#1
this is the part of the story the where main character is capsized and after sinking he drifts onto this random island. so theres a lot of symbolism (driftwood, ect).
this one is a lot different than the other pieces but idk, it doesnt have as many one liners but i like how its put together.


EDIT: you dont need to crit this one really, just my new one

We built ourselves a tree top balcony
overlooking some two-bit pirate ship filled with chests of casino chips which were
of no value to me.
The sea sick sailors had an affinity for masquerading as roundabout Irish whalers
but the ship was spouting water through a blow hole in the middle of the deck
where everyone was leaning over each others shoulders with
giraffe'd necks
comparing the amounts of their fools gold paychecks.

[well here you see some capsized thoughts that couldn't navigate their way from your brain to your mouth so they spilled out your ears and drowned our makeshift rowboat in a stained glass ocean]

Hello apple seed eyes,
hello deep sea diver.
You veins are cold,
your face is blue,
your coral lover has departed.
Good morning driftwood;

Welcome,
tourist.
Last edited by rushmore at Mar 7, 2007,
#2
Quote by rushmore
this is the part of the story the where main character is capsized and after sinking he drifts onto this random island. so theres a lot of symbolism (driftwood, ect).
this one is a lot different than the other pieces but idk, it doesnt have as many one liners but i like how its put together.


We built ourself a tree top balcony
over looking some two bit pirate ship filled with chests of casino chips which were
of no value to me.
The sea sick sailors had an affinity for masquerading as roundabout Irish whalers
but the ship was spouting water through a blow hole in the middle of the deck
where everyone was leaning over each others shoulders with
giraffe'd necks
comparing the amounts of their fools gold paychecks.
Well here you see some capsized thoughts that couldn't navigate their way from your mouth to your brain so they spilt our your ears and drowned our makeshift rowboat in a stain glass ocean.
(i love the tree top balcony image, internal rhyme of 'bit/ship/chip' is really good, but the line kinda blands out at the end with the "of no value to me." the language is so beautiful, and then it drips to something very bland. 'sailors/whalers' is another good rhyme, and then the ship/whale comparision is ****ing great. then the rest of this is just great. its very brand-newish that you are writing with the ships, but you take a bit more chances than they do. congrats)

Hello apple seed eyes,
hello deep sea diver.
you veins are cold
your face is blue
your coral lover has departed
good morning driftwood
(this is so beautiful and well put together. simple, and ends strong)

welcome,
tourist.
(awesome. badass. i really liked this. youve got some skills man)



there is your crit.
#3
haha thanks a lot.
i dont really consider this similiar to brand new, i know they have a song about a sinking ship but this isnt related to that story at all and there are many songs about sinking ships and ships but my whole plot line to this series varies a lot
#4
We built ourself a tree top balcony
over looking some two bit pirate ship filled with chests of casino chips which were
of no value to me. <-- killer internal rhyming here, it WORKS!!
The sea sick sailors had an affinity for masquerading as roundabout Irish whalers
but the ship was spouting water through a blow hole in the middle of the deck
where everyone was leaning over each others shoulders with
giraffe'd necks<--- great, subtle rhyming, totally unexpected and rather amazing.
comparing the amounts of their fools gold paychecks. <-- best line in the piece, for sure
Well here you see some capsized thoughts that couldn't navigate their way from your mouth to your brain so they spilt our your ears and drowned our makeshift rowboat in a stain glass ocean.<-- cool, some weird imagery. "from mouth to brain?" am I missing something, or isn't it supposed to be the other way around? is that the point?

Hello apple seed eyes,
hello deep sea diver.
You veins are cold,
your face is blue,
your coral lover has departed.
Good morning driftwood;

Welcome,
tourist.

Great stuff, you've got some absolutely brilliant lines in here. As a whole, I like the second Marrow Ocean better, but you've got killer rhyming combinations and excellent ideas. I really, really dug it. : )

If you want, I posted a new one - Cursive. It's not in my sig yet, but it should be on the front page. Thanks bro.
#5
thank a lot.
yeah it was supposed to be brain to mouth i fixed that, and ill get to your piece soon
#6
Quote by rushmore
this is the part of the story the where main character is capsized and after sinking he drifts onto this random island. so theres a lot of symbolism (driftwood, ect).
this one is a lot different than the other pieces but idk, it doesnt have as many one liners but i like how its put together.


We built ourself a tree top balcony
over looking some two bit pirate ship filled with chests of casino chips which were
of no value to me. Overlooking is one word. Two-bit should be dashed. I don't really like "which were of no value to me" but I do like the rhyme with balcony so I can forgive that.
The sea sick sailors had an affinity for masquerading as roundabout Irish whalers
but the ship was spouting water through a blow hole in the middle of the deck I'm not sure about this. It seemed really clever, but also didn't really add anything to the story. It also flows better without these lines... something like "The sea sick sailors leaned over each other's shoulders with/giraffe'd necks (love that phrase by the way)/looking through a blow hole spouting water in the middle of the deck/comparing...". Not saying you should do that line, but a similar revision would be effective.
where everyone was leaning over each others shoulders with
giraffe'd necks
comparing the amounts of their fools gold paychecks.
Well here you see some capsized thoughts that couldn't navigate their way from your brain to your mouth so they spilt our your ears and drowned our makeshift rowboat in a stain glass ocean. StainED glass. "Their way" is just fluff. I don't like how you suddenly shifted from first to second person here. Who are you talking to? Should be OUT not "our your". Probably should be "this stained glass ocean" not "a" since you're on a specific ocean.

Hello apple seed eyes,
hello deep sea diver.
You veins are cold,
your face is blue,
your coral lover has departed.
Good morning driftwood;

Welcome,
tourist.

Okay, my only problem with this ending is that I felt like the entire thing should have been in quotations. I didn't enjoy how you just shifted the point of view to what I saw, three different types and people.


Overall I liked it. On it's own it wouldn't be very strong, but in a set of stories it is a good transitional piece. It's clever. The only things I noticed were smallish mistakes that you just need to work on replacing, such as only adding things that have meaning and staying in a point of view that makes sense. These are mistakes that everyone has and sometimes still does make. You're one of the best newer writers on this site. Really excellent ideas. Good work.

edit: Oops I made a comment that must've seemed really stupid up there, but really I just forgot to add something in. Actually I disagree with it now, ignore my comment about the whaler/blowhole line. I do think it's wordy but I didn't mean you should cut it.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at Mar 5, 2007,
#7
Quote by rushmore


We built ourself a tree top balcony
overlooking some two-bit pirate ship filled with chests of casino chips which were
of no value to me.
The sea sick sailors had an affinity for masquerading as roundabout Irish whalers
but the ship was spouting water through a blow hole in the middle of the deck
where everyone was leaning over each others shoulders with
giraffe'd necks
comparing the amounts of their fools gold paychecks.

I have no clue how you'd make these lyrics to a sng, but that's great there as poetry. Symbolism works perfectly, i love all the comparisons of humans to animals.


Well here you see some capsized thoughts that couldn't navigate their way from your brain to your mouth so they spilt out your ears and drowned our makeshift rowboat in a stained glass ocean.

ohmygosh. I had to type that so fast i couldn't press the spacebar. That's how amazing this is. I never even though of something like this. Like, i'm incorporating more of this symbolism into my writing. Still have no clue how it's going to be lyrics, but whatever, it's good writing.


Hello apple seed eyes,
hello deep sea diver.
You veins are cold,
your face is blue,
your coral lover has departed.
Good morning driftwood;

The first two or three lines are in shadow of the last two. Your coral lover has departed is so wonderful, it makes the first two lines seem like filler, but perhaps they're just a setup for the end.


Welcome,
tourist.

This is...well...two words. Yeah. I like how it gives away who this is about but it's not really needed, it's also not a problem.


Fan freaking tastic. I thank you for putting these ideas in my head. Seems like an Isaac Brock and Ben Gibbard style mix.
#8
thanks a lot both of you i will work on your pieces more after work. or crit them i mean whatever.
#9
i just reread my criticism and i accidentally said I liked Marrow Ocean II better.. I meant marrow ocean I. sorry for the confusion Rushmore.
#10
This is a crit on that one line in the brackets but i do like the whole series too I just got no time.


You can keep them coming cuz I dont see an end to this gotcha by the seat of the pants lyrics trip. Could the makeshift row boat actually be the mechanism of writting and then having other people read and crit, like a pull foward and than back, you write I write, The you go on to say you feel your writting has failed by drowing in fear, fear that is called a stain glass ocean, another meaning could be like stain glass is in a church of course and an ocean could be well if you "surf" the net whose not say the net is the ocean.... So the stained glass ocean is religiously staring at a computer screen and now working backwords that religiously staring into the screen has poured into your eyes and thats where the disconnection between your mouth and your mind is happening.

yeah your song "is happening" good one thanks
#11
^ry animal you are kinda close but not really.
the beginning part is the main characters narration and then it switches to just the plain narrator and he is speaking about the main character. i will explain further what the bracketed part means later after i get more crits.
and silence this definitely is a transitional piece in the story just to re set the scenery and ect.
#12
Good to see you're still going! I especially like the bit with the fool's gold paychecks. And nobody noticing the destruction of their vessel due to their avarice, really makes people think. Again, the "cold view" of the overall narrator really strikes me. Still reminded me of Clive Barker's Abarat. You ever read it?
Not quite as machine-gun metaphorical as the first two, which detracts slightly from the aura of surrealism but works fine because it's putting down a path for "The Sailor" or whatever his name may be. Can't wait for the next one!

Oh and I put another one of mine up just now, check it out!
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=539271
#13
thanks ill be getting to all of yours i missed today.
and no ive never read that abarat piece maybe ill check him/it out though.
#15
i will be posting the 4th part of the series tonight most likely, so any last crits welcome and thanks trig ill get to anything you have posted.
#16
For me this was a decent change in structure, and content. This piece read so well, although, I wasn't keen on the part in paraenthesis for what its worth, just seemed very uninventive and bland compared to what you could have done with it.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.