#1
C4C. This is ots, not that good. Heading more in the direction I want to go, and yet... not. Different than anything else I've written in a while.


Notes.

Tear me from the notebook page that you've been passing to all your friends.
Give up that ball-point-pen wit in exchange for a heart and conscience,
gossip can't be the only thing you're good at.

Maybe you're Est-
Maybe I'm P-


Folded as fourths and rolled into your pocket, I will be stifled and suffocated.
At the very least, I will keep the pennies you love to collect,
off patient pavement, company, perhaps even steal their luck.

I never had
great expec-
for life anyways.


Hang me from the cord, dripping off of the light on your ceiling.
I will gaze at your fan, and sway to the pseudo-breeze.
All the time keeping tabs on the number of cars, just because they are free.

Taking risks I
lost everyt-
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Mar 6, 2007,
#2
Notes.

Tear me from the notebook paper that you've been passing to all your friends.
Give up your ball-point-pen wit in exchange for a heart and conscience,
gossip can't be the only thing you're good at.

i think that maybe "page" would work better then "paper here... just seems more natural.... i like the rest though.

Maybe you're Est-
Maybe I'm P-

Fold me into fourths and roll me into your pocket to stifle and suffocate.
At the very least, I will keep the pennies you love to collect,
off patient pavement, company, perhaps even steal their luck.

the double use of "into" doesnt sit well with me... once again i like the rest.

I never had
great expec-
for life anyways.

Hang me by the cord that drips from the light on your ceiling.
I will gaze at your fan, and sway from the pseudo-breeze,
and keep tabs on the number of cars, just because they are free.

the first line here seems like it could be phrased better... first off i think "from" would sound better than "by", but to do that you'd have to change the end of the line so that you dont use "from" twice.... i guess "by" works.

Taking risks I
lost everyt-


this was cool... a good length i think... and i like the unfinished words... adds a nice touch.

thanks for the crit on mine too.
#3
Thanks bassbeat.

I edited it to make it slightly less ots.

Any more?
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.