#1
i haven't thought straight in so long
i always feel like i'm hearing a gong
i'm out of my body as i always am
i always feel like toast and jam

(chorus)
i walked through fire in my mind
you walked on water with past behind
my mind still burns
while your water churns

i hear thunder in my head
it's a terrible sound of dread
as you see lighting in the sky
it makes you question Shanghai

we feel the breeze through our bodies
as we enter the trolley
to go back home

my mind stands still
as it feels the chill
of ice as it cools

thats my first set i've put on here please critique
Last edited by x2x0 at Mar 5, 2007,
#2
Quote by x2x0
i haven't thought straight in so long
i always feel like i'm hearing a gong this is good, obviously refering to drugs
i'm out of my body as i always am (i believe)
i always feel like toast and jam <--- dont really understand

(chorus)
i walked through fire in my mind
you walked on water with past behind WOW, this is awesome
my mind still burns
while your water churns

i hear thunder in my head
it's a terrible sound of dread
as you see lighting in the sky
it makes you question Shanghai <- Shanghai and sky rhyme seems forced

we feel the breeze through our bodies
as we enter the trolley
to go back home

my mind stands still <-- this stanza is a good ending i liked it
as it feels the chill
of ice as it cools


Great piece you had some very good adjectives and imagery.
#3
Quote by x2x0
i haven't thought straight in so long
i always feel like i'm hearing a gong
i'm out of my body as i always am
i always feel like toast and jam

Very strange rhymes, but I like it, flows pretty well.


(chorus)
i walked through fire in my mind
you walked on water with past behind
my mind still burns
while your water churns

Not too sure about burns + churns, or using water twice so close, the first two lines are great though.


i hear thunder in my head
it's a terrible sound of dread
as you see lighting in the sky
it makes you question Shanghai

The last line makes no sense, but it was going pretty smoothly up until then.

we feel the breeze through our bodies
as we enter the trolley
to go back home

Sounds like it's about ET, but nice, flows.


my mind stands still
as it feels the chill
of ice as it cools

As with the rest of the piece, not logical, and a good flow, nice ending.



I like it, very obtuse rhymes, and apart from the shanghai line, which is a real stinker, there's a good piece there. 4/5.