#1
crit4crit, my last piece needed some work so i deleted it. enjoy

Urgency continues to rattle me
Shaking me down like a glacier or a falling curtain
I am the ER, service is certain
Eventually, potentially
Conventionally

This is the way that things are done
To limp with a tick and tock with a run
This is precisely the way things go
To move into a house and call it a home

After all, isn't my life up to me?
It's probably not, but that's at least the way it should be
I'll be for you if you be for me, together we live out this hazardous dream. It's one of those that you don't ever wake up from, because your eyes were open before you begun and your REM sleep is spinning faster than it seems and it's angular momentum is rotating the room, so as to create ANY kind of energy (even kinetic) between me and you.



thanks for reading
#2
Quote by LOOKtheskyfell!
crit4crit, my last piece needed some work so i deleted it. enjoy

Urgency continues to rattle me
Shaking me down like a glacier or a falling curtain
I am the ER, service is certain
Eventually, potentially
Conventionally

i love the last 3 lines, but the first are just ehh so so. kind of a boring similie in the 2nd line but maybe not idk im undecided

This is the way that things are done
To limp with a tick and tock with a run
This is precisely the way things go
To move into a house and call it a home

i love this seriously

After all, isn't my life up to me?
It's probably not, but that's at least the way it should be
I'll be for you if you be for me, together we live out this hazardous dream. It's one of those that you don't ever wake up from, because your eyes were open before you begun and your REM sleep is spinning faster than it seems and it's angular momentum is rotating the room, so as to create ANY kind of energy (even kinetic) between me and you.

i like the idea in the first 2 lines but the rhyme is blah one syllable and kinda boring. i love the last line, seriously. this whole ending was very very impressive.



thanks for reading


youve grown so much as a writer its awesome and i hope you stay around and keep posting frequently.
9/10
#3
This is rather good, i must check out some of your other songs
It`s not the destination, it`s the road your on that make it all worthwhile.
#4
Quote by LOOKtheskyfell!
crit4crit, my last piece needed some work so i deleted it. enjoy

Urgency continues to rattle me
Shaking me down like a glacier or a falling curtain
I am the ER, service is certain
Eventually, potentially
Conventionally

This is the way that things are done
To limp with a tick and tock with a run
This is precisely the way things go
To move into a house and call it a home

After all, isn't my life up to me?
It's probably not, but that's at least the way it should be
I'll be for you if you be for me, together we live out this hazardous dream. It's one of those that you don't ever wake up from, because your eyes were open before you begun and your REM sleep is spinning faster than it seems and it's angular momentum is rotating the room, so as to create ANY kind of energy (even kinetic) between me and you.



thanks for reading



I think that the first stanza has a few problems, (imo) the first line doesn't fit and the close proximity of the two "me"s. Then the last stanza throws off the flow as it transfers into prose. I think you use rhyme very well in this, which is not too common, and that for the most part this flows extremely well. Very good imo.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#6
"To limp with a tick and tock with a run," what genius. Love the first two parts, + the reference to the REM sleep.

the third part...it seems like your writing spun out of control at the end, but in a very nice way. But the start of it, "after all, isn't my life up to me?" seemed so juvenile in comparison with the rest of the poem. The reference to kinetic energy, although well-meant, seems oddly placed and like you just wanted to use the word kinetic. It might do better without.
#9
Urgency continues to rattle me
Shaking me down like a glacier or a falling curtain
I am the ER, service is certain
Eventually, potentially
Conventionally


this was a fine little opening. nothing exceptional, but it seems to serve its purpose.
i like the last two lines, however, they seem a little out of place. they have quite a concise flow whereas the rest of the stanza is much more free, but thats no real problem.

This is the way that things are done
To limp with a tick and tock with a run
This is precisely the way things go
To move into a house and call it a home


once more, nice stanza. i especially like the second line, but again the flow falters majorly in the 3rd and 4th lines. its the loosness of the rhyme that does it for me.

After all, isn't my life up to me?
It's probably not, but that's at least the way it should be
I'll be for you if you be for me, together we live out this hazardous dream. It's one of those that you don't ever wake up from, because your eyes were open before you begun and your REM sleep is spinning faster than it seems and it's angular momentum is rotating the room, so as to create ANY kind of energy (even kinetic) between me and you.


i rally like the 1st two lines but, yet again, flow suffers after that.
the stream of consciousness is nice, but i think this whole song would benefit from deciding whether you want the structure to be tight, or more fluid.
Flitting between the rhyme structure, and the free writing makes it all seem very jerky.
the content is ok, but it lacks any conceit. in that respect, the third stanza is the strongest, but the other metaphors are a tad too obscure and unrelated but yeah, i think overall its the structure that could use the most work though.

keep at it.

if you would be so kind as to look at one of mine, "18 feet" looks like it needs the most attention. thanks.

peace out.
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#10
IMO, first stanza, it's just not very good, at least for you. I think what you were trying to pull off was writing two stanza twos.
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いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching