#1
hey everyone, ive seen alot of brilliant lyrics and prose in these forums, so i thought i'd give it a try. Im only 17 but having a shit time at the moment so heres my thoughts....

*I stupidly posted this earlier with a title that broke the forum rules, but thanks to Revark for his comments, much appreciated!*

The End Forever

She said,
'We can't save this anymore',
But I don't think you trying,
Say them words again but,
This time like you mean it

Slide your hand,
Across the table
Just as I lose my grip on you
You created a scene
But don't mind me

Chorus
Keep hoping, (Keep hoping)
It's all we've got to hold onto
Where lonely tears fall in lonely places
This is not a secret
It's a scar

Hold my breath,
To stop me from going under
When everything around us is broke
Give your sympathy for free
But your love will cost me deep

I never said
This was going to be easy
Your eyes as heavy as your heart
A rush of blood to the head,
A photograph of someone dead

Chorus
Keep hoping, (Keep hoping)
It's all we've got to hold onto
Where lonely tears fall in lonely places
This is not a secret
It's a scar

I've learnt from my mistakes,
Have you learnt from yours?
Heres my head at you feet,
Face down on the floor (x4)
Last edited by vindapop at Mar 5, 2007,
#2
*Revalk

No worries. To reiterate: good job
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#3
The End Forever

She said,
'We can't save this anymore',
But I don't think your trying,
Say them words again but,
This time like you mean it
I like those two lines! i can relate to them

Slide your hand,
Across the table
Just as I lose my grip on you
You created a scene
But don't mind me
This is a pretty bad line it doesnt make much sense! try to add more meaning

Chorus
Keep hoping, (Keep hoping)
It's all we've got to hold onto
Where lonely tears fall in lonely places Love this line maybe edit out the first lonely as i think it would add to the line
This is not a secret
It's a scar
Your chorus is pretty damn good if im honest it has rhythm and meaning

Hold my breath,nice
To stop me from going under
When everything around us is broke
Give your sympathy for free
Love these lines especially the sympathy for free
But your love will cost me deep not as fond of this line 'cost me deep doesnt sound right'

I never said
This was going to be easy
Your eyes as heavy as your heartIntersting but freakish metaphor not sure if i like it
A rush of blood to the head,
A photograph of someone deadhmmm

Chorus
Keep hoping, (Keep hoping)
It's all we've got to hold onto
Where lonely tears fall in lonely places
This is not a secret
It's a scar

I've learnt from my mistakes,
Have you learnt from yours?
Heres my head at your feet,
Face down on the floor (x4) if the repeatsare fading out then itll be great


Love the song! good for your first time! Definitely room for improvement though try to have more meaning and not just whatever rhymes or fits the rhythm

Sorry im such an Anal raper when it comes to crits

-Peace out
#4
thanks alot grundy, i definately take your ideas on board and i will definately edit most of them in
The last section does fade out (or i had planned to) but i forgot to add it in AND I've just noticed Ive put the title of the thread 'The End With You', rather than The End Forever'!
#5
You created a scene
But don't mind me
This is a pretty bad line it doesnt make much sense! try to add more meaning
Personally, these were my favourite two lines of the song. "You created a scene" gives you this expectation of something huge, and then "But don't mind me" brings in your view of your place in the situation... It's a huge contrast. I like it a lot.
Main Gear:
Cort G-Series 254
Takamine EG345C 12-String
Fender Squier P-Bass

Peavey Classic 50
Laney HCM65B

$75 Junk Drums w/ B8 Hats/Crash/Ride
#7
Quote by Revalk
Personally, these were my favourite two lines of the song. "You created a scene" gives you this expectation of something huge, and then "But don't mind me" brings in your view of your place in the situation... It's a huge contrast. I like it a lot.


thats more or less exactly what them lines meen

i dont write songs with no meaning, i dont think anybody does. The meaning could be personal to the writer or just mean something to some people and not to others, thats the beauty of writing lyrics
#8
thanks for your criticisms and praise, all taken on board for my next lyrics :-)