#1
ok, now that i have drawn ur attention with my thread title, why not leave atleast a short crit on the way out,eh? i wrote this just for the fun of it, and i actually wrote it all in 10min..thx.crit for crit
lol, sorry steve about the title, but it is part of the poem name.

"Steve, have you lost your mind?!?"
"nope, just my marbles"


His burnished light reflecting
curvilinear shaped orbs
have departed from his hands,
much like a shuttle at launch
and a star falling from constellations.
They radiate as they trace
their anonymous finish
across galaxy cloaked oceans.
They plummet deeper into the depths
coming so near each other,now,
they rendezvous in a super nova
in the eyes of a five year old.

the orbs backlash from the boards
and defying all gravity,
return into his hands.
they are clean,cold,normal
Last edited by ragglefraggle at Mar 4, 2007,
#2
I don't really think you need to provide the meanings to words in your writing, if people don't know what they mean then they should look them up. Plus you didn't use anything too obscure, the only word I didn't know was curvilinear and that doesn't seem too difficult to figure out.
Quote by Cal UK
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#3
Quote by ragglefraggle
ok, now that i have drawn ur attention with my thread title, why not leave atleast a short crit on the way out,eh? i wrote this just for the fun of it, and i actually wrote it all in 10min..thx.crit for crit
lol, sorry steve about the title, but it is part of the poem name.

"Steve, have you lost your mind?!?"
"nope, just my marbles"


His burnished light reflecting
curvilinear shaped orbs
have departed from his hands,
much like a shuttle at launch
and a star falling from constellations.
They radiate as they trace
their anonymous finish
across galaxy cloaked oceans.
They plummet deeper into the depths
coming so near each other,now,
they rendezvous in a super nova
in the eyes of a five year old.

i liked a lot of this cept a few parts. i wasnt huge on the constellations part because its pretty hard now to incorporate that in your piece without making it sound cliche and i think it sounded a bit cliche here.also the ending of this was kind of blah and i didnt like how you brought the child into it because it seemed like this could have went much farther and moved deeper into the imagery and atmosphere


the orbs backlash from the boards
and defying all gravity,
return into his hands.
they are clean,cold,normal

this was an okay ending. nothing special because it was pretty basic language and not so effective and since i wasnt huge on the child part i didnt like this much.


overall this definitely has potential its just a few things holding it back. great start though, let me know if you ever edit this or anything.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=538597
here is my piece i just posted today, its pretty short if you have time
#4
I don't really think you need to provide the meanings to words in your writing, if people don't know what they mean then they should look them up.


This is BS. I myself am a decently intelligent person with common sense and the definite ability to look up words that I don't know. That doesn't mean I'm going to. Why? Because that's just stupid. The song is, as far as I can tell, about someone dropping their marbles and nothing more. So why should I care if he used the term "curvlinear" instead of "round"?

You see, this is the misconception about poetry/songwriting and individual words. People assume that individual words build up to create something larger, but that those little words are nothing more than meaningless building blocks. That is not the case. So using the word "curvelinear" or some shit is all well and good, but if the poem itself is meaningless, the individual words are meaningless too. Right? Right.

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#5
^ I think the song/poem was metaphorical, but you have a good point.

I mean, imagine a song without any use of 'the' or 'and'. It's possible, but it would be easier with them, so they're just as important as saying 'rendezvous' rather than meeting.
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#7
Quote by Petey Cook
This is BS. I myself am a decently intelligent person with common sense and the definite ability to look up words that I don't know. That doesn't mean I'm going to. Why? Because that's just stupid.


If someone doesn't care enough about the writing to look up a word that they don't know should they even be reading it? and I just think if you provide the meanings to words people will be less likely to remember the meaning than if they have to look it up.

I see what you're saying, that it would be more efficient for the author of a piece of work to provide the meanings of words he uses, but I think that having a stronger vocabulary is more important than saving a litle time. That's just me, though.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#8
Maybe I didn't say it right, but you didn't get my point. It's not about the words having meaning or the author providing meaning. It's about the song as a whole having meaning. If the song as a whole has meaning, than the individual words and what THEY mean will also be given an extra meaning, right? So saying he lost his marbles is a pun for saying that he's insane. But the song itself is just a jumble of imagery that has little else to do with sanity or losing it, so why bother saying "curvelinear" instead of "round"? Because, in the grand scheme of the entire piece, it doesn't matter what shape your metaphorical marbles are, because sanity has no shape.

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#11
u just gata look for it.


Why? When will writers here learn the incredibly high value of simply saying what they mean? Let's take an example. Bush's "Machinehead." Possibly the best song ever written in the decade of the 90s.

A sample of writing from that:
"Blood is like wine
Unconscious all the time"

Alright. Pretty dark, a good image, especially considering that when blood is pulled from the vein it has almost the exact same color as wine. Also, there's the double entende of drinking wine/blood which leads to some further dark images. So we've got a very decent little wordplay and it's nothing terribly fancy. And then the best lyric of the entire song:

"If I had it all again
I'd change it all"

And why is this the best lyric to one of the best songs? Because it's simple. Following that very vivid two lines about blood being like wine and all that that could mean, we see this gem. It's nothing fancy, it's nothing that even brings up an image in our heads, but when coupled with the previous lines, it hits so hard that you give up writing lyrics cause you won't do better.

So I dunno what it is with writers lately. It's like they're challenging their readers to play an endless game of "Find the Meaning!" and setting themselves up for woeful misinterpretation. Why don't people just say what they mean anymore? Honestly. Paint us a picture, give us the metaphor and once we've built it all up in our minds tell us the mind-blowing simplicity behind it all and we'll fall flat on our faces crying because it all. makes. so. much. SENSE NOW I GOT IT HOLY SHIT I SEE WHAT HE'S SAYING...etc.

(Sorry for the rant. I'm not being mean. The imagery in the piece is nice, but it does need improvement. Hope the rant helps.)

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#12
writing simple and directly stating what it is about is a style chose of the writer, mabe the writer likes using metaphors, and taking the reader on a weird journey, which would be me. i like metaphors alot, i like using them everywhere i can, just their so much fun.i love reading certain peoples writing, just to look at what crazy and new metaphor they can think up to convey the same meaning as simply stating it. so its a preference.
#13
It's preference up to a point. The use of imagery, metaphor, etc, that's preference. If the piece as a whole is not effective, it has nothing to do with preference. So yeah, maybe you don't need simple lines like that. Maybe you want to use crazy metaphors. But those crazy metaphors need to be effective. Simplicity is a good step because a) it's easy and b) it's impossible to misinterpret, but also can mean so many things. I'm not going to say one way is better than the other, just remember that above everything else, a piece has to be effective. However you reach that point is up to you.

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#15
I trhink it's been a while since I critiqued one of your pieces, so here goes. I liked the theme of the story. Sometimes I feel like the protagonist, I get lost in my own little imaginary world, so i was able to relate. Oh, the title and the opening lines were great. Overall, I thought the wording was good. I like reading pieces that aren't straightforward (as long as they have subsatnce, which this one does.) Anyways, nice job and keep it up.

Crit mine please?
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