#1
Ok since Travis (ragfrag) asked for an old piece I dug out my oldest one I could find, its by no means my first piece, but I wrote this after writing for around a year.

EXEMPLAR-EXCISION. EDIT. EXIT

of course Saint-Satan’s videotaping her,
emotion: ‘Pause.’ Audience: ‘Quiet.’
Still,
motionless collectives.
The Daemon of Decorum holds his tape recorder to
exposé every word.
Heart-wrenching sentences loom
as guillotine paper cuts.
Stem the ink,
stem the ink that points to
her eye
lid pages. I
can see what
she means.
She’s picture perfect…I love her like this, like
perfection settles on the dingiest of door-lock lips, where
from the sun-
shines through the dreariest of key-hole teeth.
Her pockmarks are teardrop-
remains,
flawless,
her pores are shallow-grave wells,
she’s floorless.
Stem the flow,
stem the flow that pours
from her tear-duct inkpots.

I could read what she meant as she cried.
emotion: ‘Pause.’ Audience: ‘Exit.’
Never to start again.
Or again,
or again.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#2
lol, this doesnt look to much differnt from wat ur posting nowadays. nice,very nice. u want a actual crit on it? if not, sorry im dong one anyways.

of course Saint-Satan’s videotaping her,doesnt make sense to me,shouldnt it be '..satan is video ..' the 's at the end of satan showd possesion, but i dont see how it fits
emotion: ‘Pause.’ Audience: ‘Quiet.’
Still,nice, i like it, took me abit to understand it
motionless collectives.
The Daemon of Decorum holds his tape recorder to
exposé every word.
Heart-wrenching sentences loom
as guillotine paper cuts.i think it would be 'like guillotine paper cuts'
Stem the ink,
stem the ink that points to
her eye
lid pages. I
can see what
she means.
She’s picture perfect…I love her like this, like
perfection settles on the dingiest of door-lock lips, wheremabe find differnt word for perfect?
from the sun-
shines through the dreariest of key-hole teeth.
Her pockmarks are teardrop-
remains,
flawless,
her pores are shallow-grave wells,
she’s floorless.i dont get it, floorless? flawless? i dont kno
Stem the flow,
stem the flow that pours
from her tear-duct inkpots.
nice metaphor, i like this one alot

I could read what she meant as she cried.
emotion: ‘Pause.’ Audience: ‘Exit.’
Never to start again.
Or again,
or again.


nice,wow.lots of great detailing metaphors. wat i got out of it was its about like a girl on stage,acting, and their video taping her.this one was alot more easier to understand than ur normal ones.
#3
Quote by The Hurt Within
Ok since Travis (ragfrag) asked for an old piece I dug out my oldest one I could find, its by no means my first piece, but I wrote this after writing for around a year.

EXEMPLAR-EXCISION. EDIT. EXIT

of course Saint-Satan’s videotaping her,
emotion: ‘Pause.’ Audience: ‘Quiet.’
Still,
motionless collectives.
The Daemon of Decorum holds his tape recorder to
exposé every word.
Heart-wrenching sentences loom
as guillotine paper cuts.
Stem the ink,
stem the ink that points to
her eye
lid pages.

i love this start. you have to be the best writer of this style on this site. perfect diction and flow which is rare in writing like this.

I
can see what
she means.

She’s picture perfect…
i dont like this picture perfect line. this whole piece is a+ diction and imagery and descriptions except for this, which shouldnt be because right here you are describing how perfect she is and i think the cliche 'picture perfect' doesnt really encapture how beautiful you are trying to say she is.

I love her like this, like
perfection settles on the dingiest of door-lock lips, where
from the sun-
shines through the dreariest of key-hole teeth.

fu.cking brilliant. the lead in line 'i love her like this' is so beautiful seriously. a line hasnt effected me like that in a long time

Her pockmarks are teardrop-
remains,
flawless,
her pores are shallow-grave wells,
she’s floorless.
Stem the flow,
stem the flow that pours
from her tear-duct inkpots.

ahaha great flow here. i dont like the description of her pores, i think that imagery is contrasting of what you are trying to tell us about her.

I could read what she meant as she cried.
emotion: ‘Pause.’ Audience: ‘Exit.’
Never to start again.
Or again,
or again.


pretty good ending, kind of a let down because it didnt enrapture the build up of the piece


awesome piece 9.5/10

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=538597
theres the 3rd installment of my marrow ocean series if you have time
Last edited by rushmore at Mar 4, 2007,