#1
Hey, dirty, you wanna get wet?"
Gettin' wet's for the fishes and dames'll do
you in, see?
So of course I wanted to get wet, to swim
with the fishes and make friends among
fish-women the size of an erect dick.
We were halfway through the Schlotzski's deli line
when the "wet" pole-vaulted into "stuck."
Stuck was the wet users high.
Freeze-framed fuckathon.
Shot n' chopped withdrawl.
Like an addict in a porno theatre jerking
into his lap: He has to sit in it...

But we're better than hostile ho-hum hobos,
and we get our cure from the back of an exchaust pipe.
We're treated by a walking Clap Trap.
Where every anxiety attack is a lease on life.
We take our cues from whatever pink triangle
spews in our face first.
Riggor!
Riggor!
"I'm on the rush that the priest perverts
pulled from the press! Shut the door!"

What the fuck?
"I'm sick to my ass!"
What the fuck?
"Oh Dear, I think I may be terminally ill but it's been
six months since my health insurance expired, and
three weeks since Joyce and I had sex, and I believe
I've seen the moon don a mustache 12 times, but who's
to know when my rapture offsets my raging rupture?"


We knew the sea chart was wrong before
the captain won it back in a card game.
We'll be the wettest thing since wet hit Wet Town.
Whoa, man.
Poor advice.
Last edited by stellar_legs at Mar 7, 2007,
#7
I don't know, I can't really critique your poetry because it's so different from what any one else is doing. You definitely deserve more comments though so I'll do what I can.

Here's it with fixed spelling:
“Hey, dirty, you wanna get wet?"
Gettin' wet's for the fishes and dames'll do
you in, see?
So of course I wanted to get wet, to swim
with the fishes and make friends among
fish-women the size of an erect dick.
We were halfway through the Schlotzski's deli line
when the "wet" pole-vaulted into "stuck."
Stuck was the wet users high.
Freeze-framed ****athon.
Shot n' chopped withdrawal.
Like an addict in a porno theatre jerking
into his lap: He has to sit in it...

But we're better than hostile ho-hum hobos,
and we get our cure from the back of an exhaust pipe.
We're treated by a walking Clap Trap.
Where every anxiety attack is a lease on life.
We take our cues from whatever pink triangle
spews in our face first.
Riggor!
Riggor!
"I'm on the rush that the priest perverts
pulled from the press! Shut the door!"
What the ****?
"I'm sick to my ass!"
What the ****?
"Oh Dear, I think I may be terminally ill but it's been
six months since my health insurance expired, and
three weeks since Joyce and I had sex, and I believe
I've seen the moon don a mustache 12 times, but who's
to know when my rapture offsets my raging rupture?"

We knew the sea chart was wrong before
the captain won it back in a card game.
We'll be the wettest thing since wet hit Wet Town.
Whoa, man.


A couple comments. Did you spell rigor wrong on purpose? I didn't fix it because I was unsure.

Stuck was the wet users high.


This line was worded very awkwardly. I think you should fix it up some, make it a little clearer and grammatically correct.

We're treated by a walking Clap Trap.
Where every anxiety attack is a lease on life.


There really shouldn't be a period separating those two lines.

Overall though I thought this was excellent as usual. Great.

I'd appreciate it if you could check out my latest, I could probably find a link if you want.
#8
not much to say now but i like this and i think its a shame that no one else is saying anything...

i really do like this piece although it is almost uncomfortably vulgar, it's rather catchy and reads well

maybe i'll look into it more later and try and find a deeper meaning (it's just crawling under my nose- i can smell it) but other than that

I've seen the moon don a mustache 12 times, but who's -----do you mean moon ON a mustache?

thank you again for gracing us with your art

and goodnight from pennsylvania

~jimi
Anatomy Anatomy
Whale Blue Review

Park that car
Drop that phone
Sleep on the floor
Dream about me
#10
Your more manic pieces can be hit-and-miss, as this one is. The first stanza started off forced and uncomfortable, but it picked up speed and wound up being pretty good near the end.
-Landon
#12
i like it, but i was wondering how are you thinking of saying/singing it? i think itt would sound good fast. It kinda reminded me of 2 songs. Sonic Youth's "In the Kingom #19" and Pavement's "Conduit for Sale!" like the part where there's that story thing going on, but all in all good job!

#13
Hey, dirty, you wanna get wet?"
Gettin' wet's for the fishes and dames'll do
you in, see?
So of course I wanted to get wet, to swim
with the fishes and make friends among
fish-women the size of an erect dick.
We were halfway through the Schlotzski's deli line
when the "wet" pole-vaulted into "stuck."
Stuck was the wet users high.
Freeze-framed ****athon.
Shot n' chopped withdrawl.
Like an addict in a porno theatre jerking
into his lap: He has to sit in it...

But we're better than hostile ho-hum hobos,
and we get our cure from the back of an exchaust pipe. <-- exhaust
We're treated by a walking Clap Trap.
Where every anxiety attack is a lease on life.
We take our cues from whatever pink triangle
spews in our face first.
Riggor!
Riggor!
"I'm on the rush that the priest perverts
pulled from the press! Shut the door!"
What the ****?
"I'm sick to my ass!"
What the ****?
"Oh Dear, I think I may be terminally ill but it's been
six months since my health insurance expired, and
three weeks since Joyce and I had sex, and I believe
I've seen the moon don a mustache 12 times, but who's
to know when my rapture offsets my raging rupture?"

We knew the sea chart was wrong before
the captain won it back in a card game.
We'll be the wettest thing since wet hit Wet Town.
Whoa, man.

Stellar, i have no effing clue what to tell you man. I can't make hide nor hair of this one. I caught a lot of **** and wet pussy references, but I'm having a real hard time getting this one together. Let me read it a few more times and see if I can squeeze anything else out of it.

Sorry for the lousy crit. Give me a bit and I'll see if I can be more helpful.

-Edgar

EDIT: Stellar, it blocked out "c0ck" but not "pussy." what the hell is that?
#14
If you wanna read over and try to get the meaning go ahead, or I could just tell you, and maybe it'll be more clear.
Poor advice.
#16
This is about the first time I did hard drugs.

I had such a wide selection in front of. There was cocaine but I was interested in this stuff that some people were doing. It was pot rolled up with crack. After the joint is rolled, they dip it in embalming fluid. This drug is called "Wet." (hence the references). I smoked it, and couldn't believe the way I felt. It was absolutel awful. The high you get is called "stuck" because you're entire body locks up where it is, and you can't move.

It was the most rediculous shit I had ever done, and these people depended on it.
Poor advice.
#17
whoa. that's out of control. yeah, a lot of stuff is cleared up now, thnks. I be back later. : )
#18
What can I say?

It's fantastic. A pleasure to read again and again.
Meaning? It'll come. But not yet.

I don't have a single suggestion, except that you fix the spelling of exhaust.

I'm not sure I get you, Stellar,
But I love the way you make me feel inside.