#1
Oh I'm witty.

Critique for critique if you leave a link.

Enjoy


hey peter
you gonna eat her
i'll tell you once
she's gonna teach yer
she's a bit frisky
you're a bit risky
i won't tell you twice
this ain't gonna be nice oh no

did she tell you where she comes from
did she tell you where she's been
did she ask you where's your parents
did you ask her what you've seen

hey ricky
you're kinda picky
i'll tell you once
she's got many a hicky
she's a bit "use me"
you're a bit choosey
i won't tell you twice
this ain't gonna be nice at all

did she tell you where she comes from
did she tell you where she's been
did she ask you where's your parents
did she ask you what you've seen

don't you ever wonder why
she can't ever look you in the eye
why all her stories cross with lies
how she's here but saying goodbye
oh don't you ever wonder

hey honey
you're kinda funny
i'll tell you once
oh i'll tell you twice
oh i'll tell you three times
to not get involved tonight
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Mar 4, 2007,
#2
****ing loved it, it echoes a really good limmerick, but I really liked the stanza made up of the questions. I guess it's very well written around a situation that's only come too familiar around me. But I thought you wrote about the topic very well. I don't see anything wrond with it, this to me is the best piece you've written.
#3
i'm diggin it. i really liked the way everything was put together
#4
hey peter
you gonna eat her
i'll tell you once
she's gonna teach yer
she's a bit frisky
you're a bit risky
i won't tell you twice
this ain't gonna be nice oh no
the simple rhymes got a bit annoying

did she tell you where she comes from
did she tell you where she's been
did she ask you where's your parents
did you ask her what you've seen

hey ricky
you're kinda picky
i'll tell you once
she's got many a hickymabe shes gotten, or just change hicky to hickys
she's a bit "use me"
you're a bit choosey
i won't tell you twice
this ain't gonna be nice at all
the choosing is jsut saying hes picky again, mabe say something differnt

did she tell you where she comes from
did she tell you where she's been
did she ask you where's your parents
did she ask you what you've seen

don't you ever wonder why
she can't ever look you in the eye
why all her stories cross with lies
how she's here but saying goodbye
oh don't you ever wonder

hey honey
you're kinda funny
i'll tell you once
oh i'll tell you twice
oh i'll tell you three times
to not get involved tonight


ok, pretty good, it seems like a lot of the rhymes were forced,honey,funny,picky,hicky, and so very easy rhymes. but for some weird reason, the way u did it made it a bit catchy,but i dont know why.even tho ur rhymeing was annoying,i was kept interested
wondering wat weird rhyme u were ganna come up with next, so in some way, i guess it worked for you.

thx for the crit on mine, i did alot of changing on it if u wanna check back.
#5
Hmm sounds like a pornographic Simon and Garfunkel. To be honest its this style of writing I like least from you, when you turn to poetry themes on a more traditional line I enjoy them, this just doesn't do it for me. Sorry.

I'll return the crit(s) when I can better give them.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Mar 4, 2007,
#6
No worries Steve, I write in a bunch of styles, no one's gonna like them all

Thanks everyone for the feedback
#7
Quote by Jammydude44
Oh I'm witty.

Critique for critique if you leave a link.

Enjoy


hey peter
you gonna eat her
i'll tell you once
she's gonna teach yer
she's a bit frisky
you're a bit risky
i won't tell you twice
this ain't gonna be nice oh no

Other than the you're gonna eat her/ teach yer rhyme I thought that this wasn't a bad stanza. The eat her line just sounds out of place and yer seems like a little too much of a stretch for a rhyme otherwise, not bad.

did she tell you where she comes from
did she tell you where she's been
did she ask you where's your parents
did you ask her what you've seen

This is a pretty good stanza, not really filler, but not too much substance to it. I don't like it nor do I I dislike it, it's just kinda meh to me.

hey ricky
you're kinda picky
i'll tell you once
she's got many a hicky
she's a bit "use me"
you're a bit choosey
i won't tell you twice
this ain't gonna be nice at all

I don't like the hicky reference, it just makes it sound too "high school" but then maybe that was your angle..so I don't know. The she's a bit "use me"/you're a bit choosey was easily my favorite line in the whole piece, excellent rhyme.

did she tell you where she comes from
did she tell you where she's been
did she ask you where's your parents
did she ask you what you've seen

don't you ever wonder why
she can't ever look you in the eye
why all her stories cross with lies
how she's here but saying goodbye
oh don't you ever wonder

I like this stanza, mainly because up until this one I was still kinda unclear about the focus of the piece. Referencing Ricky and Peter but now I think it's about "slutty" or "trashy" girls I guess...I dunno I still think your story is a little underdeveloped but this stanza was pretty good.

hey honey
you're kinda funny
i'll tell you once
oh i'll tell you twice
oh i'll tell you three times
to not get involved tonight

Good resolute ending although this throws me off even more as now it seems that it was revolving around an incident that was supposed to happen tonight. I dunno it's clear-ish in it's story but I, personally, can't quite piece it together.


This was a nice piece. It's not your best work but judging from your other pieces that's kind of a high bar. Either way it wasn't awful by any means, just kind of a meh piece, especially for you.

I'd appreciate it if you'd take a look at my piece:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=537802
Last edited by NGD1313 at Mar 4, 2007,
#8
Quote by Jammydude44

hey peter
you gonna eat her
i'll tell you once
she's gonna teach yer
she's a bit frisky
you're a bit risky
i won't tell you twice
this ain't gonna be nice oh no

I don't like the last two lines. Seems like a fairly overused rhyme. Other than that, I really didn't like the use of "yer" even though I understand that you used it to keep the flow.

did she tell you where she comes from
did she tell you where she's been
did she ask you where's your parents
did you ask her what you've seen

Been/seen don't rhyme very well, so the last line definitely disturbed the rhythm of the peace, well at least the way I was reading it.

hey ricky
you're kinda picky
i'll tell you once
she's got many a hicky
she's a bit "use me"
you're a bit choosey
i won't tell you twice
this ain't gonna be nice at all

I don't like the at all at the end. And to me the line "she's got many a hicky" was kind of awkward.

did she tell you where she comes from
did she tell you where she's been
did she ask you where's your parents
did she ask you what you've seen

don't you ever wonder why
she can't ever look you in the eye
why all her stories cross with lies
how she's here but saying goodbye
oh don't you ever wonder

I don't really like the rhyme scheme in this part, but my favorite stanza thus far.

hey honey
you're kinda funny
i'll tell you once
oh i'll tell you twice
oh i'll tell you three times
to not get involved tonight

Actually I take that back, this is my favorite stanza. Really nice ending.


Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.