#1
Considering the current situation, let’s make this a party…

(I've just bought a new hat...)

the elbow led articles
had held their heads high,
morosely enthralled with
the tooth lit servitude
of the sunrise sopranos,
angling for a thought,

their fallows were nectarine,
a libidinous ode
to salacious reprise,
barren yet tactful,
litigious yet pure,
pacified by corrugation:
tongue typed Tennyson
midst tedious denial,

draped in empirical silk…
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at Mar 4, 2007,
#2
I would like to think its a trilby, whereby for your birthday and christmas respectively you shall receive Mocassins and a pipe, perhaps a Jacquard gown too.


the elbow led articles
had held their heads high,
morosely enthralled with
the tooth lit servitude
of the sunrise sopranos,
angling for a thought,

I love this diction here, despite earlier reads, where I couldn't really connect with anything, now, I get the impression of prisoners or other something of the sort being escorted. Theres nothing I can fault, it reads well, and the diction is well chosen.

their fallows were nectarine,
a libidinous ode
to salacious reprise,
barren yet tactful,
litigious yet pure,
pacified by corrugation:
tongue typed Tennyson
midst tedious denial,

draped in empirical silk…

Whoa, well this changes everything, didn't expect Tennyson to appear, kinda leads me away from the prisoner aspect, and onto war veterans. Theres nothing (again) I can say here. The alliteration in the penultimate line of the main stanza, seems a bit too much. But theres no real other way it can be said. I really loved this piece, I have to be honest a lot of your work leaves me feeling unfullfilled, here I am stuffed.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
Quote by HendrixEdge
Considering the current situation, let’s make this a party…

(I've just bought a new hat...)

I'm guessing a baseball cap. New York Yankees? Boo on you, sir, boo on you. But holla for representing yo state. You're from New York, right?

the elbow led articles shouldn't it be elbow-led... i'm not sure i like the use of articles
had held their heads high,
morosely enthralled with
the tooth lit servitude and tooth-lit?
of the sunrise sopranos,
angling for a thought,

their fallows were nectarine,
a libidinous ode and here comes the vocab. was the contrast between the mostly simplistic first verse, at least in vocabulary, to the elegance of nectarine and libidinous intentional?
to salacious reprise,
barren yet tactful,
litigious yet pure,
pacified by corrugation:
tongue typed Tennyson
midst tedious denial, amazing.

draped in empirical silk…


I don't know why I tried critiquing this. I just thought you deserved more than one comment. Of course this is excellent. I'm still working out the meaning because I got two contrasting images between the first stanza and the second. I'll figure it out.

Great.
#4
my only complaint in this is the same as steve's;
i find the alliteration at the end to be somewhat
overwhelming and i think it could be toned down.

but other than that, this was a very nice piece.

I just want to sleep forever.