#1
This is the first thing I've written in months, and I found it hard to slip into any sort of recognisable style. I think this is a bit of a mish-mash myself, but I like it.


Man it was only a game, but we took it to heart,
dancing our dance as we all play a part
and the rhythm goes
ba baba dee baba dee baba day,
we move to the music, with nothing to say...

What happened to spitting images and discotheques?

Dirty dancing baby, that's where its at
you can shake your thang
and be movin' to teh groovin'
but you'll never get the looks i do.
I can flick-
!
my hair back, lady,
show it to the floor like I'm a fire in disguise,
and you'll never get the looks I do.

These pills have beatific visions in them,
and all I can see is Kerouac,
opening up my mind.
Take one two three...
prepare for troubling times.
Hit up the light brigade and
charge!
Eyes popping, body rocking

this ain't a bad way to go.




love is a dog from hell.



#3
sounds good to me. but lyrics always sound weird without music. get a beat and start a fire
!
#4
So, I owe you one and I'm sorry I didn't get to it quickly. Been really busy, but I am so pleased to see you getting back in there.

Man it was only a game, but we took it to heart,
dancing our dance as we all play a part
Didn't like th repetition of "dancing out dance", would have preferred to see "dancing our steps" or something along those lines. It's a stanza filled with rhymes as it is.
and the rhythm goes
ba baba dee baba dee baba day,
we move to the music, with nothing to say...
I liked this ending, very nice for an opening stanza and it worked well for the rest of the piece.

What happened to spitting images and discotheques?
I don't know why exactly, but I didn't like this being a question. You have this factuality character about this piece and I thought this spoiled it a little. Perhaps if it would have been "Look what happened to spitting images and discotheques..."

Dirty dancing baby, that's where its at
you can shake your thang
and be movin' to teh groovin'
So I really liked this stanza but these first few lines were a bit too blunt - comparing to the rest. I got the feeling behind it though, and it was perfect. I guess I might need to toughen up.
but you'll never get the looks i do.
I can flick-
!
my hair back, lady,
show it to the floor like I'm a fire in disguise,
and you'll never get the looks I do.
Great. Great. Great.

These pills have beatific visions in them,
and all I can see is Kerouac,
opening up my mind.
Take one two three...
prepare for troubling times.
Hit up the light brigade and
charge!
Eyes popping, body rocking

this ain't a bad way to go.
I really liked this stanza. A bit dramatic towards the end, but it feels to me as if you were being a little sarcastic about it, which makes it work so well.


I am so happy to see you writing again. I've missed you.


Carmel
This is not a pipe