#1
Well hey guys. Umm.... this is sort of a healing thing...
I'd just like to throw in a rule for this song. Crit or dis me, my song, my talent, my wording, whatever you want and however you want. But don't you dare say anything bad about the "kid on the corner". That is my brother. I love him a lot.
Read my bio if you don't get it.

He was just some kid
Sitting on the corner
Strumming his guitar
Like most people breathe air

Sometimes you could see him
At the disco, Friday nights
Perched behind the sound desk
Coffee close to hand

He was just some kid
Sitting on the corner
In his worn, torn best jeans
The old ones are the best

Always in the worn-out thongs
Or maybe in the dunlops
Y'know the ones that're held together
With gaffa tape and dust?

Those size thirteen boots
Left lieing in the hall at home

He was just some kid
Sitting on the corner
Only one day he didn't turn up
He didn't show one day

(instrumentally thing)

There was a notice in the paper
Just the other day
Another road fatality, some kid
On a motor bike verse a four wheel drive

A head on it reads
And speed was involved
But I don't think it was
You just knew that he wouldn't

He was that sorta kid
That kid on the corner
That kid that grinned at the world
Called it mate when it scowled back

He was just some kid
Collected friends not stamps
When he picked up his feet
He left a massive footprint

But that massive footprint
It was oh so gentle

When he picked up his feet
He left a massive footprint
That massive footprint
Was oh so gentle

But it was a bloody great hole in me



I have got music for this, and have almost finished it, I just want some crits and some help tidying up the wording. Ta

oh and "for my brother" is really only very tentative... i believe i said something about that in the original title but somehow that bit got cut off. any ideas for a better title would be highly appreciated
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
Last edited by miss_muso~ at Mar 12, 2007,
#2
He was just some kid
Sitting on the corner
Strumming his guitar
Like most people breathe air

Great introduction, I love "some kid" as though its an indirect way of being sincere, like you want to be personal, but by takingt he 3rd person stance its far easier to say what you want. I was please not to see rhyme here, you siad what you wanted to say, and didn't let rhyme stop you.

Sometimes you could see him
At the disco, Friday nights
Perched behind the sound desk
Coffee close to hand

He was just some kid
Sitting on the corner
In his worn, torn best jeans
The old ones are the best

Wasn't keen on the repeat of "best", off the top of my head a synonym is coming to me, I'm sure there is one. You could say "The old ones always are" although its slightly vague.

Always in the worn-out thongs
Or maybe in the dunlops
Y'know the ones that're held together
With gaffa tape and dust?

Just from a writing perspective, shouldn't the question mark be after "y'know"? rather than at the end of the sentence. correct me if I'm wrong :p I like this stanza, gives a sense of time in the grander sense.

Those size thirteen boots
Left lieing in the hall at home

*lying*

He was just some kid
Sitting on the corner
Only one day he didn't turn up
He didn't show one day

Wasn't keen on the last line here, it just repeats what the penultimate line said, without adding anything, so perhaps change that one. Could say something about not leaving a footprint, or an empty space on the corner...

(instrumentally thing)

There was a notice in the paper
Just the other day
Another road fatality, some kid
On a motor bike verse a four wheel drive

A head on it reads
And speed was involved
But I don't think it was
You just knew that he wouldn't

whoa, the tone really alters here, I can imagine here the chords remaining the same but your tone of voice changing, just to further enhance this. I did however think that you should say "heading" it just sounds slightly weird as it is.

He was that sorta kid
That kid on the corner
That kid that grinned at the world
Called it mate when it scowled back

He was just some kid
Collected friends not stamps
When he picked up his feet
He left a massive footprint

Massive felt like the wrong word here, it didn't flow as I would have liked. And just didn't seem effective enough for me.

But that massive footprint
It was oh so gentle

Here it works.

When he picked up his feet
He left a massive footprint
That massive footprint
Was oh so gentle

But it was a bloody great hole in me

For me I wouldn't repeat the lines again, they will be so effective first time, repeat them you risk loosing the meaning and just seem to be repeating them to give the illusion of meaning. I think it would be a striking end to just have the 3 lines, not only would the audience expect a fourth, but would be suprised by the sudden change in structure.

Overall this is a decent song, it tells a story, reads well, and with the right tones while singing will be quite a profound piece. Nice.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
I'd have to agree with most of Hurt's comments. Most of them are similar to what I was going to say anyways. I think the best thing about this song is that it's quite obviously about something that's deeply touched you, and you can feel the sincerity of the writing.
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#4
....i dont really understand.
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#5
I agree with Hurt about the repitition of certain words and other little things like that.

I would also like to say that the piece is very gripping. This is something that touches people hearts. Great job.
#6
Thanks guys... yeah, i just always get confused between lying and lieing.

About the 'head on' bit, that isn't meant to be a heading, but you know how if two vehicles crash when coming towards each other and it's called a 'head on'?

on the point of 'y'know', the reason i like rhymeless free-flowing poetry is that i don't need to stop to worry about punctuation and stuff. Normally i'm kind of obsessive compulsive with grammatical stuff, so it gives me a chance to be vaguely normal.

I'll fiddle around with the end bits and massive, but they fit in almost perfectly with the music.

By the way, this kid did actually exist, and he was a pretty sweet guitarist. I'll try to upload a few songs he recorded with a mate once.
He likes Keats but she's into Yeats - it's a matter of Romance

E-Mistress to UG's Finest Gentleman


Come away, oh human child,
To the waters and the wild
With a fairy hand in hand;
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.