#1
C-c-c-camoflauge, it's hard to see!
Suggestions, critiques, shocked faces, are welcome.

I'll explain my previous course of actions later, my piece here is the main center of attraction, not my dumbass.


Enjoy

Rowboat

Inova and I climb onto the gunwale, she's like a thousand cranes crafted from stationary and parchment. Her plate glass eyes look past the perihelion. I..I am the betrayer, a blanket thus to be draped behind gestapo desires. I am like makeshift parentheses, an after thought riding the wake of a pale horse. A lingering pesticide that carries these ghastly shallows from cloud to cloud. Words like hooves stomping oxygen for invisible lungs, hallowed lungs, all this and my canteen lay at the bottom of our rowboat. A ship coated in molded tree bark, a gnarled oar to sink under the mossed lake, I am the destroyer of worlds, the scythe in the hands of another ravager, the conquerer of waterlilies.

Pair a' lies.
&
Pair o' flies.


I am a wash away from the tomb's map. A shore beneath the lip's crescent, a shore beneath the lake's mouth. I've become the camera, I've become the mariner. In the long march to the redeemer's palace, I've suffered the complacency of love. I watch the fauna drift like a pirate armada. I watch her face, she was a perch for albatross, her nautical lisp was a stutter above dissolved lime, to make the water turquoise. Such a peculiar hand hangs shady gossip like berries from broken tree branches. A leafling touch climbs and bends together two broken vines. Our Gordian knot. Oh Alexandria. Oh Alexandria...

And to this we wander,
to this we are candor.
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Last edited by Something_Vague at Mar 4, 2007,
#2
Inova and I climb onto the gunwale, she's like a thousand cranes crafted from stationary and parchment. Her plate glass eyes look past the the parhelion. I..I am the betrayer, a blanket thus to be draped behind gestapo desires. I am like makeshift parentheses, an after thought riding the wake of a pale horse. A lingering pesticide that carries these ghastly shallows from cloud to cloud. Words like hooves stomping oxygen for invisible lungs, hallowed lungs, all this and my cantine lay at the bottom of our rowboat. A ship coated in molded tree bark, a gnarled oar to sink under the mossed lake, I am the destroyer of worlds, the scythe in the hands of another ravager, the conquerer of waterlilys.

Pair a' lies.
&
Pair o' flies.

I am a wash away from the tomb's map. A shore beneath the lip's crescent, a shore beneath the lake's mouth. I've become the camera, I've become the mariner. In the long march to the redeemer's palace, I've suffered the complacency of love. I watch the fauna drift like a pirate armada. I watch her face, she was a perch for pelicans, her nautical lisp was a stutter above dissolved lime, to make the water turquoise. Such a peculiar hand hangs shady gossip like berries from broken tree branches. A leafling touch climbs and bends together two broken vines. Our Gordian knot. Oh Alexandria. Oh Alexandria...

And to this we wander,
to this we are candor.


i couldnt find anything wrong.


"I am like makeshift parentheses, an after thought riding the wake of a pale horse. A lingering pesticide that carries these ghastly shallows from cloud to cloud. Words like hooves stomping oxygen for invisible lungs, hallowed lungs, all this and my cantine lay at the bottom of our rowboat"


definitely the best part out of all of it. ill say that the first verse/paragraph was the best, i loved ur imagery, it was amazing.but the very first word of the first verse,
"inova" is it supposed to be " in ova"?im not sure.but none-the-less, i say WOW
#3
i have no complaints. that was great.
and i'm guessing it's about rachel?
the whole "inova alexandria" thing
reminded me of her? but i don't know.

EDIT: oh and you said "and" twice in the second line.

I just want to sleep forever.


#4
Rowboat

Inova and I climb onto the gunwale, she's like a thousand cranes crafted from stationary and parchment. Her plate glass eyes look past the the parhelion. perihelion. I..I am the betrayer,Then is she the redeemer? a blanket thus to be draped behind gestapo desires. Eh...Nah. I am like makeshift i really loathe the word makeshift in most contexts like for instance this one parentheses, an after thought riding the wake of a pale horse. pale rider? A lingering pesticide another sign of the apocalypse? another sign of taking oneself too seriously? that carries these ghastly shallows from cloud to cloud. Words like hooves stomping oxygen Uh, what? for invisible lungs, hallowed lungs, ooh, wonderful all this and my cantine canteen lay at the bottom of our rowboat. wait, when did you get into a rowboat? is a gunwale part of a rowboat? A ship coated in molded tree bark, a gnarled oar to sink under the mossed lake, I am the destroyer of worlds, the scythe imagery, imagery, imagery. that's all you are, matthew. in the hands of another ravager, the conquerer of waterlilys. lilies

Pair a' lies.
&
Pair o' flies.


I am a wash away from the tomb's map. A shore beneath the lip's crescent, a shore beneath the lake's mouth. I've become the camera, I've become the mariner. Why don't you shoot an albatross, then In the long march to the redeemer's i knew it palace, I've suffered the complacency of loveweak phrase. I watch the fauna drift like a pirate armada. strong phrase I watch her face, she was a perch for pelicans, her nautical lisp was a stutter above dissolved limewait, what?, to make the water turquoise. Such a peculiar hand hangs shady gossip like berries from broken tree branches. A leafling touch climbs and bends together two broken vines. Our Gordian knot. Oh Alexandria. Oh Alexandria...Aww...

And to this we wander,
to this we are candor.

Truly magnificent.
#8
I like this more than your previous stuff. It seems more consistent and collected. It's like you stopped saying "I'm a good writer" to yourself in the mirror and started looking at blank pages saying "I'm going to actually write something now." Good job.

Rock On
Newest Lyrics:
[url="http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=727775[/url"]Pattern Recognition

Short Stories:
Anniversary
#9
Thanks, I'm glad you're finally enjoying some of my stuff, you're one of the reasons I left so angerly.

Thanks though, I really appreciate it a lot.


Anymore? This has gotten like 190+ views, there have to be some with something to say.
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#10
I hate to do this, but I really did love this piece.

All of my suggestions were spelling errors that were taken care of already.
#11
woah where'd you come from. i've missed you baby. i never knew the story of why you left please tell it to me.

Quote by Something_Vague
C-c-c-camoflauge, it's hard to see!
Suggestions, critiques, shocked faces, are welcome.

I'll explain my previous course of actions later, my piece here is the main center of attraction, not my dumbass.


Enjoy

Rowboat

Inova and I climb onto the gunwale, she's like a thousand cranes crafted from stationary and parchment. Her plate glass eyes look past the perihelion. I..I am the betrayer, a blanket thus to be draped behind gestapo desires. I am like makeshift parentheses, an after thought riding the wake of a pale horse. you've used this before. makeshift parenthesis. not that it's really a problem but whatever. never mind. A lingering pesticide that carries these ghastly shallows from cloud to cloud. Words like hooves stomping oxygen for invisible lungs, hallowed lungs, all this and my canteen lay at the bottom of our rowboat. the sentence structure here really bugged me. A ship coated in molded tree bark, a gnarled oar to sink under the mossed lake, I am the destroyer of worlds, the scythe in the hands of another ravager, the conquerer of waterlilies.

Pair a' lies.
&
Pair o' flies.


I am a wash away from the tomb's map. A shore beneath the lip's crescent, a shore beneath the lake's mouth. I've become the camera, I've become the mariner. In the long march to the redeemer's palace, I've suffered the complacency of love. I watch the fauna drift like a pirate armada. I watch her face, she was a perch for albatross, her nautical lisp was a stutter above dissolved lime, to make the water turquoise. Such a peculiar hand hangs shady gossip like berries from broken tree branches. A leafling touch climbs and bends together two broken vines. Our Gordian knot. Oh Alexandria. Oh Alexandria...

And to this we wander,
to this we are candor.


Whatever I'm done never mind.

I guess the only things I don't like about it are "complacency of love" and possibly that sentence above. I'm not sure why that sentence bugs me though so ignore it. Welcome back.
#13
i saw a few of your pieces before you left... and i was impressed to say the least... but i have to say... after reading this i can definitely see what all the praise has been about.... and i'm glad you're back.

excellent work... and please be as harsh as you wish with any of my pieces anytime.
#16
Despite the immense meaning behind Gestapo I thought the line "behind gestapo desires" was quite a weak image, due it being so vague, perhaps focus more there.

Words like hooves stomping oxygen for invisible lungs

I figured it should be "stomp" instead, dunno.

she was a perch for albatross

Pointless imagery for me.

above dissolved lime, to make the water turquoise.

This never really worked for me, the line seems grammatically flawed, theres nothing here I sense that could turn the water turquoise, and it all seems a bit too dependant on its abstract nature to make the reader think of a reason.

Yeha the rest was awesome.

Bye



I'd love a little comment on the piece in my sig.

Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#18
This is very good. I find the imagery magnificent. Abundant similies and metaphors that I can't decipher (probably because its personal and I don't know you, or I'm dumb. One or the other). The fact that the imagery is constantly changing from one thing to another is enough to keep the attention of your audience. There also seems to be a subtle ocean theme throughout. Very nice.
#19
Quote by *Truly Ninja*
Whenever anyone makes a literary allusion, Steve thinks it's pointless imagery.



What Moby Dick? Yeah pointless for the piece. A piece that serves well enough without it. That part was originally "Pelican" but whatever.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Mar 7, 2007,
#21
Quote by Something_Vague
C-c-c-camoflauge, it's hard to see!
Suggestions, critiques, shocked faces, are welcome.

I'll explain my previous course of actions later, my piece here is the main center of attraction, not my dumbass.


Enjoy

Rowboat

Inova and I climb onto the gunwale, she's like a thousand cranes crafted from stationary and parchment. Her plate glass eyes look past the perihelion. I..I am the betrayer, a blanket thus to be draped behind gestapo desires. I am like makeshift parentheses, an after thought riding the wake of a pale horse. A lingering pesticide that carries these ghastly shallows from cloud to cloud. Words like hooves stomping oxygen for invisible lungs, hallowed lungs, all this and my canteen lay at the bottom of our rowboat. A ship coated in molded tree bark, a gnarled oar to sink under the mossed lake, I am the destroyer of worlds, the scythe in the hands of another ravager, the conquerer of waterlilies.

Pair a' lies.
&
Pair o' flies.


I am a wash away from the tomb's map. A shore beneath the lip's crescent, a shore beneath the lake's mouth. I've become the camera, I've become the mariner. In the long march to the redeemer's palace, I've suffered the complacency of love. I watch the fauna drift like a pirate armada. I watch her face, she was a perch for albatross, her nautical lisp was a stutter above dissolved lime, to make the water turquoise. Such a peculiar hand hangs shady gossip like berries from broken tree branches. A leafling touch climbs and bends together two broken vines. Our Gordian knot. Oh Alexandria. Oh Alexandria...

And to this we wander,
to this we are candor.


take out the word "tree", for some reason it just seems to get in the way, everytime i read , my mind just skips. I think it is better without it, but it's up to you.
Run, Run Farmer. Screaming! Bloody Murder
The daughters of question have been murdered!
Murdered! Murdered!
#23
Dissolved limestone turns water into a turquoise color. Sorry if you didn't know that, it happens with most waterfalls and other running rapids.

Thank you everyone, I'll get everyone's later tonight.
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