#1
Hey this is my first song so meh its prolly not too good. Its about an Ex who I still have feelings for so its kinda emo... Also its a work in progress so its
kinda short

(verse)
In the dark
I close my eyes
I'm giving up
After countless tries
To win you back
To win your heart
To keep trying
Is not too smart
When all it brings
Is fruitless (sp) pain
Gotta give up now
or i'll go insane

(speak) Aww hell...

(chorus)
I just wanna hear you say
My name
My name
From your lips
My name
My name
Please say that you love me


When I hear your voice
Or see your face
I think back to
A happier place
A place I know
That I felt fine
A place I knew
That you were mine
But now he's here
Hes here to stay
I just want
to waste away

I just want to hear you say
My name
My name
From your lips
Need to hear you say
My name
My name
Please say that you love me
Please say that you love me


Blue = Old

Red = New

Thats what I have so far. Im fine tuning the chord progression. I will post it up when its done
Last edited by Masterpiece2 at Mar 10, 2007,
#2
its not bad at all. without music along with it i cant tell how emo itll be.

(speak) Aww hell...

sounds kinda lame. but it could work either way. for instance if its like a faster rock song it could work well. but if its a soft melodic number, someone speaking "aww hell.." would ruin it. the strong point in here is definitly the verse. crit for crit? its in my sig.
#3
Quote by thundrstruk891
its not bad at all. without music along with it i cant tell how emo itll be.

(speak) Aww hell...

sounds kinda lame. but it could work either way. for instance if its like a faster rock song it could work well. but if its a soft melodic number, someone speaking "aww hell.." would ruin it. the strong point in here is definitly the verse. crit for crit? its in my sig.


i kinda figured that part didnt fit but i need a way to transition from saying im giving up to saying i need u to say i love you
#4
Quote by Masterpiece2
Hey this is my first song so meh its prolly not too good. Its about an Ex who I still have feelings for so its kinda emo... Also its a work in progress so its
kinda short

(verse)
In the dark
I close my eyes
I'm giving up
After countless tries
To win you back
To win your heart
To keep trying
Is not too smart
When all it brings
Is fruitless (sp) pain
Gotta give up now
or i'll go insane

(speak) Aww hell...

(chorus)
I just wanna hear you say
My name
My name
From your lips
My name
My name
Please say that you love me

Thats all i got. Please tell me what you think.


The first verse is nice, the second could use work with the flow.
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God bless the underdog and God bless the antihero.
#5
the verse gets lame when you say "is not too smart." I know it rhymes, but i'd axe it anyway. Nifty chorus though. it's a little cliche but you could pull it off if you sing it well.

where's the rest?
#6
Quote by ndakasimba
the verse gets lame when you say "is not too smart." I know it rhymes, but i'd axe it anyway. Nifty chorus though. it's a little cliche but you could pull it off if you sing it well.

where's the rest?

I agree. I think it's pretty good for a first song I think you should add at least a second verse though.
#7
Quote by Masterpiece2


(verse)
In the dark
I close my eyes
I'm giving up
After countless tries
To win you back
To win your heart
To keep trying
Is not too smart
When all it brings
Is fruitless (sp) pain
Gotta give up now
or i'll go insane
I really like the use of fruitless in here, which is why I don't like the common bland word pain after it. I'd substitute it for a better synonym, other wise I really like this stanza.
(speak) Aww hell...
I don't really like this Aww hell part because, it doesn't really say anything
(chorus)
I just wanna hear you say
My name
My name
From your lips
My name
My name
Please say that you love me
This is my favorite part of the song, if you're gonna keep any of it keep this, even though it sounds unoriginal I like it.
Thats all i got. Please tell me what you think.


there is my crit...yo
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#8
You've definitly captured the waning stages of desperation in this song. The lyricism is very present with it's defined rhyme. You've done a very good job of capturing the transition from emotion to emotion in one clear picture. The simplistic imagery does well to emphasize the introspective aspect in your song.

You could easily put this to music. Good job.
#9
masterpeice, could you crit mine, very chapped?
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#10
Thanks for all the help guys. Im in the middle of writing a second verse and general tweaking. Also I have an idea as to what im going to play when i sing it. Im thinking about a simple quiet chord progession to play. When I finish both of them Ill post them up.
#11
Hey Masterpiece. This song is really good. Like thundrstruk891 said, this could go either way...either emo/rock sounding or depressing acoustic. I'd love to hear it as acoustic myself.

Here's what I'd change...

(verse)
In the dark
I close my eyes
I'm giving up
After countless tries
To win you back
To win your heart
To keep trying
Is not too smart Maybe you could change this to "Could tear me apart" or something
When all it brings
Is fruitless (sp) pain
Gotta give up now
or i'll go insane Take out the "I'll" it will flow better

(speak) Aww hell... I can't see this line working well in the song. I like the idea of having a short spoken phrase, but this one lacks emotion.

(chorus)
I just wanna hear you say
My name
My name
From your lips
My name
My name
Please say that you love me I like this chorus. I think someone said it was a little cliche, but that's not always a bad thing. I like this part of your song

-- I think that you if you start the song out slow and depressing and add some aggression in the strumming during the chorus, this song could show both sadness and anger, which are two emotions I believe you're trying to convey; am I right? I would love to hear this when it's finished. Good luck on this.

Peace, Anthony
#12
(verse)
In the dark
I close my eyes
I'm giving up
After countless tries
To win you back
To win your heart
To keep trying
Could tear me apart
When all it brings
Is fruitless (sp) pain
Gotta give up now
or go insane

(speak)(Im leaving this in there for now cause I still want to say something here just havent figured out what.)

(chorus)
I just wanna hear you say
My name
My name
From your lips
My name
My name
Please say that you love me

Updated version .... just added what u guys said to add
I have almost got the chords ready to be put in ill reupdate when i get that at least satisfactory.

I must say I am suprised that you guys liked my chorus. Its the part that I didnt like when I read it to myself.
#13
Quote by Masterpiece2
Hey this is my first song so meh its prolly not too good. Its about an Ex who I still have feelings for so its kinda emo... Also its a work in progress so its
kinda short

(verse)
In the dark
I close my eyes
I'm giving up
After countless tries
To win you back
To win your heart
To keep trying
Is not too smart
When all it brings
Is fruitless (sp) pain
Gotta give up now
or i'll go insane

this is all pretty boring rhyme and there is no substance since you limit yourself greatly with the rhyming. i thought the fruitless line had potential until i read that it was 'fruitless pain'. all these are pretty bland/cliche ways to describe these emotions and nothing is expressed in a creative way

(speak) Aww hell...

(chorus)
I just wanna hear you say
My name
My name
From your lips
My name
My name
Please say that you love me

again idk. this is nothing special and nothing terrible its just there. all of this is pretty cliche and could be worked out a lot better

Thats all i got. Please tell me what you think.



creativity will come with time if you keep writing and practicing but for this piece there isnt much to say but keep trying
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=540008
heres my piece if you can just give it a bump and say if you like it or not
#14
Heres what I got. I added and revised alot.

My Name

In the dark
I close my eyes
Im giving up
After countless tries
To win you back
To win your heart
To keep trying
Will tear me apart
When all it brings
Is fruitless strain
gotta give up now
or go insane

I just want to hear you say
My name
My name
From your lips
My name
My name
Please say that you love me

When I hear your voice
Or see your face
I think back to
A happier place
A place I know
That I felt fine
A place I knew
That you were mine
But now he's here
Hes here to stay
I just want
to waste away

I just want to hear you say
My name
My name
From your lips
Need to hear you say
My name
My name
Please say that you love me
Please say that you love me

Thats all I got
Im still fine tuning the Chords. I will update when I figure that part out.
Crit for Crit you know how I do it.
#15
aw. i liked the "Aww hell" part.
it kinda reminded me of old my chemical romance. like, pre-black parade.
i could see it working.
anyway, i really liked this. great work.
The only truly consistent people are dead people.

#16
Quote by darkangel322
aw. i liked the "Aww hell" part.
it kinda reminded me of old my chemical romance. like, pre-black parade.
i could see it working.
anyway, i really liked this. great work.


your the first to like it... I dont like it any more though so I scraped it.
#17
I think the chord progression will be something along the lines of G-D-Em-A for the verse. And I think that it will be just one strum per beat nothing fancy. Tell me what you think.
#18
Quote by Masterpiece2
I think the chord progression will be something along the lines of G-D-Em-A for the verse. And I think that it will be just one strum per beat nothing fancy. Tell me what you think.

You should definitly do more than one strum per beat especially if you're playing by yourself. You gotta keep the song going.
#19
I really liked it.. the first part was the best then it jsut got to long i think :S i saw it as a short very fast song.. but it was good and I think if you can get hte right music for it.. it will be great!
There are two types of music, good music and bad music.

Don't let anyone tell YOU what good music is. Make up your own mind
#20
Instead of having one strum per beat maybe something along the lines of 1 2 4+
Tell me what you think