#1
EDIT READ: oaky this is actually the 3rd part of the series. i wrote both the one i posted as the 3rd and this one at the same time, but this is where he is still drifting in the water before he gets to the island. and these are just his imaginary experiences underwater. if that makes sense, whatever i cant explain it how i want to right now.

i realize i fuc.ked up the roman numerals. oops

alright. i was uncertain about the last stanza but i like it now just cause its definitely a change of pace from the first. and the outro i know its going to be a love/hate thing again like the 2nd part of the series where the ending was 'yeah okay' but idk i like the way it ends and it sums up the rest of the piece exactly how i want it too.
i know i use with twice in a line but im working on rewording that.
a marrow ocean I

a marrow ocean II: Anorexic Apples

a marrow ocean III: Appleseed Eyes


a marrow ocean IIII: a Starfish Mafia

[good morning]

I woke to an oceanside marching band of seafood platters
and a starfish mafia demanding I pay rent for my sand castle residence
and their complimentary condiments. But there was no mint on my
pillow and I had to fight in line for my continental breakfast
with some starving sea horse with a trumphet around his neck
talking tone deaf so I let him slip ahead.
Later I saw him waiting in the car pool lane and he was
tongue tied to a canoe rack waiting on hold with his coconut
telephone and he kept asking who does the operator call when
he needs help or feels alone? And who was steering the ark
when Noah was fast asleep or flooded in uncertainty?
Jesus Christ?
ah ha
yeah right.
Last edited by rushmore at Mar 7, 2007,
#2
Cut the but in L3.

But there was no mint on my
pillow and I had to fight in line for my continental breakfast
with some starving sea horse with a trumphet around his neck
talking tone deaf so I let him slip ahead.


No punctuation at all, it needs it really. Wasn't a fan of the double "with" either, there has to be a better way to word that. The last part didn't seem to make sense as I read it...

trumphet around his neck talking tone deaf so I let him slip ahead.

That needs some attention imo.

I'm not sure I get the "canoe rack" line, I dont understand the significance of it tbh. I might be missing something though.

Flooded was a cheap metaphor imo. I like the ending to this, however, seemed to deviate away from the piece and onto further things, a kind of cliffhanger of sorts. Overall this series is proving a decent read, but perhaps the stress is starting to show here, in trying to continue with it. It does seem to lack focus on an individual level. So perhaps looking into making them all stand alone peices.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
the end with jesus christ ruined almost the entire peice. but otherwise it was perfect. I though that when you went and saw the sea horse he would be dead or killed by the mafia. i think that would add more excitement, or a twist.
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#4
thanks both of you.
a lot of the stuff you said steve is probably pretty true and i need to work on a lot of it, ill be getting to your piece if you have one posted soon.
#5
Quote by rushmore
i realize i fuc.ked up the roman numerals. oops

[good morning]

I woke to an oceanside marching band of seafood platters
and a starfish mafia demanding I pay rent for my sand castle residence

I like the imagery you have going here of the ocean, it sets a nice tone.

and their complimentary condiments. But there was no mint on my
pillow and I had to fight in line for my continental breakfast

And woosh. We immediately lose that nice imagery. I dont understand how the 'complimentary condiments' fits in. It is a nice use of alliteration, but it seems too random.

with some starving sea horse with a trumphet around his neck
talking tone deaf so I let him slip ahead.

Minor spelling error there. I dont like the 'talking tone deaf' line. I like the idea it has, but too much gets lost when you have to analyze how it works. Try saying the same thing a different way.

Later I saw him waiting in the car pool lane and he was
tongue tied to a canoe rack waiting on hold with his coconut
telephone

The more I read this the more I get the feeling you were just kind of going off randomly. Which is fun to do, but it's hard to follow for someone else reading.

and he kept asking who does the operator call when
he needs help or feels alone?

This line is way to good to be stuck in here with all this other strange imagery. It is a really good line and it shouldnt be weighted down by seahorses and coconut telephones.

And who was steering the ark
when Noah was fast asleep or flooded in uncertainty?
Jesus Christ?
ah ha
yeah right.

Again, it just seems like you wanted to add a little meaning there at the end. But it doesnt work out. I think you should either scrap this or work really hard to pull it all together. Because it just doesnt seem like one cohesive thing to me.



Yeah. I just realized this is part of a series. Which I didnt read the other parts of. So I'm sorry if a lot of this criticism would have been avoided had I read the rest, but maybe you could just take this as sort of a critique on this individual part.


My Guitars:
Fender Mustang.
Yamaha FG-413SL.
Last edited by screamsoftly at Mar 7, 2007,
#6
I like it but its a bit odd. If I read the others I might make sense out of it but its late-ish and i have school in the morn so another time. That being said I do like the way it was written. I also liked the imagery(sp). Good work.
#7
it is all put together but i guess you have to be able to interpret it before you can do that.
sorry that you couldn't. once i explain the story and ect it might be easier
#8
i agree with screamsoftly a lot, you're first two lines are really cool. it grabs my attention and I want to keep reading. and then....well....bombardments of rambling. the sea horse part just doesnt work... i think i see where you are going with it. just word it differently. the whole tongue tied to a canoe rack and coconut telephone is pretty random. it seems as if you're trying to be a little two clever, and it gets in the way of your point, and essence of the poem. the operator part is cool. there you were able to deliver your ideas well. not too fond of the ending, it seems rushed, kind of like you couldn't think of anything else to say. overall, im sorry, i don't like this poem. i feel like i have to really fight to uncover the meaning, not because it's deep, but because it is scattered and random.

but then again, you shouldn't really care what i think, i'm not an authority in any way, shape, or form. its just my opinion. writing poems is mainly for poet, so if you enjoy writing poems like this, then more power to you. keep doing your thing. sorry about the punctuation and stuff, i dont really mess around with that.
#9
anymore opinions on this one would be nice,
just to see if there is anyone who understands it or actually enjoys it.