#1
I Always Knew That Fairies Were Double Agents


I tried to put my hair up into a ponytail,
but then amnesia bowed out
and I realized that I shaved my head bald yesterday,
(I've never had enough hair for a ponytail anyways)
so I spent an afternoon waving in a senior citizens parade.
This left my mind in the gutter,
so I lifted my stare to the telephone wires,
and the pigeons that chose them,
as their tail feathers caught fire.
Safe to say, my mind was no longer in the gutter.
(though I did learn where the expression came from)
Still looking for an easy number,
I sauntered off with ground to cover.
The next place I looked was under my pillow.
I don't know why,
the only thing I found there was twenty dollars,
and now I'm missing all of my teeth.
Last edited by bassbeat77 at Mar 5, 2007,
#2
Quote by bassbeat77
I Always Knew That Fairies Were Double Agents


I tried to put my hair up into a ponytail
but then I realized that I shaved my head bald yesterday,

I think you would remember and not realize shaving your head, also you phrased that awkwardly.

(I've never had enough hair for a ponytail anyways)

Would it be I've or I?

so I spent an afternoon waving in a senior citizens parade.
Safe to say, this left my mind in the gutter,
so I lifted my stare to the telephone wires,
and my mind was no longer in the gutter.

You used the mind in the gutter thing too close together, you need to remove the second one or lengthen the part between them.

(though I did learn where the expression came from)
Still looking for an easy number,
I sauntered off with ground to cover.
The next place I looked was under my pillow.
I don't know why,
the only thing I found there was twenty dollars,
and now I'm missing all of my teeth.

Pretty good ending.


Nice piece.

Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#3
i'll start with saying that I despise the recent UG movement towards long and terrible titles that, although do provide a hook, make me want to hate the piece from the get-go. They're incredibly pretentious and often show just how contrived and fake a piece is.

other than that, the piece was alright. i saw much of the randomness that can be mistaken as artistic talent when it really is randomness. sorry to be so harsh, the entire thing just felt contrived, from title to final line.

apologies for being an asshole.
#4
thanks Alk... i made some of the suggested changes... any better?

and Punch... no worries man... I know the whole title thing is a bad habit of mine... i have trouble being creative with titles without making them long like that... one of many things to work on.... and as for the randomness... it was basically random... when I run out of good ideas to write about, i write a random piece just to keep things going... i posted this one kind of as a trial to see how it went.

thanks for your opinions both of you.
#5
Yeah it's better, I really like the amnesia bowed out line. Oh yeah, I forgot to say in my post... I think this would work better as prose. I think it would read easier. As it is it's kind of an awkward read.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#6
That was a good ending and I feel that the whole story/song revolved around memory loss, basically u admit it right away and then talk about seniors, and your mind in a gutter, and looking under a pilow but you didnt know why and then you find your teeth missing. You really would be messed up if you didnt know how you lost your teeth. You would be in great pain unless you found a way to ignore the pain to such a degree you could fall asleep with it.
#7
i agree with tigger.

i honestly saw no coherence in that piece.
i mean. it wasn't terrible or anything and
some lines i could see working together,
but for the most part, it seemed like a bunch
of pseudo-witty one-liners that just didn't work
when put all together into one individual piece.

sorry to be harsh, but i really didn't like it.

I just want to sleep forever.


#8
no problem... like i said, it was just a trial... i'm trying to expand a little bit... but now i know that it didnt work... maybe i'll use pieces of it for something more coherent in the future.