#1
CRIT4CRIT
A little rough. This is the last one I'm doing for the series, at least for a while, I have a plan on going back and making it a story, but I've grown bored of writing these. This is different for me, the meaning might be to obscure, because it's kinda personal, but people who've read some of my other writings might be able to figure it out, it also has to do with something someone said to me.


"Addiction"

The white roses But
lose their petals the
as they shrink memories
into seeds, themselves
and with these thoughts are
it's getting harder to breathe. worth
And with tears in my eyes living
I just stare at the scene. for

I stop when I feel the spiders
crawling all over me...
I decide to ask them;
...What do the words mean?
They form two letters,
but one is upside down.
KS?
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 7, 2007,
#3
The words in red in the first stanza make it difficult to read, and a little confusing. They distract the reader. I like what you're saying, but the reader will have to read that separately anyways, so why not make it it's own line?
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
#4
Quote by Alk 3 addict
The words in red in the first stanza make it difficult to read, and a little confusing. They distract the reader. I like what you're saying, but the reader will have to read that separately anyways, so why not make it it's own line?


I have a feeling that it's meant to be almost a sub. message, that the reader pieces together whilst reading it. I guess if it was sung, the main verse would be sung by the singer, and each bit in read would be sung where it's written by a backing vocalist. I think it makes it interesting, but hard to read, frankly.
#5
hey kyle, ill get u a good crit in a bit, but on first glance, the words in red do make it confusing, at first i thought the red were supposed to be read with the others, and they also form thier own messenge together, but then i realized i was to read those seperate, but in some cases u could read it across, and it works good, better i think.like....

as they shrink memories
into seeds themselves

i was just thinking it sounds kinda good like this.

EDIT: and to the person above me, its a poem, not a song. not to be mean or nuthin, wut is it with people these days that cant tell a poem from a song, i mean its kinda obvious. sorry again for being rude, but im just sayin wat i think.
#6
Quote by ragglefraggle
EDIT: and to the person above me, its a poem, not a song. not to be mean or nuthin, wut is it with people these days that cant tell a poem from a song, i mean its kinda obvious. sorry again for being rude, but im just sayin wat i think.


Yeh, I getcha. When I was saying about singing it, I was giving an example of how I thought it would work, and how that might relate to it, poem-wise. As I think I said earlier, it's a nice piece of writing, just a bit confusing.
#8
Quote by TheShadow
I have a feeling that it's meant to be almost a sub. message, that the reader pieces together whilst reading it. I guess if it was sung, the main verse would be sung by the singer, and each bit in read would be sung where it's written by a backing vocalist. I think it makes it interesting, but hard to read, frankly.


Yeah I think it is meant to be a subliminal message, but imo it's not very effective. I think it just confuses the reader, and makes them just go back and read the lines in red. Then re-read the poem.

EDIT: actually no. I changed my mind, I like the things in red, and think they would be less effective as an individual line. The only problem is that they cause flow problems and confuse the reader.
Quote by Cal UK
Alk hit the nail on the head there.
Last edited by Alk 3 addict at Mar 7, 2007,
#9
i think this piece is unnecessary.

stratkat, you're clearly trying too hard. it would seem so in last piece as well, though it didnt occur to me here.

also, this obsession with memories bothers me, at the very least stop saying that word... its been in like every piece. but thats just my opinion.

somewhat disappointed, stratkat.
#10
What does acid have to do with the situation if you've never tried it?

The red add ons at the end of the lines are so reminiscient of Steve and Synth that it's very discomforting.
#11
Friends do it, and they do a lot of bad shit when they're ****ed up.

Edit: I got the idea from synth, it's blood, it's supposed to be character reading what he wrote in the sand, I tried to give the effect that they run together, that's why some of them make sense with the regular lines and some of them don't.
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 7, 2007,
#12
None of them really make sense with the lines. I still don't understand the significance of acid. I understand your friends do it, but what does it add to the meaning of the poem?

Do you realize what I'm saying though? How Steve bolds certain words to create a second poem inside the poem and how Dylan adds words in brackets at the ends of lines even though they have no relation, I don't like how you basically just took both of those ideas so blatantly.

I do think you used it more effectively than Dylan though because yours at least seemed somewhat relavant to the poem, whereas when he did it I saw no reason for the brackets to be there.

But right now I don't see much redeeming in this poem.
#13
Really it adds nothing to the poem for the reader, but it means something to me. Thanks.

There's also the bolded italicized one's at the end that say "Memories are living." Also the KS, that comes from my girlfriend, she has KS carved into her, I don't approve of it, but it's there. The series is nothing but a combination of my thoughts and what's going on in my life. When you're on acid you see trees shrink into seeds and thousands of spiders, I've never tried it, but my friends have. Anyway they're red for a reason, it has to do with #2. Also I've been thinking a lot about what I would do if I lost everything, and that's where the red lines come from, I couldn't kill myself so I'd just live to reminis which I already constantly do. The asking questions comes from me asking myself questions about what I should do, a lot of my fears were put into these.

This wasn't directed at anyone, sorry for the rant, I'll shut up now. If I don't get to yours tonight I'll get to yours tommorow.
Last edited by stratkat at Mar 7, 2007,