#1
Hey everyone, I'm pretty new to the forums but I'm into all things music so I thought I'd fit in pretty well. But I'm posting a song I'm working on and I'd just like some feedback. I'm trying to make it a psychadelic piece so, I hope you enjoy it.


We Walk Through the Trees

So for what does this malice proceed,
To proceed with being free,
Free in the trees,
So light like life,
But heavy like guilt,
For whom do we see when being in the trees,
Something thought to be so free only to be tricked to fear,
(Lean away he’s clearly deaf in that ear.)
Afraid of the leaves on the ground,
We mock the happiness that they have found,
(It’s a lovely day my dear to live a life of fear.)
We just can’t be happy on this ground,
Please leave us be when we flock through the trees,
That’s so cute dearies,
How about some strawberries,
Picked straight off the vine,
Ready to warp your mind,
Not this time for I enjoy my mind,
It’s a wonderful thing of mine,
Poppycock I say of your lies and your woes,
(Sure enough granny knows.)
It’s not like the last lie,
We swear to God granny dear,
But we’re tired of the fear we feel when we are down here,
Away from the love of the trees,
No bees in these ones,
Oh my Ambience Pie!
Don’t be so greedy,
Share when we dine,
If you don’t mind,
And we even have the murmurers over here,
(The laughter builds as it may)
*Laughter hits its climax.*
Stop!
Continue as we may,
We don’t want that shit hay,
You can feast all day,
Become fat and die as you may,
But leave us here to stay,
In the trees to be so free,
(Why does he hold his thumb up like that?)
Isn’t it a crime to hold your mouth up so wide,
Not if your as creative as me,
Oh then I see,
Does your courage fail just when you cry,
(Why there is no need)
No need indeed,
To be at ease,
Happiness should be kept in the trees,
Only reality down here,
Now come back down,
You won’t be afraid this time.
(Welcome back)
#2
i hardly have the time to read all of that, but from what i got from skimming it seems nice! most of the time you have these queermetal-obsessed people writing lyrics with a thesaurus in one hand expressing twisted ideas with pointless gongorism
#3
Well I just skimmed but what I saw was good. Its pretty simple, so you dont feel like your being drownd in crazy words, and I like that, and besides that it seems to follow a solid path and not stretch out to far, i also liked that. Goodjob.
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
I'm Just a Box in a Cage
#5
Your rhymed mind with mind.

I didnt read the whole thing but will point out that the piece lacks because of the poor rhyme. It seems you added rhyme to rhyme without it adding to the piece. Poetry and songs do not have to rhyme. Sure, you can add internal rhyme and a few add rhymes for the sake of flow and adding a neat little ditty but this is forced and takes away from it.