#1
Jester of Death
Comedic Killer
Laissez-faire
Is what I declare

Straggler in the mud
Meander along the sludge
Kicked at each and every bend
Pilgrim left to self-fend

Jester of Death
Comedic Killer
Blood or Bone
Sticks or Stone

Shard of glass
Pierced his heart
You kicked him
Wretched since the start

Jester of Death
Comedic Killer
Veering to the right
You sheepishly lead them to finality

Jester of Death
Comedic Killer
Affinity with Macbeth
Vengeance not so sweet


It's definately not the best thing ever written, but I like it. Could you crit the way it's written, the rhyming etc, rather than just say "X/10"?
Last edited by TheShadow at Mar 6, 2007,
#2
Pretty cool....7.5/10
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#4
Quote by TheShadow
Cheers for that informative crit... What's good/bad about it?


ahaha funny funny man!

Basically, I like your choice of words, the stanza of having Jester of Death/Comedic at the beginning of almost each verse. Maybe a chorus is needed....

It also kind of reminds me of early Metallica. I think if you can nail a decent chorus then it could potentially be very good. And I also like the theme of the song, its dark but kind of humourous in its own way.

Hope that satisfies you

PLOP

EDIT: I forgot to say, that one of my favourite things is the line "Laissez-faire", using another language is an interesting way to and texture and colour to a song, especially as it is relevant, but don't go overboard with it. That first verse IMO is really good as it is
Quote by Aussie_skater
everyone listen to PLOP he knows the way of the forum samurai

Quote by Seth Shadows
^PLOP = Best, username, ever.


REVOCATION FTW! 9/9/9
Last edited by PLOP at Mar 7, 2007,
#5
Haha, cheers. The stanzas with "Jester of Death" etc were meant to be the chorus, just changed slightly. If I wanted to keep it as a chorus, would it work better like it is, or just by sticking with one version, and keeping the second two lines the same each time too?
#6
I am liking this song a lot. I think I caught on that the Jester of death lstanzas were a form of chorus. I just feel like it might be lacking something. Like there is something missing, I dunno what it is I just feel that way. Sorry I know that isn't much help but I like the way the song is structurally.

Good stuff I like it
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#7
Not bad, you manage to keep it fairly simple but don't regress to a completely unsophisticated style. The rhyme structure was kind of predictable but it didn't seem to hinder you TOO much. I just worry because although it's apparent that your working to not sound too cliche it does creep up a bit with the Blood or Bones, Sticks or Stones and Shard of glass pierced his heart lines, I liked this piece, but I'd expect you can write better. Anyway good luck and thanks for the crit.
#8
I liked the lyrics, I like how they're simplistic enough that you can kind of think about what they mean, and it's not all spelled out. The "Laissez-faire" was cool, too, nice way to give the song character. I might throw in another verse, or a bridge or something though.
#9
The last line on the 5th stanza seemed like it was to long, but other than that I have no problems with the song, so well done. I thought the rhyming was decent, and you had some pretty original rhymes in there, especially the last two lines in the first verse. Sorry for such a short and crappy crit and sorry it took me so long to get to this I've felt like crap for the last couple of days.
#10
Cheers for the crits guys. I'm gonna go over it, I've had some crit off other people too, and rewrite parts of it. EG, the last line of the fifth stanza, and the 2nd stanza.
Last edited by TheShadow at Mar 15, 2007,
#11
Thanks for the crit. I appreciate it. I enjoyed reading this piece. Well for one, the flow was excellent. The words just rolled off my tongue. The wording is very good as well, except for...

"Shard of glass
Pierced his heart
You kicked him
Wretched since the start"

Shard of Glass+Pierced his heart= Cliche to the max. (Although I'vbe used shards of glass before, but we all make mistakes.)

Besides that minor flaw, there really is nothing else wrong.
#12
Is cliché good or bad in this context? And cheers for all your crits guys. I'm actually really happy with the way this piece has turned out.
#13
I really liked the rhthym, it was cool.

The repitition of the title works niceley, usually repetition is lame, but this was cool, it kept it going forward strongly.

The use of vocabulary "affinity" "laissez fair" etc, was very nice.

Anyone to crit mine?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=8794894#post8794894
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