#1
Yay. Crit for crit.

Karohva.

I'm walking in the forest with luck on every finger.
There's napalm under my tongue,
And I'm on my way to the wolf party.

This winter has opened my eyes.
I'll lick my lips as the paramedics run by,
Scalpels out.
Lights in mouth.
The girl is fine,
The boy is fallen
Head first into the dashboard.
And I scatter,
Ink and dagger in hand.
Wade in the water, child.
#2
I really liked this. I mean theres nothing that really hits me, but its a tight little piece all together. I loved "I'll lick my lips as the paramedics run by" just seemed to evoke plenty of images for me. It is a great little piece. Sorry thats all I got.

I didn't get hte title though...?
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Mar 6, 2007,
#3
Thanks.

It's a Clockwork Orange reference.
Wade in the water, child.
#4
Quote by AWA
Yay. Crit for crit.

Karohva.

I'm walking in the forest with luck on every finger.
There's napalm under my tongue,
And I'm on my way to the wolf party.

A very cool verse, laced with interesting metaphors. I especially like the wolf party line. The napalm under my tongue thing was kind of an akward metaphor but that's just me, and honestly I really wouldn't say anything about that if the rest wasn't so damn good.

This winter has opened my eyes.
I'll lick my lips as the paramedics run by,
Scalpels out.
Lights in mouth.
The girl is fine,
The boy is fallen
Head first into the dashboard.
And I scatter,
Ink and dagger in hand.

This is very cliche in concept but quite excellently done if I do say so myself. Very good flow, there wasn't once reading through this verse that it sounded akward. The lines are all very easily comprehended until the last line which may be a little too much of a sudden transition into an abstract concept but that's completely subjective to the reader.



I usually don't critique really excellent pieces because it just feels useless to go in and tell someone that their work was flawless, because although I'm sure it feels good to the writer, it doesn't add much and there's usually plenty of other people to do it for me but this was just an amazing piece, some of the best work I've seen from you. Really interesting and despite it's length, it leaves a fairly lasting effect on the reader. Excellent job.

I'd appreciate it if you checked mine out:

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=537802
#5
not much to say about this, sorry.

great piece... probably my favorite of yours.

The paramedics line really did it for me too.