#1
this is a pretty new song so i'd like a lot of crits because, that would be nice...
I really wanna know it's flow, like I dont want it to be to jagged and all over the place. so, here goes. ya know how I roll Crit for Crit , oh and the habitatchment part,... i know it's not a real word. actually it could be because i didnt research. i dont need real words to express myself right?

I didn't meet my expectations
I met my endorphins
I live in my habitatchment
I like my endogenus friends

strawberry rasberry
cranberry jamberry
take my mind away
strawberry raspberry
cranberry jamberry
keep my mind astray

My view is very foggy
My lips are very chapped
My eyes are very sandy
My heart here is gift wrapped

strawberry rasberry
cranberry jamberry
take my mind away
strawberry raspberry
cranberry jamberry
keep my mind astray

I think I am disgusting
especially like rusting
And that's not mistrusting, you
I think my thoughts are sublime
especially this time, around

I feel verry chapped
I feel very sapped
I feel gift wrapped
I feel so sublime this time
around

oh and the habitatchment part,... i know it's not a real word. actually it could be because i didnt research. i dont need real words to express myself right?
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#2
Usually when a Neologism is created both sides have to be relateable to the words around it...yet I see no written reason for you to use it here, fine if you can think of a reason, but I'd like to hear it.

A traditional neologism; such as: "autopsynapse", autopsy, and synapse.

And err yeah the piece is well, unrelatable, I do not have a fixation for preserves like you.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#3
Quote by The Hurt Within
Usually when a Neologism is created both sides have to be relateable to the words around it...yet I see no written reason for you to use it here, fine if you can think of a reason, but I'd like to hear it.

A traditional neologism; such as: "autopsynapse", autopsy, and synapse.

And err yeah the piece is well, unrelatable, I do not have a fixation for preserves like you.

the neologism is a metaphor for different people (strawberry=girlfreind, ect.)
when im with you, there's nothing I wouldn't do, i just wanna be you're only one. im gasping out of straws, taken aback by what i saw that night before when we were all alone...
#4
Quote by plus182
this is a pretty new song so i'd like a lot of crits because, that would be nice...
I really wanna know it's flow, like I dont want it to be to jagged and all over the place. so, here goes. ya know how I roll Crit for Crit , oh and the habitatchment part,... i know it's not a real word. actually it could be because i didnt research. i dont need real words to express myself right?

I didn't meet my expectations
I met my endorphins
I live in my habitatchment
I like my endogenus friends

This part seems pretty choppy unless im reading it wrong. Im not very good at reading.

strawberry rasberry
cranberry jamberry
take my mind away
strawberry raspberry
cranberry jamberry
keep my mind astray

This part I really liked. I don't know if it has a deeper meaning or not but I just like the way it sounds.

My view is very foggy
My lips are very chapped
My eyes are very sandy
My heart here is gift wrapped

strawberry rasberry
cranberry jamberry
take my mind away
strawberry raspberry
cranberry jamberry
keep my mind astray

I think I am disgusting
especially like rusting
And that's not mistrusting, you
I think my thoughts are sublime
especially this time, around

To me it seems like you need another word that rhymes with time but maybe Im wrong.

I feel verry chapped
I feel very sapped
I feel gift wrapped
I feel so sublime this time
around

oh and the habitatchment part,... i know it's not a real word. actually it could be because i didnt research. i dont need real words to express myself right?


There you go
#5
I think this piece loses all of it's steam during the second to last stanza. At the start, this was a seemingly inspired and short piece, but you need to rework that fifth stanza.

Wish I had more to say, but I'm kind of hungover, so bleh.
Poor advice.
#6
Quote by plus182
the neologism is a metaphor for different people (strawberry=girlfreind, ect.)



But thats not a neologism, thats not what I'm on about. The only neologism here is: habitatchment.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.