i was trying to use that part to state that i would be clever but then go on to say something else that is in fact lame....showing that my hopes of being clever wouldn't actually be achieved because the relationship isn't functional or even realistic. i don't think anyone got that. i should definitely change it. but thanks much for the crits. i can't believe no one has complained about the vocals yet.
#5
Quote by anOnyMouSanIe


I wonder how it is that you can sleep
while you're shifting thought between your feet
and only you can make me this unbalanced
fixed in the tension because its nothing new
only, only you

Good start, i liked the last line, it just had good placement. The first line could use some better vocabulary.


you said don't count on me tonight
but i can't get you off my mind
no i can't get you off my mind
and i've got so much time

I love how this makes very little sense to us, but we can infer how it makes sense to you. The last line could be reworded to sound prestigous and oh so much more powerful.


i wonder why it is now that we're done
you finally turn into someone
that i could maybe be with
but i have been known to waste my time
or better yet my life, yeah
better yet my life

Fantastic, i haven't listened to the recording, but i can imagine this works perfectly.


you said don't count on me tonight
but i can't get you off my mind
no i can't get you off my mind
lets have a romantic cliche sort of time
full of laughter lies and holding hands
lets just do nothing other than pretend

Holds the reputation of the last stanza.


and when you're gone and you go home
you can call me on the telephone
and i'll be so ****ing clever
that you won't even care whats for dinner

I love it, that is all. Brilliant.


you said don't count on me tonight
but i can't get you off my mind
no i can't get you off my mind
and i've got so much time


Fantastic. It is very similair to my writing style, that's probably why i like it so much.

EDIT: Do not like the recording, like at all. Just a style preference, beautiful writing, do not enjoy my songs to be quite that obviously sad.
Last edited by Bmm386 at Mar 4, 2007,