#1
Last one. This was actually #6 but I realised I didn't need the #5 I had, so I took it all out. I didn't go as deep as I had intded with this, really because it ran out of steam, so I've edited past ones (though not the ones on this forum) so this all links up, though you can still get meaning out of it by reading the others on this forum.

#1- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=520761
#2- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=527602
#3- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530424
#4- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=535327

Critique for critique. LEAVE a LINk

Enjoy

#5

Time explodes like a meteor
bursting through the atmosphere.
It cracks and scars the sky of your mind.
Landing, it will awlays leave a deep mark.

Deafened by this dynamite.
Deaf to the surroundings, the songs,
the beating of drums and chests.
Deaf to the crashing of the waves,
the transportation of past bloods.

Time sinks, and rises to the tune
of a single, longing tick and tock.
Manhandled but never manipulated
into a rash construction, it allows
for hills and mountains to be conquered,
overtaken, then forgotten;
the new roads made wider, straighter.

A rumbling fills my head as the surf
slides around, sifting and scoring.
I find myself wedged right at the top of a
castle, near friends and faces I know.

The playfulness of the childs laughter
as he picks up a bucket and spade,
echoes through the sandy walls.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Mar 7, 2007,
#2
Time explodes like a meteor
bursting through the atmosphere.
It cracks and scars the sky of your mind.
Landing, it will awlays leave a deep mark.

I think that L2 would fit better with the previous line if it was "bursts" instead... i think it would carry the comparison better. I like the flow of "cracks and scars"... sounds nice... and as for L4... i think something more descriptive could be used than "deep" but it's not enough to hurt the piece.... good stanza.

Deafened by this dynamite.
Deaf to the surroundings, the songs,
the beating of drums and chests.
Deaf to the crashing of the waves,
the transportation of past bloods.

The repetition works well for you here... think maybe the first line would sound better if you were more descriptive of the dynamite... or else maybe just take "this" out? ... i like the last line in particular.

Time sinks, and rises to the tune
of a single, longing tick and tock.
Manhandled but never manipulated
into a rash construction, it allows
for hills and mountains to be conquered,
overtaken, then forgotten;
the new roads made wider, straighter.

i like L3 a lot... i think for L5 it might be beneficial for you to put "even" before "mountains"... because as it is it sounds like you're refering to them as equals... but mountains are bigger than hills... so using "even" would promote the idea of progression... the rest looks good.

A rumbling fills my head as the surf
slides around, sifting and scoring.
I find myself wedged right at the top of a
castle, near friends and faces I know.

Cool description of the surf... i don't know if "wedged" is the right word for L3 though... because it doesnt seem to fit the castle idea.

The playfulness of the childs laughter
as he picks up a bucket and spade,
echoes through the sandy walls.

nice ending.

yeah i enjoyed this one... nice work... seems like a good place to end the series.

and i think i probably owed you a crit anyways... but if you insist then i'll be posting a new one (the one in my current 1vs1) in a few days and would appreciate your input.
#3
I'm watching Celtic at the moment so I'll make this quick and painless.

Diction: Your diction is all right for the piece, it's not too complex, and therefore doesn't require more thought in what you're literally saying rather than what you're conveying. There are one or two words where synonyms would be more appropriate, but I shan't go into any detail about them.

Structure: There may well be reasons for having the stanzas at different lengths to each other (give or take one). It, to me, makes it look a little choppy and rushed. If they were to be spread out more evenly and the lines to have a clearer absolute length, rather than having one short, then one long, then one in between.

Rhythm: Can't say much on this subject. It was pretty good.

Devices: The anaphora in the second stanza was used very well. You never overdid it to the point of becoming tedious. It's the same with the polysyndeton (also from the second stanza - repetition of "the's" and "of's") which gave the stanza more clout than any other. Good similes and metaphors as well, although they are becoming more easily accomplished on these forums. It would seem we need people to be more diverse with their use of poetic devices (polysyndeton is a good device to use in moderation).

Originality: Although not seen often, it still has been seen, at least some of the phrases you used.

Overall: Typo: line four. It was good, I enjoyed it.
#7
Once again, another solid effort by you. I always like reading your pieces and this one is no different. Songs/poems about time interest me and you presented the material in a very beautiful way. The whole piece was very good, but I would have to say that my favorite parts were stanzas 3 and 5. And for the sake of critiquing, I'm not a big fan of pieces that have no rhyming. But of course that's just a personal preference. Anyways, nice job, Jamie.

Crit mine please?
Quill Architect
#8
Time explodes like a meteor
bursting through the atmosphere.
It cracks and scars the sky of your mind.
Landing, it will awlays leave a deep mark.

hmm continuity issues plague this stanza, a meteor technically doesn't explode, and technically it doesn't "land" a landing is defined as a controled descent, not like an impact. Also I really disliked "deep mark" it just sounds so weak to be fair to you. Something like "impression" or "definition" is a far better option.

Deafened by this dynamite.
Deaf to the surroundings, the songs,
the beating of drums and chests.
Deaf to the crashing of the waves,
the transportation of past bloods.

Slightly better stanza; I'd seperate the first line, let it stand alone. Leave the last 4 as couplets. Again I felt your last phrase wasn't great, "past bloods" past being the weak word here, I know its not so easy to think of a synonym here, perhaps; "forgotten" or "prior" has a time linked theme to it.

Time sinks, and rises to the tune
of a single, longing tick and tock.
Manhandled but never manipulated
into a rash construction, it allows
for hills and mountains to be conquered,
overtaken, then forgotten;
the new roads made wider, straighter.

A great stanza, I've seen alot of bright stuff from you with these pieces, I find these far more mature and developed than anything you've done before. the last line felt slighty out of place, I naturally wanted the stanza to end on the penultimate line. "manhandled" was the perfect word, one of the best singular choices I've seen in ages.

A rumbling fills my head as the surf
slides around, sifting and scoring.
I find myself wedged right at the top of a
castle, near friends and faces I know.

This didn't really do anything for me, the transition from your head to the castlewas too sudden, and of no realrelevance to the story for me, except perhaps the last line. idk, I'd think about this part more.

The playfulness of the childs laughter
as he picks up a bucket and spade,
echoes through the sandy walls.

Sandy walls was such a weak line to end on, I'd have the child contemplating building a metropolis or something far grander. Thats just me though. Overall this piece was up and down for me, that large middle stanza was just awesome. And the rest pales slightly to it. But its still a great direction for you, and one you're proving you can build upon. Nice stuff.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#9
Thanks guys, and sorry for constantly nagging for that crit Steve

This series was just experimenting with ideas and such, felt I had to do it to see what would happen. The hole series has been up and down imo, but Ijust felt some creativity I needed to use up.

I'm writing many songs at the moment so you won't be seeing too much poetry I don't think, bit of a block with that

Thanks agian you two, very helpful
#10
^ No I always say if I owe people hassle me, and I'll get to it, just to shut you up

Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.