#1
Simple piece again, I'm not in the mood to post super-refined pieces, so its another basic one.


From the same mouth as a eulogy

Breached from Augustine climbs.
Clasped palms systematically perforate
pin-holes, for presbyter masses.

Wanting to glide my fingers across your thighs in
church, and
waiting for the whisper to-stop.
She moves like the sea;
a perception so inclined to continue with tides.
It’s nothing but a sentiment, a shallow
measurement of adulation;
the concentration of raindrops in a puddle
as a sign of unification;
I’m only here because she is.

I balance the looks to my sides, once left to
pretend that life is falling from the sky, twice right to
catch a glimpse and smile at
some lady sharing lemon sherbets to pass the time.
For me existence is a chequer board of
nights and days, where
destiny with humans for pieces plays;
I'm sure its just a way to be touched,
yet I still cant reason why I’m here,
I wasn’t looking for saviour here behind this soapbox,
but she found me anyway.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Mar 8, 2007,
#2
ha! so this is a simple one eh?
i'll bet I still won't get it. here goes..

From the same mouth as a eulogy

Breached from Augustine climbs,
clasped palms systematically perforate
pin- <-- nice line break.
holes for presbyter masses.
Wanting to glide my fingers across your thighs in
church, and
waiting for the whisper to-
stop. <--- awesome stuff, really sharp. i wish i'd written this line..
She moves like the sea;
a perception so inclined to continue with tides.
It’s nothing but a sentiment, a shallow
measurement of adulation,
the concentration of raindrops in a puddle
as a sign of unification; <--- really nice. i thought at first that it said "sediment" but it really says "sentiment." hmmm
I’m only here because she is.
I balance the looks to my sides, once left to
pretend the life is falling out the sky, twice right to
catch a glimpse and smile at
some lady sharing lemon sherbets to pass the time.
For me
existence is a chequer board of
nights and days, where
destiny with human for pieces plays; <-- wha? I'd take out "for" so it reads "Destiny with human pieces plays." orrrr add an "s" to the end of "human."
for I still cant reason why I’m here, <--- but you just said you're here because "she is."
I wasn’t looking for saviour here behind this soapbox,
but she found me anyway. <-- sweet ending.

So this was pretty accessible. I think I actually found a mistake *gasp*
Really good stuff though, excellent. That line about touching her thighs in church is spectacular. : )
#3
Thanks man, I owe you like 2 crits at least...I know what to do

The part "for I still cant reason why I’m here" continues from him saying "I’m only here because she is." But he cant find a decent reason, yeah fine hes there cause she is, but its not like he'll get anything from it. Just a look. Then in regards to the "her" in the last line, it might not be 'the girl'.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
As was said, that line about touching her thighs in church is spectacular.

That's really all I have to say. Great piece.
Wade in the water, child.
#6
The checkerboard line used to be in your sig, I believe. Anywho, me gusta, el Steve. I always enjoy a piece that doesn't go over my head (which seems rare these days). Great work, as usual.
-Landon
#7
Breached from Augustine climbs,
clasped palms systematically perforate
pin-
holes for presbyter masses.
Wanting to glide my fingers across your thighs in
church, and (Love this line. Brings back memories.)
waiting for the whisper to-
stop.
She moves like the sea;
a perception so inclined to continue with tides.
It’s nothing but a sentiment, a shallow
measurement of adulation,
the concentration of raindrops in a puddle
as a sign of unification;(Really like the image that brings to me, like a bunch of raindrop soldiers under a hitler raindrop ahah)
I’m only here because she is.
I balance the looks to my sides, once left to
pretend the life is falling out the sky, twice right to
catch a glimpse and smile at
some lady sharing lemon sherbets to pass the time.
For me
existence is a chequer board of
nights and days, where
destiny with humans for pieces plays;
for I still cant reason why I’m here,
I wasn’t looking for saviour here behind this soapbox,
but she found me anyway. (Love the ending. great piece, very crisp, fresh feeling. )
Quote by Yespleasevicar
NevermorePsalm thank you for showing me how clever and witty one person can be in just a few sentances. My God i wanna be like u so much! In fact we all do. Well done

Steven Wilson and Mikael Akerfeldt own my soul.
#8
Quote by The Hurt Within
Simple piece again, I'm not in the mood to post super-refined pieces, so its another basic one.


From the same mouth as a eulogy

Breached from Augustine climbs,
clasped palms systematically perforate
pin-
holes for presbyter masses.
Wanting to glide my fingers across your thighs in
church, and
waiting for the whisper to-
stop.
She moves like the sea;
a perception so inclined to continue with tides.
It’s nothing but a sentiment, a shallow
measurement of adulation,
the concentration of raindrops in a puddle
as a sign of unification;
I’m only here because she is.
I balance the looks to my sides, once left to
pretend the life is falling out the sky, twice right to
catch a glimpse and smile at
some lady sharing lemon sherbets to pass the time.
For me
existence is a chequer board of
nights and days, where
destiny with humans for pieces plays;
for I still cant reason why I’m here,
I wasn’t looking for saviour here behind this soapbox,
but she found me anyway.



The contrast between the setting of the piece and the thought within is great. It will make one question what other people are thinking at any given time. The imagery ties in very well, it flows between the actual setting and the metaphors, similies, and thoughts of the speaker very fluidly.

As far as associating deep meaning with the piece, it is possible, but I don't know if it is intended. Something like, everyone is on the lookout for something to fulfill some desire, and so, may lose sight of their current obligation. Maybe? Correct me if I'm wrong.

All in all, I say 'wow.' This piece can appeal to all. It is simplistic enough on the surface. It is full of apparent (some desireable) imagery to captivate the reader/listener(?). But, it is also possible for those who like to dig deeper to find a deeper meaning (implied or not). Great job.

I've actually only recently started posting in this forum, and have yet to receive any criticism. (Don't think I criticized your poem just so you would mine, I really like yours. I would just greatly, greatly appreciate some outside criticism on mine.)

I hate to seem rude. Here's a link.

Link.

Edit: Because I noticed some glaring bad grammar.
Last edited by Peeno at Mar 8, 2007,
#9
wow

this is awesome

nice. very nice. but yeah, just a few vague grammatical things, i think they've been covered. but as you say, this isn't a super-refined piece.

oh and thanks for the very useful crit on my piece (yeah i know that was ages ago, but hey) send her balloons
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
#10
Thanks everyone. I'm gradually returning crits.

Peeno - yes there is very little extended meaning, but as you said I have left it open for personal interpretation. I shall get to yours soon.

Thanks again.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#11
Breached from Augustine climbs,
clasped palms systematically perforate
pin-
holes for presbyter masses.
Wanting to glide my fingers across your thighs in
church, and
waiting for the whisper to-
stop.
This is a great start. the first few lines kind of lost me with the...(ugh)...pretentiousness? (is that a word?). But the fingers and church line made me jealous that I didn't write it . It's very sexual, and you know I'm all about sexuality.

She moves like the sea;
a perception so inclined to continue with tides.
It’s nothing but a sentiment, a shallow
measurement of adulation,
the concentration of raindrops in a puddle
as a sign of unification;
I’m only here because she is.
I balance the looks to my sides, once left to
pretend the life is falling out the sky, twice right to
catch a glimpse and smile at
some lady sharing lemon sherbets to pass the time.
This is my favorite. Brilliant first two lines and absolutely genius last lines here. I'm starting to get an idea of what this is about...


For me
existence is a chequer board of
nights and days, where
destiny with humans for pieces plays;
for I still cant reason why I’m here,
I wasn’t looking for saviour here behind this soapbox,
but she found me anyway.
I felt this could be stronger, but the last few lines of a piece don't really ahve to match the brilliance of the rest, imo, as long as everything wraps up nice and tidy, which this does.

I'm not much for full crits, sorry, but yes, if this is a simple piece, I'd love to read something of yours that's....extravegant.
Poor advice.
#12
One of my favourites from you Steve (as is it's simplicity).

Really enjoyed the church line and the raindrops in a puddle line
#13
Thanks guys.

Randy my more complex pieces tend to seem like exhibitions of pretention.

Jamie thanks man, I like this new style
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#14
I liked it, the internal rhymes really played well with the simplicity of the piece, it added a third dimension as to make it not so flat. I thought the re-use of the checker board metaphor was uncharacteristic of you, it spoiled me for a moment, I think you can do better than just churning out past metaphors, and besides, that's my thing. Other than that though, it was great.

www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#16
Every time I read your pieces lately it feels like I'm eating cheese cake. It's so rich and extensive it is really good in small doses, but while I'm reading the entire thing I always feel sick to my stomach. I know this is solely a personal issue but your style really doesn't do anything for me. It just seems to weighed down in it's own presentation that it makes me feel like I'm watching something like Yngwie, sure he can play guitar that fast but really who wants to see that. It's not personal in my mind and that's the issue I have with most of your pieces. Some of the lines are killer especially the one Stellar pointed out (maybe i just have a sea fetish =D), but to be honest this stuff really isn't up my alley at all.
#17
There’s quite a bit of internal hypocrisy present within the following paragraphs, so please bear with me.

Nevertheless, and I apologise for the opening deviation, I just have to say that this really is beautiful. Astutely inundated with emotive ploys and intimate recollections, without even the minutest hint of self-aggrandisement conspicuously present to blemish what remains a delicate example of modern verse.

To be honest, any piece that contains a strongly personalised element irks me somewhat, as in that I’ve never subscribed to biographical readings of literature or art, for (rather contrarily, I know) I regard poetry to be an end unto itself, that subsequently (after creation) exists outside of the author’s influence.

(Anyhow, all of the above can be negated by the adoption of various guises, as I enjoy discerning, as to whether or not; the narrator is but a decidedly semantic vessel or a truly personal representation.)

Contradictorily of course (no concrete stance is tenable), the inherently universal nature of longing and desire, gifts this piece with an overwhelming aura of emotional collectivism, which not only elicits empathy, but also genuine inquisitiveness within your disparate audience. However, and this is merely incremental, I do believe that despite the cohesive and cogent presentation, the two blatant instances of enjambment located within the first ‘stanza’ as it were, are, to my mind at least, unnecessary.

Of course, this is only true in accordance to my own rather flaccid interpretation of the opening lines, that involves a comparatively irreverent rejection of archaic religious values in order to pursue the myriad pleasures of human existence (if my interpretation is indeed valid, the aforementioned implementation of enjambment would be too overtly sensual for my bastard’s taste).

Needless to say, it would be best if I refrained from any further speculation, so as to maintain my Spartan dignity.

Cheers mate, and keep on keeping on...

Just be sure that you avoid the dreaded 'UG' homogenisation!
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at Mar 8, 2007,
#18
Thank you so much, both of you. Jared I value your honesty, and can only hope it didn't leave you completely empty. After so many personal pivotal moments in recent years, I am left somewhat bereft of emotion. And it's inevitable that spills over into my writing.

Will, thank you too. I've taken out the enjambement you mentioned, I have no idea why I do it. Perhaps the Bukowski influence is a cause, who knows. Here comes my hypocritical moment, despite my semantical style and diction, everything I write is from a purely personal level. I'm a firm believer in heuristic empiricism.

Haha I'm not gonna delve into the religious undertones of this piece either, lets just leave it at "I was there cause she was."


Thanks again.


Edit: 'UG' homogenisation! Me? Never!
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Mar 8, 2007,
#19
It’s strange that you should say that, as I was reading a paper by Henry Flynt this morning and… the rest isn’t exactly relevant to your work, well I’ll pretend it’s not.

Cheers for the comment on my latest.

Edit: We all see it; the homogenisation is all around us!

This is approaching spam, so I’ll stop while I’m ahead.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#20
^ You can continue, you've peeked my interest now. Maybe in the morning, or perhaps more appropriately on MSN in the near future.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#21
We’ll see mate, but I’m liable to descend into pure rhetoric, and that in my opinion at least, isn’t a pretty sight.

Anyhow, good night and good luck.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#22
I like how you let us in a little more with this one, steve. I know it is simple for you, but honestly, you are still leaving plenty for us to ponder and toss around, without going to the great lengths to try and stump us.

These are basic emotions being presented here, ones we can all relate to....who hasn't felt that funny feeling down inside while you are at church. Why do you think so many priests have been in trouble in the past.
#23
Wow, this piece just blew me away. Unbelievable writing, I've read some of your previous pieces and although they're pretty much always genius, I usually have to strain to grasp the meanings. This one was relatable while still maintaining that extremely sophisticated style that you have. It was covered in insiteful metaphors and wonderful imagery.

the concentration of raindrops in a puddle
as a sign of unification;
I’m only here because she is.


That part gave me chills, I don't know why I just really thought is was wonderful. I'm really just on an ass-kissing rant right now but I don't really have anything bad to say about this. Brilliant work.

And thank you for the crit.
#24
You know. I have looked at this like three times and not once have I critiqued it... Can never bring my self to do full critiques.

Ill point out what I like:

Basically all of it. Really.

Haha

Good Job on this piece. I liked it.

Le critique/good job/naysay on mine?

Whichever you'd like. I really didnt fully critique yours.

#25
You said my song was good but were you honest? (the butterflysong)

If I'm good what the **** you are then???!!
perfect writer, divinee? eh..
#26
I was referring to the FAQ being amazing, I never left a comment about the piece.

Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.