#1
I was sitting on my bed and this started running through my head. Its not really lyrics... I just kind of read it like it was a Dr. Seuss book. IDK crit if you please I will return the favor... This might be kind of weird...

Another Day on The corner of 4th and 5th Street

On the corner of 4th and 5th street,
The moon is out at 6 o'clock pm,
Im 7 years old now, and on my feet,
Pondering life's branches and stems...

My brain is like 8 monkeys jumping around,
Like a 9 seater roller-coaster racing up, down
And yet I cannot place my place this place,
Maybe I should look at my life with a different face?

My shoes have 10 laces on them.
My jeans are too long even with a hem.
But my smile is too large even for my face,
Maybe I should close my mouth for my grace.

But alas, 11 steps lead me away from my house,
My brain is constantly playing cat and mouse and
I cannot place my place in this place and yet,
I continue to walk on the corner of 4th and 5th.

12 months are in one year and still,
In one day my dreams are fufilled,
I seem to trip on my laces even when,
I am sleeping without a thought of them.

But today is today and yet I still stay
13 feet away from my hideaway,
Thats my house if I didnt clearly say,
But I'll continue on anyway.

Whats different about this day, today
Is I see a manhole peeping 14 steps away,
And in that hole is a man, but not any
What caught my eye was very uncanny

He is 15 inches tall, and 16 hundred years old,
He has said 17 words to me that I can recall,
He spoke them to me when I had a great fall,
Into the manhole of a short man but yet so bold.

"Dont worry about yourself,
And dont worry about me,
The sun will send it's help.
You will see."

I never understood untill today as I stood,
Outside in my run down neighbourhood,
And as the sun shined down upon my hat,
I raise my arms and the rays lifted me aloof,
And suddenly I was off with a crack and poof,
And once more I landed on my bottom.

In front of me this time was a tree,
18 feet taller than all that is me,
And yet It was certainly not daunting.
And suddenly, it leaned over to see
What had landed in this abstract scene.

"My my whats this,
yet another gift?
The sun must love
The view from above..

She sees all problems,
Yours and others,
She helps solve them!

She sends them all to me,
For I am the mediator to be,
I know what you are and why!
Heres the answers to your questions:
Anytime you are troubled and cannot bear
The bare truth, look to the sky
and think, There is someone
out there waiting for me,
Dont ruin your fun,
Milk is there for spoiling."

And so the milk spoiled,
I let my dreams unfold,
My innovations are not foiled
My success is yet to be told.


Meh...
#2
I liked the way you had the numbers in order but im slightly ocd so i would. I think the rhymes were a bit forced in parts but over all very good work... better than I could do
Good Job 7/10
#3
awesome not a song in anyway but as you described it like a creepy doctor suess i ****in loved it. I could sense a sense of paranoia almsot that really made the piece stand out. if you turned a song in this style everyone would be awestruck
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#5
I really do like the sequential numbers you have going on, i love it, but what threw me off was the forced rhymes and the rhythm of the piece. The forced rhymes wasnt a big issue but the choppiness in rhythm was annoying, like in the first stanza, instead of "o'clock" just take that word at and leave it as 6 pm, that sounds better, personally. Just look into stuff like that, and it would make this more readable and easily sung. I think...


not much of a crit but you can crit mine if you want.

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=539927
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know