#1
I will feel very pleased if you read this, its personal to me, very, some stanzas for were were kinda hard to write, as they are referenced to the future, but thats why i just gotta unwind in the lost.... thanks for reading, crit for crit leave links.


“Unwind in the lost”

And I think I’m lost again
Cause’ the priest is telling me
That I need to find a way
Past my olden times

In bitter times, I’ve bitten my tongue
Just to survive so we would love
But she was like the wind
She’d love and gone

Embedded somewhere in my life
Is a universe dressed for a wife
And she’ll be like the wind
So soft and mean

And I think I’m getting lost…

Now I see the Elementary
Where I dreamt for me a destiny
But she was like the wind
During a winters freeze

Imprinted in my Pacific soul are
Atlantic friends from coast to coast
Soon they’ll be like wind
A sailing memory

Cause’ it was a Northern wind
That took me on a Southside trip
But there blew an Eastern breeze
That led me to the West Coast sun

…and father I’ll never find

I’m getting lost for the last time
I’m getting lost for good
But I’ll never find anything
I’ll never find it at all

I am…wind…
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#3
i think its good i especially like the second half of the song after "and i tihnk im getting lost" for some reason the first stanza seems wierd to me but doesnt matter its your writing so other then that i like the symbolism and stuff pretty cool
#4
"Cause’ it was a Northern wind
That took me on a Southside trip
But there blew an Eastern breeze
That led me to the West Coast sun"

Thats the best line i've pretty much ever heard. Care if I use it in a song?
#5
Cause’ it was the Northern Mountains
That took me on a South-side Monday
But there blew an Eastern breeze
That led me to the West Coast Sunday

I made that out of one or your lines. Maybe you can consider it.
#6
Quote by stepup11
"Cause’ it was a Northern wind
That took me on a Southside trip
But there blew an Eastern breeze
That led me to the West Coast sun"

Thats the best line i've pretty much ever heard. Care if I use it in a song?



as much as i thank you for liking the line, I think I'd like to keep possesion of it, cause im gonna use it in a song. I like your suggestion too, about the mountains, and monday and sunday, that was cool, but i was kinda keeping it with the wind and stuff, its just personal thats all. thanks for the suggestion though
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#7
Really interesting. The imagery is very well done in some places and some of the metaphors are pretty cool. On the flip side however, I think your concept is too scattered, maybe focus it a little bit and try and tie your verses together and I noticed in some places you seemed to force a rhyme, but it wasn't a problem throughout the majority of the piece. Overall a pretty nice piece, I think you could write better but it's definitely not bad at all.

Thanks very much for the crit.