#1
not too sure about this one.

i think i kind of like the first stanza but i'm
not so sure about the rest of the poem,
especially the second and fourth stanzas.
but i think this might be really horrible?
i really don't know though. you tell me.
i know there's a lot i can improve on,
so please tell me what i need to fix.


sunken ships.

when we fell into decadence,
we grasped at emerald chains,
but my eyes spilled turpentine and
filled your joints with paper cranes.
our smiles were shaped by wire hangers
pressed against our threadbare lips,
our tongues stayed stiff as ribs,
our hearts stayed sunken ships.

we climbed their masts and burned their sails,
began to speak in broken braille,
and stuttered "SOS" under our breath.
you were an icicle turned lachrymal,
you started to spit steel wool,
and you shivered 'til you fell to the ocean floor.

so you slept with empty treasure chests
at the bottom of the sea,
and i almost left you there to drown.


but the coral reef breathed pesticide
and called upon the toxic tide
to paint my body cocaine white
and pull it from the fissured sky,
down to the hallowed depths
of the vinegar atlantic,
where orange peels rest
on the floor like sunken ships.

and while i became an anchor dragged
to the bottom of the sea,
we turned ourselves into a tempest.


and that's when my cigarette
stopped tasting like peppermint.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Mar 6, 2007,
#2
sunken ships.

when we fell into decadence,
we grasped at emerald chains,
but my eyes spilled turpentine and
filled your joints with paper cranes.
our smiles were shaped by wire hangers
pressed against our threadbare lips,
our tongues stayed stiff as ribs,
our hearts stayed sunken ships.

yeah definitely liked this stanza the best... cant find anything wrong in it... nice.

we climbed their masts and burnt their sails,
began to speak in broken braille,
and stuttered "SOS" under our breath.
you were an icicle turned lachrymal,
you started to spit steel wool,
and you shivered 'til you fell to the ocean floor.

this one seems to have some flow problems as far as i can see.... specifically line 3... line 5 seems off at first, but the length of line 6 balances it out... other than that good stanza... great ideas in it.

so you slept with empty treasure chests
at the bottom of the sea,
and i almost left you there to drown.

cool... i like it.

but the coral reef breathed pesticide
and called upon the starving tide
to paint my body cocaine white
and drag it from the fissured sky
down to the ocean's depths.

i think you could come up with something better than "starving" here... something that would maybe tie the line in to either pesticide or painting? ... and with the last line too... i think you could be more creative/illustrative than "depths".

and while i became an anchor dragged
to the bottom of the sea,
we turned ourselves into a tempest.

once again i like this.

and that's when my cigarette
stopped tasting like peppermint.

i love this ending... great job on it.

overall i thought this was quite good... couldnt find anything majorly wrong with it... good job.

i'm gonna post something new in a couple minutes if you wouldnt mind checking it out.
#3
the flow is weird in the second stanza,
but when it's read the way it's meant to,
it actually flows and reads pretty well i think?

BUT. thank you very much.

EDIT: fixed it up a bit.

I just want to sleep forever.


Last edited by Grovermans at Mar 5, 2007,
#5
Kyle you know the score you're not exempt of the rules.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
ugh. okay. can i just delete that post
and let it go back to where it was then?

I just want to sleep forever.


#9
sunken ships.

when we fell into decadence,
we grasped at emerald chains,
but my eyes spilled turpentine and
filled your joints with paper cranes.
Too much imagery, I think. And I'm getting tired of origami imagery.
our smiles were shaped by wire hangers
Passive voice, Kylie.
pressed against our threadbare lips,
our tongues stayed stiff as ribs,
our hearts stayed sunken ships.
Good last couplet.

we climbed their masts and burnt their sails,
"Burned". Burnt is a past participle.
began to speak in broken braille,
and stuttered "SOS" under our breath.
I grow weary of your paradoxes.
you were an icicle turned lachrymal,
you started to spit steel wool,
and you shivered 'til you fell to the ocean floor.
I think you need to use more narrative to tie your story together, because your images just come one after another and they aren't cohesive enough.

so you slept with empty treasure chests
at the bottom of the sea,
and i almost left you there to drown.

Fine, nothing I would change.

but the coral reef breathed pesticide
and called upon the toxic tide
to paint my body cocaine white
Ever seen cocaine, Kyle?
and pull it from the fissured sky,
down to the hallowed depths
of the vinegar atlantic,
Okay, I like this.
where orange peels rest
on the floor like sunken ships.
This too.

and while i became an anchor dragged
to the bottom of the sea,
we turned ourselves into a tempest.

Sort of an odd paradox. How can one be an anchor and half a tempest at the same time?

and that's when my cigarette
stopped tasting like peppermint.
Sure.

The reason I'm not so keen on this poem is just that you sort of drop the reader in medias res and I just feel like some background information would be really beneficial. It's fun to write the imagery, sure, but it doesn't make this poem very durable.

I'd appreciate it if you could check mine out.
#10
thanks a lot, evan.
that was helpful.

well. helpful for future references.
i don't think i can really fix this piece
in the aspects that you pointed out.

I just want to sleep forever.


#11
Alright Kyle, I'm not on my computer and this PC is horrible so I won't say much now. But I didn't really enjoy this much.

The problem is that you're trying so hard to write clever imagery and metaphors that nothing is being conveyed. The poem isn't cohesive or very coherent. Your metaphors and imagery have nothing to do with each other. Take the ending couplet for example: you come out of nowhere mentioning a cigarette when you hadn't before mentioned smoke, smoking, tobacco, or anything of the sort. Additionally, some of your metaphors are so obscure that I doubt they even mean anything, you just thought they sounded cool. Even further, some of your metaphors don't make sense (the ones Evan pointed out as paradoxes, in addition to some others). You can't justify senseless metaphors by saying, "It's a METAPHOR!" (I think I remember you saying that.)

There is much value in imagery, metaphor, and even paradox, but not how you presented them. A poem should make sense, but when you constantly throw layers of hallowed ten-ton words into the ship, it's content sinks.

That's what happened here, I think. You should stick to metaphors and images that relate to each other in a single poem for the time being. The ending couplet could be excellent if you adapted it to a poem it relates to.
#12
^^That's pretty much the way I felt about the piece. You've got great skill with words, but you need to work on stringing them together into a cohesive whole.