#1
heres my first song i have ever writtin its short but pritty epic

the immortal soul

Charging the line
Fighting for our freedom
Steel clashing,Metal protecting
Gods whsipering to my heart

I am immortal,No one can slay me
I am immortal,I shall not fall

Many fallen from my sword
Blood spilt,Limbs cut
Souls wasted

During the fullmoon
I am a nigthmare,Turning
Death has come
Children crying,Women running,Men protecting

I am immortal,You cant run
I am immortal,Fear my wraith
(>*o*)> ohh noes
#2
the immortal soul

Charging the line
Fighting for our freedom
Steel clashing,Metal protecting
Gods whsipering to my heart
I like it man. I feel like the first two lines have been said so much, it's almost like it's beyond cliche. If someone was to tell someone about the song, and they only knew the first two lines, the other person could name a list of up to 10 songs that have those exact words. Sorry but I think it's pretty cliche.


I am immortal,No one can slay me
I am immortal,I shall not fall
I like it man. I really like it.


Many have fallen from my sword
Blood spilt,Limbs cut
Souls wasted
Again it's good, but not great.


During the fullmoon
I am a nigthmare,Turning
Death has come
Children crying,Women running,Men protecting
I really really liked this stanza. Adds a real "Holy crap!" factor. Very good use of imagery in my opinion.


I am immortal,You cant run
I am immortal,Fear my wraith
Nice. Very Nice.


---------------------------

All in all i thought it was quite a cliche piece at the beggining, but then it got way better. I could definately see myself singing this song all day.

If you want to return the favour, my poems/songs are in my sig.

#3
Quote by Wardemon88
heres my first song i have ever writtin its short but pritty epic

the immortal soul

Charging the line
Fighting for our freedom
Steel clashing,Metal protecting (steels clashing and metal shields)
Gods whispering to my heart (God whispers in my holey heart) play on words and shows battle wounds

Hmm..interesting, aside from the cliche its pretty good.

I am immortal,No one can slay me
I am immortal,I shall not fall

This is cool....I like it.

Many fallen from my sword
Blood spilt,Limbs cut (Bloods spill and slashed limbs)
Souls wasted (souls erased) maybe

THats a good stanza to...

During the fullmoon
I am a nigthmare,Turning
Death has come
Children crying,Women running,Men protecting

alright, theres like the crux of the entire piece, I like it. very strong.


I am immortal,You cant run
I am immortal,Fear my wraith

smart way to end it. nice,



not really my type or anything, but i was a good to read. I hope my suggestions can help. if you wanna crit mine the links here

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=539927
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know